Kate:Thanks for being here and saying you want to. I have talked to Linda before about the time thing - in fact, on Monday. I suggested I set my phone alarm, because she faces the clock - not me. I can't even see it now that we are meeting elsewhere for the time being. She said it's her luxury of not having kids at home anymore who are waiting for dinner. And she said "you are worth it.". I do get longer sessions than normal because my insurance allows it. But I think it's only like an hour and 15 minutes (instead of 45 or 50 I guess??) and because I have a high copayment, and it is the same for either the reg or long session, that's why she does that. But we rarely end then. I understand how it is - I have trouble keeping free initial consultations to the allotted time, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't. I don't want to take time that is here, and I don't want her to become resentful. She does tell me when she has to be done early or in time. But it just isn't fair to her. I was glad, however, that she had me stay yesterday. I was feeling awful and I did need to cry and it feels safer there. Ever since I had the flashback when p was here, she is super on top of me if she hears anything and stuff. I feel like, when I cry around her, I feel like I have to explain. So it is more comforting to cry around Linda. And she doesn't need to ask why and just says stuff like it's okay to cry and to cry as hard as I need. I haven't totally let go in there, but I feel like I could. I really needed to release some of it. Linda has been asking, here and there, about comment by my family about my body and stuff. I think she feels like this plays into how I feel now about what happened. It may be. I don't know. I know I had some pretty strong issues there when I was younger. Ikniw I've told you this before, and it seemed normal at the time, but on hindsight, I think there is something wrong with the fact that I didn't tell anyone I started my period until 6 months after I did, and only because my mom asked me outright. Doesnt that seem odd? Or is it not really? I wonder if Linda is right. And I wonder if I would have felt differently if I had been more comfortable with my body and these kinds of things - like my sister was and is. ?? I saw the pregnant teenager again yesterday. I don't think there is any indication she may give the baby up for adoption. :(. But Linda can't really tell me anything, obviously. I am glad you pointed out that some of the sadness I was feeling last night is likely from the feelings about my childhood. I think you are right. I think it's a combination of that and what I feel about what happened. Maybe that's why it feels overwhelming. It feels wrong to be embarrassed and upset about things that were said to me 30 years ago. It was really embarrassing to tell Linda some of the things. Why? It was in another lifetime. The color thing actually made sense to me a little. I do see things with color when I think of them. Linda said she knows I don't like these weird art things, but .... I had told her I do stained glass, so she asked me of I were making a window, what color glass would I use to represent that. That was helpful a little, I guess. But it also got me to thinking that maybe I should start a new project. Maybe that would be therapeutic (in your words :) ). I need to make one for my skylight in my bathroom anyway. Maybe this would be a good time to start. I'm a little worried about having so long between therapy sessions after Monday. P is going out of town Thursday through Sunday next week, which will be nice, because I need some time to myself. But I feel like all my supports are goin to be gone. Feels weird to be so dependent on others. I lived alone for years and liked it. For the first year or 2 I lived in NM, I didn't really know anyone and had little desire to make new friends. I spent all my time either at work or alone with my dog and then I got a cat too. (some day I will explain the whole thing about me moving here, but I am concerned about what you will think). But I was happy. But things seem so different now. I still feel pretty down and sad this morning. I can't really plan any time today for anything. But maybe tonight I can start designing the skylight window or maybe start working on this song that has really touched me. I want to play the drums and sing, which I've not done before (I mean, I always sing along when I'm playing, but I've never had to wear a headset mic and sing a solo). I think I can do it, though, and I really want to play drums on the song. So maybe p would be up to working on it with me. She needs to learn the bass part anyway. That might be fun. Maybe I'll even bring one of my drum sets upstairs into the living room (to really thrill the neighbors) :). I am finding it difficult to concentrate at work. I know it's because of all this stuff going on in my head. Dr m hasn't called back. I wish she would. S
It's good that Linda wants to give you all the time she can during therapy, especially when you feel you need that extra time with her. My concern is with how you feel about it. If you feel Linda might be resentful giving you all that time, then it's perfectly fine to ask her about it. Let her know that you don't want to impose. See what she says. As long as you express how you feel about it and she understands, the ball is in her court. In therapy, it is the counselors responsibility to handle the time so as long as you don't have to leave, you can stay as long as Linda allows it. Allow her to own that so you don't end up feeling bad.
