Hi Kate. Just wanted to check in.
My night was okay. I'm still sad
and a bit worked up. But it's okay. I reread my thing Linda wanted me to write. It has less effect the more I read it, it seems.
Why have I become more embarrassed than I was before (about you and Linda knowing)? If I had felt this way before, I wouldn't have written it all out for either of you.
You said that the common thread throughout my letter for Linda was that I am shamed I what happened and that Linda knows about it ( and you too). That was what I was feeling and thinking Thursday, that's what we had been talking about, and that's why it was what was in my letter. But also, it's probably the strongest feelings I seem to have at the moment.
But -- wouldn't you be embarrassed and ashamed and humiliated if it had happened to you and other people knew about it? Wouldn't that be the case for anyone? These are shameful things. How can I undo that fact?
This is all so strange. I never ever would have guessed I would be in this position - talking to 2 therapists (almost constantly), a psychiatrist, sleep/nightmare
dr. Relying on people I didn't even know because I can't do this without you. Sharing these kinds of things. I really thought I was okay before. I'm so glad I met you and Linda, and that's a benefit of all this. But the rest of it sucks. And I'm mad at those guys. What they did
that night was bad enough. Why couldn't the consequences stop there? It's not fair. Why can they still make me feel so bad? I know they must have been miserable before they did this and probably after, but it seems they took the easy way out and made other people pay for it. but I have to pay for me and them, too, it seems. That's not how things should be. It wouldn't solve my problems to make them pay, I know. But it aggravates me that it probably made them feel better to make me pay, and I hadn't even done anything to them.
These are not pressing questions, so of you don't have time to answer before you leave for your trip, it's totally fine. :).
Happy mother' day tomorrow!