thank you. moving in with AA has come to mind today, but not for the first time- when I mentioned it to K several months ago she said don't even think about it. But I could think about it now, it will come to something like this for her to keep living in her own home, and we want to keep that going until it's not possible anymore, bc she is so so muddled anywhere else. And it will be somewhere that's not too far away from home, I can be home everyday, anyway, just thoughts at the moment, and preferable (sadly) to staying with my parents, though I could do that too. Staying with my aunt appeals to me more bc I would feel more in control. Being with my parents would be too much like my childhood. K jokingly said tonight that they wouldn't expect a 10pm curfew- well, they would expect it to be before they put their lights out, my sister Helen would never stay late bc M&D didn't like her being late. Food for thought. An option. Drawback is the spare room is teeny tiny, but that doesn't really matter. I can imagine living out of a suitcase, back and forth.
I am still pushing the abuse away, minimising it, I have been so doubtful today, that's why I asked you if you thought the lawyers words were accurate. My feelings seem to be circling in a haze like flies above my head, every now and again hitting me in the face, and I swipe it away. They seem so distant, ungraspable, and I don't know what to do with them.
I don't feel I can sign and send off the papers yet, I need to talk to you and K a bit more first. I keep thinking, feeling, that I am being swept along with the tide, that I can't, or won't, but should, stop to consider it carefully enough. But also part of me just wants to accept my instinct and guidance from my supporters, and that I shouldn't make a thoroughly informed decision (like I always like to make, as in nursing practice, meticulous as K says), I should go with my feelings, because being informed means taking D into account too much, and allowing him to sway my emotions, which I know puts an unfair balance on things, and he would come out on top.
It does always help to hear what others that care about me have to say, I don't know where I'd be without all my support. I need to see my parents in the morning, they have asked for an update before they go away on Tuesday for 10 days. Nobody except you knows I have the papers (I did
email K before we met on Second Life this evening, but I'm not sure she got my email, and I couldn't risk saying anything outloud.
I hung my washing on the line this afternoon, too late for it to dry completely before evening, so I decided to leave it on the line until tomorrow, weather being dry. At dusk D walked past my bedroom with the washing basket filled with the clothes from the line, he looked in and alerted me to the full basket, thumbs up. I shook my head. After talking with K I went upstairs, and the basket is in the kitchen, clothes all jumbled up, very damp. There was no attempt at hanging them on the airer to finish drying, or to fold them. I'm not sure what to feel. He thinks he was doing me a good deed by bringing the clothes in. I knew they would just be dumped in a heap in the basket, and they would be creased instantly (I never iron if I can avoid it!) I thought I have 2 choices, it's late at night, I can empty the airer of it's load, and re-hang all the damp clothes in the hall, or I can leave them in their pile 'til tomorrow and re-hang them on the line. Either way it's a darn nuisance that I have to start all over again. But I don't say anything, bc I would be told that he thought he was doing me a favour. It's a no-win thing. Just wondered what you thought. Should I have been ANGRY? GRRRRRR???!!!
Must sleep, it's really late, wrong side of midnight yet again.
Goodnight Kate, hope you've had a good day