My wife is verbally and mentally abusive, I am lacking the attention I desire, I started "chatting" with other women and found myself intrigued by them...to the point of sharing Explicit photos with them. My wife opened my phone and found pics and texts from another woman(my pics also) I regret doing all this...I want to save my marriage...what do i do? My wife seems to think she doesn't need counseling...only I do. Her father lived with us for 11 years before he passed away...and I've felt like a second fiddle the whole time he was here...my children feel the same about that.
Person's Gender: Male
Person's Age: 55
Talking to each other...Talking with Neutral People...
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am sorry to hear of this pain you have been in.
we have a few ways to look at things...
i am at a loos as to what to do...
sure you can go to counseling on your own and hope that she will see that and want to join you or let her know that in order for the marriage to work and reconnect that couples therpay is the only way to go.
I believe couples therapy is what is needed.
you have felt alone and second fiddle for a long time causing you to reach out elsewhere.
she claims this is all my fault...that i know right from wrong...she says she isn't the one with the problem...it's me
she has not paid attention to you and that needs to be explored
no relationship is one sided
we get in stupid arguments over things like money...of course..
you didtn end up there on your won with no reason...you have both played a part
she says she loved her father and took care of him ...and that shouldn't be anything that comes between us
yes that is the surface stuff that is easier to fight about
but it seems that you are the only one willing to look at things
he moved in with us in 2000...he was fine(healthwise) for at least 9 years...then his health stared failing...but she pampered him from the start
does she want the marriage?
and that love is wonderful but both could have existed loving and caring for him while loving and caring for you too.
she calls us all names...says i am a Piece of SH** and my son gets called that also...my daughter is called a Bit**
that is pretty over the top and she sounds quite angry at the world.
she claims that her father's living with us and her caring for him didn't do any of this to me or our marriage
it becomes about your boundaries....and what you will tolerate for yourself and your kids...
It was all because of the lack of attention...
your feelings are valid.
i got a text one day on my phone and didn't know the number...so i asked who it was...the person kinda teased me and i was intrigued...we started talking ...and then i started talking about my marriage, my problems, my father in law...and it helped...but the 2 of us got carried away and started exchanging sexually explicit pics on our cell phones....
and i know you feel bad about it and want to make changes around that and want to have that connection with your wife.
i am NOT in love with this Other woman..I never even met her...I had/have No intentions of meeting her
i do want to make things right...and I know that it won't happen overnight
I hear your willingness and your remorse for what went on and I understand it too.
if you want the marriage and she does then couples therapy is a must
I've talked with a friend and he told me the same thing...
Your wife is abusive with her language toward you and the kids and what if you set the boundary of therapy together if you want this marriage to work.
ok well at least I am in in good company. :-)
I am looking into counseling in my area...
do you need help with that?
she doesn't think she is abusive....too bad...tough sh**! that's what she says...
ay! how old are the kids?
i would like someone in my area that is reliable...and not just looking for Money...I am looking for someone who actually cares
I am sorry you have that view of what is out there.
what is your zip code?
my son is 23 and daughter 19...this has been going on really since the old man moved in with us...they didn't have a complete childhood...I'm not trying to put the blame on my father in law...
I would have done the same for my parent's... if they were sick and needed help...but he was fine for 9 years...
It puts a strain on things for sure.
I don't feel that way about all Counselors...but I've heard of the ones that are in it for $$$
Here is one. http://www.center4relationshiphealing.com/
sure we all need to get paid...but i want results...
are you close to wilton?
Norwich, New London...Groton, Willimantic
ok. I know of a wonderful guy there. check out the link I gave above
and if she wont go then go yourself so you can figur out what you need, want and desire for yourself
thanks...it was good to chat with someone...i wish i got more out of this...really i could have looked up a number myself
i do feel a little better about myself...but it isn't going to change her outlook...
I just wanted to offer it all to you. you didnt feel like I was helpful and supportive?
no and neither of us can change her, all we can do is focus on you and what wil work for you moving forward.
