Hi there!! Hoping to be of some assistance; how long has this been going on?
for 6-7 years, but has become more aggressive in the last 1 year. Positive things that have happened
are : 1) he got married, and 2) has a son. these two things have calmed him down a lot. he is more focussed now to finish his college.
What would you say has created this anger in him? If you had to guess...
He blames us both father and mother for not parenting him the right way.
Just curious, would you agree that there were some things that, looking back, you might have done differently?
yes for sure. Such as not imposing our educational choices on him, sending him to boarding school
away from home.
Have you ever had a heart to heart with him about your regrets, apologized for any missteps along the way? (Which, we all make mistakes along the way!)
yes. We have apologized to him several times. And, he accepted our apologies. But, he keeps coming baCK TO SAME THINGS WHEN HE IS ANGRY. We told him that past is past, and he should
live in present and enjoy his life with his wife and child.
Very, very true. Ok, so you have validated that there were some things that went wrong, and that maybe there was too much pressure placed on him to be perfect, which resulted in his self-esteem crashing when he wasn't, or his anxiety being activated when he couldn't, and so now, he has very limited coping skills to manage frustration or stress... and he just reacts in a sort of a tantrum to get his way. Does this sound somewhat correct?
yes. Some times, he can be some what demanding to get what he wants. I (his father) spend a lot of my time with him on daily basis, which helps him tremendously. But, I do not have that much time every day for him. I am 65 years old.
Yes.... this is true. He needs some modeling on stress management and anger management. .. he needs to be taught to take slow, long, deep breaths when frustrated, to take a walk, to think about whether his choice of words will hurt or help a situation, and to keep the tension in his body under control.
Sadly, given his age, the choice to get counseling has to be his, and you are somewhat powerless to help in that way. And this has got to be frustrating to you, no doubt...
Counseling can help; maybe his wife can help to convince him?
I am attaching an excellent link here on the subject: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm
Maybe you can send it to him in an e-mail, and he would be willing to read it??
He knows and does all that. But, his anger and aggression keep on coming and that makes me or any body nervous.
My best advice is to keep pointing out the inconsistency in his behaviors, and tell him that as a father, he has the responsibility to take care of any issue that can impact his ability to be a successful and loving parent. If it becomes serious, his family will be placed in jepeoardy, if his wife feels unsafe or unable to manage living with him. Continue to model appropriate coping skills, and support him, until you cannot any longer; and at that point, again given his age, all you can do is encourage him to get help.
There is really no way to force someone to get help unless they become a danger to themselves or others, and if that happens, the police dept/rescue will have to be called and he placed under psychiatric care. But, it doesn't seem to be that serious now.
what options we have to get him help? last question
A psychotherapist sounds like the answer here; to begin with some talk-therapy and possibly some anxiety medication to balance his chemistry, but he has to be willing. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications, and you can get a referral for a nearby practice through your general practitioner (MD) or by searching online for a psychotherapist in your area. Also, if he has insurance, there may be a list of providers that they recommend, as well.