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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer Question

Hey Kate~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm here!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

phew, I'm exhausted!! I didn't get home from collecting the kids plus friends from their party til 1am this morning, then I had to get up early for a long overdue shower (sorry, I know you like to hear about what I'm up to, but some details are not really necessary!!!), then took a very bleary eyed Poppy to Deb's for orchestra, then went straight to my aunt's. She was still sound asleep, very rare, but I left her a while, and she woke by herself, shocked it was 10am! Yesterday when I arrived at 8.30 she was sitting in her chair with her cat, must have been up for hours, her kettle was almost cold, but she'd definitely had her first cuppa coffee. I don't know how much longer she can be by herself, and this morning I have been imagining myself living there with her, or between here and there.

I've been in the cottage next door, titivating it for it's first intake of holiday makers. I am a bit of a perfectionist, I couldn't have left it as was. They have arrived, and I heard one of the women say 'the cottage is beautiful' :)

In the post this morning (apart from Philadelphia cheese cookbook.. I ordered it from Amazon, had seen it at Alexis' house, looks divine) was a letter from my lawyer, and the Divorce petition, and a statement of arrangements for the children. The petition has been completed, I need to approve it.
The facts are stated as
1. I apply for a divorce on the ground that the marriage has broken down irretrievably, and
2. I rely on the following fact to support my application- the respondent has behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent.

Supporting notes: The petitioner has been unhappy in the marriage for a considerable period of time leading up to the presentation of this petition. The respondent is frequently verbally abusive to the petitioner and this is often witnessed by the children. The respondent's abusive behaviour can be exacerbated by drink but he is also abusive to the petitioner when sober. The petitioner believes the respondent to be very controlling. The P and R now lead separate lives. The P now finds the situation to be intolerable. She believes the R's behaviour has been such that she could not reasonably be expected to live with him in the future. Should these particulars be challenged then the P reserves the right to provide additional and greater detail.

Woa, I do not feel good after reading that lot again. I am feeling very afraid, and doubting everything- I guess his words are accurate? I keep wondering if I should say anything to him, or the kids, but have held off so far.

D is out at the moment. I need to get Sam fed before he goes to work. I'm not doing well with challenging his cannabis use. That will be a real struggle.

Back soon

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

It sounds like you have had quite a night and morning! Details are all good. I get how good that long awaited shower can be after a long day.

It sounds like your aunt is struggling a bit. Are you thinking of moving in with her after your divorce?

Good for you for doing such a great job with the cottage. I can imagine that the people there now are enjoying it very much. What a treat!

Let me know what you think of the cookbook when you get it.

The divorce papers sound very much in line and well prepared. But your reaction to them is one of disbelief and fear. I imagine that seeing what you have suffered with Dave in black and white and accompanied by action is not easy. Facing the abuse you have suffered can be frightening. You are used to minimizing it, pushing it away so you don't have to suffer the trauma of it and allow it in totally. It may feel like too much. And it may also mean that you would have to react emotionally to it, and you probably have a lot of very strong emotions here, some that might frighten you.

You can take some time to get used to the divorce papers before you tell the kids or Dave. It may help you to work through your feelings about it, and to gain some strength from the support you have around you. Think about it, feel the emotions attached to it and talk about it with those you trust to be there for you. It helps when you feel upset and emotional to hear input from other people who care about you.

I'm in and out today but I will check back soon as I can to see if you posted.

I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts,

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. moving in with AA has come to mind today, but not for the first time- when I mentioned it to K several months ago she said don't even think about it. But I could think about it now, it will come to something like this for her to keep living in her own home, and we want to keep that going until it's not possible anymore, bc she is so so muddled anywhere else. And it will be somewhere that's not too far away from home, I can be home everyday, anyway, just thoughts at the moment, and preferable (sadly) to staying with my parents, though I could do that too. Staying with my aunt appeals to me more bc I would feel more in control. Being with my parents would be too much like my childhood. K jokingly said tonight that they wouldn't expect a 10pm curfew- well, they would expect it to be before they put their lights out, my sister Helen would never stay late bc M&D didn't like her being late. Food for thought. An option. Drawback is the spare room is teeny tiny, but that doesn't really matter. I can imagine living out of a suitcase, back and forth.

