My wife has indicated that she is no longer in love with me. We both still live at home with our two kids (11 and 14). We no longer have sex - neither of us can really afford to move out. I try my best to care for my kids, but I get bludgeoned emotionally when I try to cope with my pain (just going to the local bar and watching a hockey/baseball game - very little drinking if at all). It seems like nothing I say or do will make her try - and I'm at the point now where I think I need to stop trying. I do/did want it to work, but she's placed too many rules on me. I work from home and need to get out. It's very stressful to be in the same house with her. She doesn't want family counseling, but offered to go to counseling for herself (see if there's a way to fall back in love with me?) But she never goes. Tomorrow's my 50th birthday. I don't want to be with her - only because it hurts too much. She sometimes says she wants to try, but then EASILY gets mad at me (like stopping at a store to go to the bathroom - why couldn't I wait). Should I just go away by myself tomorrow? We were going to make plans to spend the night together. But I think I'm just setting myself up for more hurt. Any suggestions? Thanks
Person's Gender: Male
Person's Age: 49
counseling (me) - she won't go. Talking. Most details are in the message. Should I stop trying? By trying, I just seem to be hurting myself more.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain and tomorrow should be a day filled with joy on your birthday.
In terms of whether you should continue trying? I always suggest that you pay attention to what is enhancing or detracting in a relationship and if things feel too painful emotionally and you need to take a break then that sounds like the right option for you.
Hi Yes. I agree. We have been married for 21 years. While I can't go into too much detail, a few years ago I started feeling alone - wife would get sleepy when I would try to share my thoughts with her. I started gambling (unfortunately) which didn't help - and occasionally drinking to try to ease some pain -- as you might guess neither has worked. I have stopped both for the past three months and have worked hard. She indicated that now that I seem to be getting better, she felt more open to tell me she no longer cares? I've cried, pleaded, gave her space. Now I'm at the point where I'm realizing that I'm just hurting myself. Just saw your reply. I guess I can take a break from trying, but we live in the same house - she doesn't feel like she can have sex with me anymore. She has risen very high in her job over the last two years and has a strong support group at work - some trying to woo her away I'm sure. Not sure if anything has happened physically. I just don't know what I should do -- strategy. If I try, I get hurt. If I don't, I get lonely and am afraid that I might do something stupid (drink).
Thank you for giving me more of a full view. I would build up your support system for yourself and maybe begin attending AA meetings so you can remain strong about not drinking. I know you mentioned not being able to afford living apart, so would that also mean a therapist for you is out of the question? Many can work on a sliding scale. It is quite possible that once you pull back a bit from the begging and the pleading that she may come around and want to feel connected again. That may not be the case but at this stage of you feeling so hurt and her not budging I dont see another option.
I understand your pain and loneliness and I feel for you.
Just wanted to see if you had anything further to say - latest response
I wrote above but I didnt get a response after that so let me know your thoughts
my stance is that you need the support to get though this...it is very painful, and if the pain is so great from putting yourself in the place of trying then taking a break from it could help you gain some strength and see how things play out.
I understand. That's probably why I'm writing to you. I don't know how to get that support -- I don't want to burden my kids. They sense that things aren't right and my oldest daughter has sided with their mother. I've been working hard to get her back into my life (have made some progress - with oldest daughter). Guys aren't like girls -- I don't know any guy with whom I could (or want to) talk to about this. I have two distant women friends (don't know all that well -- one in GA and the other I bowl with) - but I've been shy about burdening them with this -- they are not that close. I wouldn't mind taking either of them out. Just on a date. Is that wrong? How else do I build a support system. My parents are older and can't help. Your comments on above and any other suggestions (for getting support) would be appreciated. Thanks.
my pleasure and I am glad you have reached out here and yes, I am part of that support system. I think the first thing to consider is that you are not burdening others by reaching out to talk with a friend...I am not sure I would rush to have some dates right now, but you can reach out to your bowling friend for support. I know it may be harder for men to reach out, but you ave done it here. That is why I also like the idea of AA so you can have that regular support and maybe even a sponsor so you can connect one on one and reach out when you need to..that is the beauty of a sponsor.
There are also support groups for people going through the ending of a marriage...I know you may not be quite there yet but it could still provide support. Often a local hospital has many groups such as this.
Ok. Thanks. I guess by date I mean - ask a friend (woman friend) to go to a ballgame with me. Would it be too much to ask them tomorrow? I guess if my wife found out she would be pissed (but maybe not since she really doesn't care). I guess I will need to guage her latest mood - see if she is still open to going to the game and then a hotel with me tomorrow night (my wife). But it would be rotten if she continues to confirm that she no longer wants me. Thanks for your help. I'll wait to see if you have anything further to say - than accept.
If you have female friends and that works for you then a ballgame sounds nice and yes it would be tough to hear the rejection from your wife if she says no, but I would try first for sure and say something like honey, let's go to the game like we used to and have some fun...no pressure, just us.
please come back to me anytime if you need further support.
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach