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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1758
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My wife left me about 3 months ago. I love her so much. We have two children together. We

Resolved Question:

My wife left me about 3 months ago. I love her so much. We have two children together. We were together for 6 years. She doesn't even want to talk to me and wants to divorce. I don't know what to do. She is fed up with me. I was always faithful to her. 100 percent. How do I get her back with me?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

You are in a terrible position and oyu have been doing all that you can to get her back.

CoachJenK :

you have two children which makes a complete cut-off impossible. I know this is not what you want to hear, but somehow, some way you need to figure out how to give her the time and space she needs.

CoachJenK :

she wants a divorce and you dont but you cant force her to stay...all you can do is do as you have done and continue to focus on you and care for yourself and your kids.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry you are in pain.

CoachJenK :

the hardest piece for you is the acceptance that there may be nothing you can do...after 3 months she hasn't changed her view so it must be that you focus on you now and healing and getting stronger.

Customer:

Thank you. I definitely don't give her any space. Today is basically the second day I continued to give her space. I don't call her or message her.

CoachJenK :

and that is so very hard.

CoachJenK :

but as hard as it is you must....that kind pf pressure may only make her feel like she wants to be away from you

CoachJenK :

let her miss you a bit

CoachJenK :

I am not saying that it will bring her back but this way now isnt working

CoachJenK :

what do you like to do for yourself? That is what I want you to focus on.

CoachJenK :

you okay?

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

It is just so hard

CoachJenK :

I know it is...I feel for you

CoachJenK :

and it feels like if you dont reach out she will forget you.

CoachJenK :

but you have tried it this way and it is not working

CoachJenK :

so pulling back a bit may help

CoachJenK :

you will always be connected because of the kids

CoachJenK :

what is she so fed up about?

Customer:

I want my family back. I never left her. When I married her, I wanted to be her husband for the rest of my life

CoachJenK :

and you are a gentleman

Customer:

She says I don't change

CoachJenK :

and deserve to have all of that

Customer:

Yes

CoachJenK :

we cant really change others but we can be open to hearing and acknowledging others feelings

Customer:

true

CoachJenK :

did she go to couples counseling or just you on your own?

Customer:

My wife's name is Veronica

Customer:

only myself

CoachJenK :

ok thank you..better than me just saying she

CoachJenK :

would Veronica go to couples counseling if you suggested it after giving some space to things?

Customer:

She told me last year she wanted to do it but it never happened

CoachJenK :

well that is a good sign that she was willing then so that igves me some hop that if you ask her for this that she might agree

Customer:

Well, I messed up so much lately that I don't think she even would consider this right now

CoachJenK :

tell me how?

Customer:

When I take the children for the weekend because that is when she allows me to see them, I touch her and hug her.

Customer:

I see her when I pick up the kids. I just panic and I force myself on her. I know it only hurts me. I'm stubborn

CoachJenK :

ok and you can see this isnt helpful...she doesnt want to be hugged or touched and you need to respect that.

CoachJenK :

here are my suggestions:

CoachJenK :

counseling for you

CoachJenK :

space and no crossing any boundaries of hers...no touching, texting or anything.

Customer:

I don't think I did one positive since she left me. I kept bothering her and hassassing her too.

CoachJenK :

in a few weeks when she sees you are respecting her then ask for couples counseling.

CoachJenK :

if she wont go then you need to accept this

CoachJenK :

you need the support of a therapist so that you do not harass her and bother her.

CoachJenK :

can you do that?

Customer:

Right. I just love her so much. It's all my fault.

CoachJenK :

I know you do but you still need to respect the boundaries.

CoachJenK :

it is not helping you or her or even the kids

Customer:

I know. I need to do that. There is another problem.

CoachJenK :

this is not good for them to see

Customer:

you are right I'm just one big mess.

CoachJenK :

do you have a therapist now or do you need my help in finding one for you?

Customer:

Many times, I think ending my life is the best choice. I know it is wrong, though.

CoachJenK :

you have children. if you are thinking that you must seek emergency care. this site isn't equipped to provide the care that is needed around that.

CoachJenK :

do you need emergency care now?

Customer:

I did set up and appointment. I don't think it will help very much but I could be wrong.

CoachJenK :

when is the appointment?

Customer:

No. I am just very emotional for the most part.

CoachJenK :

please have an open mind...it certainly wont help if you dont think it will

CoachJenK :

ok

Customer:

They should call me soon. I believe. It is to set up the appointment.

CoachJenK :

ok. that is a must and it must happen soon and if you are feeling like you need emergency care you must get it before then.

CoachJenK :

call them back if you have not heard back from them.

Customer:

Veronica tells me she likes another guy and that hurts me so much. That scares me because she isn't even thinking about me.

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

please respect her boundaries and give space. do not touch her when you see her.

CoachJenK :

none of this helps you and only causes more problems.

Customer:

I don't know if it is true because she does say words to hurt me. Ok.

CoachJenK :

please call the therapists office today to get that appointment

CoachJenK :

the only thing you can do now is what she has requested and not thinkg of any other stuff

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

Please let me know how you are doing and that you got into therapy.

Customer:

She is living with her mother. I know she is safe so that comforts me. The kids too. I love them very much too.

CoachJenK :

excellent.

CoachJenK :

then do what you need to to be that good father that you have been.

CoachJenK :

let me know when you make contact with the therapist. come back anytime.

Customer:

ok. thank you

CoachJenK :

please click accept if i have been helpful

CoachJenK :

and please come back anytime for more support.

Customer:

Ok, thank you very much. I will seek help and not bother my wife. I must do this.

CoachJenK :

yes you must. I commend your efforts. now get out there and take care of you!

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1758
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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