I am glad though that you are feeling better about yourself.
oh...let me tell you this...please give me your opinion...i had sex with her the other night ...and it was wonderful...it meant so much to me...but 2 days later I'm texting this other woman...and sending pics...whats wrong with me?
this really sent her over the edge...
I wonder if you want her to catch you again so you can shake things up a bit which may make her stand up and take notice of you and that you are attractive to others.
i can say I don't blame her
i do feel bad about the texting and pics...i really do
ok so why do you think you have done this? for the thrill? to shake up your wife, to get back at her?
but it was the attention...the knowing someone is attracted to me...that someone is gave me attention
yes and I think you are craving it and even if your wife gives you some through this intimacy the void has been for so long that you want more and more of it and it can fill that void, but in the end it is empty because it is not the true connection you desire.
speaking bluntly...i am a horny guy...and this was all thrilling...but look where it got me
intimacy is a good thing and it exists in a healthy relationship and that is what you seek not this unhealthy type of connection with someone whom you dont know. It is true intimacy you desire.
she says I am addicted to this...that i am perverted
am i addicted to phone sex?
do you feel addicted to it? can you stop? will you stop? do you want to stop?
I am not addicted. yes i can stop.yes i will stop...if it saves my marriage.i do want to stop.
ok then there we have it...you must get into some counseling sooner rather than later because if this pattern continues the outcome you are not wanting could be right around the corner.
so you are saying this IS my fault?
I am not saying it is any one persons fault....in a relationship both people play a role when their is a disconnect. you have felt uncared for and unattended to, causing you to reach out to another. you want to reconnect to your wife but continue this behavior so the cycle continues...she will be distant and you will seek out comfort.
does that make sense?
yes it does...she just came in the door and i told her about the counseling...and she said good You go! you're the one thats addicted to that...phone sex...
i told her i want her to go with me...even after a couple sessions on my own.
then why not start with you and then ask her if you begin to go will she joiin you at some point to talk about the feelings in the marriage
she is heartbroken...ruined ...she says...
give her some space and time and let her see you are working on things...that could help.
i understand that she is...but i am also heartbroken
some say my wife is self centered...i agree...
yes you both are and both deserve to be but if neither one of you move off your mark then this cycle continues
i can see how i messed things up...and it isn't the first time...but i want it to be the last
I commend you for that.
thanks for your help i am going to call the counselors and make an appt
I am glad, I do hope I have been helpful and supportive.
I wish you the best with all of it. Be strong.
you have ..thanks...
how am i getting billed for this?
if you are satisfied you click accept and then I get credited for my work with you
..lol...and if i don't?
if not your deposit remains in your account.
you are not obligated to. :-)
good luck. I guess you dint think i was helpful...no accept. :-) either way I wish you the best.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.I have reviewed your original question and the chat between my colleague. Although I concur with what she related to you, I wanted to add some additional information that may help you get a better understanding of what appears to be one of the prominent themes you express and appear to have continued concern...that being, the obsessive sexual acting out via texting and sharing photos on line.We know from research the process of the reason that many people get caught up in the process of sexual acting out is because of Neuro transmitter reward - meaning there is a Neuro-chemical reaction that rewards this behavior -specifically dompamine-a neurochemical that is triggered to fuel and reward the brain when one engages in this process. This leads to the predictable pattern that you have experienced where you send, receive reward, and afterward have feelings of guilt shame and self disgust. I wanted to share some detailed reading material that will help you understand this process and what you can do as the behavior will most likely repeat itself until you have insight, understanding, and intervention. Until then , the issues in your marriage will not resolve and you will continue to feel poorly about yourself. See the following links:http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/compulsive-sexual-behavior/DS00144.htmlhttp://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2945841/I also recommend the book:"Facing the Shadow" by Dr. Patrick CarnesI believe this information will help you and trust that you will follow through with getting some individual therapy as recommended by the my the other Expert.If you have additional questions for either of us...feel free to reply and a response shall follow.Best regards, Bill