I am still pushing the abuse away, minimising it, I have been so doubtful today, that's why I asked you if you thought the lawyers words were accurate. My feelings seem to be circling in a haze like flies above my head, every now and again hitting me in the face, and I swipe it away. They seem so distant, ungraspable, and I don't know what to do with them.

I don't feel I can sign and send off the papers yet, I need to talk to you and K a bit more first. I keep thinking, feeling, that I am being swept along with the tide, that I can't, or won't, but should, stop to consider it carefully enough. But also part of me just wants to accept my instinct and guidance from my supporters, and that I shouldn't make a thoroughly informed decision (like I always like to make, as in nursing practice, meticulous as K says), I should go with my feelings, because being informed means taking D into account too much, and allowing him to sway my emotions, which I know puts an unfair balance on things, and he would come out on top.

It does always help to hear what others that care about me have to say, I don't know where I'd be without all my support. I need to see my parents in the morning, they have asked for an update before they go away on Tuesday for 10 days. Nobody except you knows I have the papers (I did email K before we met on Second Life this evening, but I'm not sure she got my email, and I couldn't risk saying anything outloud.

I hung my washing on the line this afternoon, too late for it to dry completely before evening, so I decided to leave it on the line until tomorrow, weather being dry. At dusk D walked past my bedroom with the washing basket filled with the clothes from the line, he looked in and alerted me to the full basket, thumbs up. I shook my head. After talking with K I went upstairs, and the basket is in the kitchen, clothes all jumbled up, very damp. There was no attempt at hanging them on the airer to finish drying, or to fold them. I'm not sure what to feel. He thinks he was doing me a good deed by bringing the clothes in. I knew they would just be dumped in a heap in the basket, and they would be creased instantly (I never iron if I can avoid it!) I thought I have 2 choices, it's late at night, I can empty the airer of it's load, and re-hang all the damp clothes in the hall, or I can leave them in their pile 'til tomorrow and re-hang them on the line. Either way it's a darn nuisance that I have to start all over again. But I don't say anything, bc I would be told that he thought he was doing me a favour. It's a no-win thing. Just wondered what you thought. Should I have been ANGRY? GRRRRRR???!!!

Must sleep, it's really late, wrong side of midnight yet again.

Goodnight Kate, hope you've had a good day

Rosex

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

I am hoping that it does not come to you having to move out so you can get away from Dave. And if that means leaving the kids to deal with him, it may not be a good idea. It's never wise to leave children to defend themselves with an abusive parent. They would lose you as a shield and the support you give them. Hopefully, your attorney will come through with a better option.

You have made an informed decision about your divorce, based on the side of you that is learning healthy behavior. This decision was not about your support, it was about you. You have come so far, learned so much that you took on making this decision because you saw that you were in an impossible situation that required action. Taking credit for what you did is important. Accepting that you are smart, resourceful and able to take care of yourself and the kids can boost your self esteem and push you along to the next level.

Taking Dave into account is part of the co dependence part of your feelings. It is feeling responsible for him, letting his opinions and abuse in, even if it is irrational and takes a way your rights. Accepting his input is a way to say you feel you cannot stand on your own, be right about how you feel and shut Dave down because he is wrong. He is wrong, in most everything he does. He is opposite of you. He thinks of himself (you think of others, especially him), he hurts others (you go out of your way to help others, even if it hurts you), and he takes for himself (you give, even if it takes all you have and more). Giving into Dave and letting him win is the way you know. Changing that is a priority. Seeing yourself as deserving of rights, including the right to be free of abuse in your life, can make you free.

Yes, being angry at Dave for the laundry would have been fine. He does things "for" you out of his own interest. He wants to get into your good graces, manipulate you so you will back down and give him his way. He does not do the laundry just for the simple fact that you work so hard and need a break. Otherwise, he would have done it by asking you first how to do it. Telling him how you feel may not do anything to change his behavior, mostly because he is not interested in how you feel about it or changing what he does, and it would probably earn you a major guilt trip from him again because it is all about him and not you. Normal would be saying sorry, I made a mistake. But that is not Dave's way, because it is about him, all the time.

Good night, Rose. I was thinking that you were up awfully long past your bed time! I hope you are sleeping well by now and dreaming of butterflies!

Katex
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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