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Shay,You are very welcome. I am so honored that you shared such a sensitive thing with me. And I am glad to be here for you. It is not fair that the attacker decided to do such a thing to you. When you consider how twisted his thinking had to be to even consider such a thing, it gives you an idea of how far gone he really is. And it is hard to realize that he chose you to take those things out on. It would be very difficult to not take that as a very personal attack. But these guys did not know you, at all. They saw a young college girl who was available and took advantage of it. As you have said, it could have been anyone. They didn't care. And that is horrible to consider. They are so ill that it didn't matter who they hurt. They just needed to hurt someone. These are feelings they transferred to you. The intent was to make you as miserable as they are. The sickness they live with is overwhelming. You probably would not get much out of the videos except traumatized. The circumstances are not at all like what you experienced. It is quite the opposite. The people in those videos are doing that to make money and turn people on sexually, in a not so healthy way. The mentality is more like your attackers than anything to do with you. Videos like that are definitely more about their world than your world.The truth is that you are not a wimp. It is quite the opposite. You are very strong and brave. It would be very easy for you to roll into a ball, avoid life and blame everything on what happened to you. But you fight and push through to feel better. That is strength. Facing your feelings takes guts, maybe not in your parent's world, but in reality that is the true sign of strength. If I felt any differently, I would tell you.Kate
As far as my experience goes, what you suffered was a horrible traumatizing attack. I have heard of other people being attacked or abused at the same level (if you can really measure something like that), and they are usually considered very horrific attacks as well. One I know of made the news recently because of the trauma associated with it.
Considering that, you are coping very well. You are working this and progressing. All you need is the motivation. That is key. It is when you give up and don't face it that you can have issues.
I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I was talking about you when I mentioned giving up. I was talking about people in general. It's ok if you don't tell Linda. That is a personal choice. I thought you might want to for the support. But if you work through the shame and embarrassment on the other issues, then you will have those tools to help you on this part too. Kate
Thank you, Shay! That was sweet of you. I knew you wouldn't give up, you work so hard at this :) And you will feel so much better once all this is worked through. I hope to check in before I head on the road in the morning then again tomorrow night, if the internet works (crossing fingers here!), so I will talk with you then. Good night, Shay. I hope it's a peaceful night's sleep for you.Kate