Given how you were raised, it is not odd at all that you didn't share the beginning of your period with your mother. You were reacting normally to a bad situation. Starting your period can be a traumatic time. And it involves a lot of feelings. Sharing that with a mother who in all likelihood would have taken a very non emotional view of what you were experiencing probably would have hurt you. So not telling her was the best option. When you look at what you were going through at the time, you had a lot of reasons not to share anything with your mother. You had to keep yourself safe emotionally and she had proven to be very hurtful in the past. You were only following your instincts.
There is nothing wrong with being upset about things that happened 30 years ago. For one, you never dealt with those things then because it was not safe to express how you really felt back then. And two, there is no time limit on pain. It doesn't matter if it happened yesterday or 50 years ago. It hurt you and if you did not work it out at the time it happened, it will stay with you until you do work it out.
It would be very therapeutic to work on a new project! That is a great idea. Stained glass is so pretty (I love colored glass of any type). Let me know if you decide to do something.
It is very normal to be dependent on other people. What your parents taught you- that you are responsible for everything, don't show emotions and that you are independent is an abnormal way to live. Look at your parents, they have each other, right? So they are dependent on each other. Being emotionally involved with others is healthy. It's not easy to do when you were taught all your life to be independent, and it may take time to learn how to let go and let yourself feel, but that is ok. In a way, all the people in your life are dependent on you too. P, Linda, C, and me. We all look forward to talking with you, sharing your life with you and just having you there.
I think your ideas for helping yourself to feel better are great. They are all expressions of your feelings and can help you work through what you are dealing with.
Even though I am away, let me know how your session goes with Linda on Monday. And even though I am not on my regular schedule on JA, I still want to hear how you are doing.The place I am going doesn't have internet (the mountains) but my husband is bringing some portable internet device (I am notoriously horrible at technology!) that is supposed to get me connected. At least I hope so! So I should be able to check in. I don't want you to be left on your own with no contacts at all.
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
I will be okay while you are gone. :) You will be back before P leaves, too. Plus, Linda has made it very clear I can call her any time I want. I didn't say that because I wanted you to feel bad for leaving. But I do appreciate I can still write to you. It doesn't matter, even, if you respond when you get back. I hope you have fun in the mountains! I don't know where you are going, but from being in Ohio, I can tell you, the mountains there are so much different than they are here. Some of the mountains here are green and full of pine trees, but, for instance, the side of the Sandias on which Albuquerque sits (those are the mountains off our street, part of the rockies) are all dry and desert-like. I like going to Colorado and stuff, where it's more green. I would like to have spent more time in the mountains of Ohio and WV - they are very green and very cool. I miss the green. Everything is so dry here. There are beautiful things here, don't get me wrong, but the colors in the east and midwest can be so pretty. And I hope it is relaxing!
I'm sure your husband is bringing a mobile broadband card or mobile hotspot. You can also tether a laptop to an android phone. However, none of those options work unless there is cell service. Maybe you should just shut off your phones and computer and enjoy life?
When I asked you if you thought my not telling my mom was odd - I didn't mean for my situation. It seemed completely reasonable to me. I remember my sister was actually excited about starting hers and told everyone. But she didn't get teased about that kind of stuff. I did. But I mean, odd compared to a normal situation. I meant that I see it (I'm not sure why that is what sticks out to me) as an indication that things were not right there.
I will take your advice about Linda and the time. I have told her how I feel, and so I will tell her once more and leave it up to her. Last night was the first night I was glad she had me stay though. And I really was.
I am surprised at how strong my feelings about the teasing and stuff are. It still embarrasses me. And it makes me wonder why I got the brunt of it. Nobody teased my sister about her body or boyfriends or anything like that. My brother was teased, but in different ways. And I guess my sister, too, in different ways. But not as bad. I was thinking about the fact that everyone used to tease me about being fat. The thing is - I wasn't fat at all. How could I be? I played basketball and ran all the time. I was probably thinner than my sister, and not overweight by probably anyone's standards. So why did they act like I was? I was convinced that I was .... but if I look at pictures, I wasn't at all. I think it was just more fun to tease me and mess with me because I would react. And there was no down side to it for my siblings - they never got in trouble for it. I got in trouble for reacting. And they were doing it, I'm sure, because my dad did it all the time. My mom wasn't a big teaser. But she didn't help. She would punish me for reacting, and in her mind, it was my own fault, because if I didn't react, they would lose interest and stop doing it. That is true. But I didn't believe her, really, considering that she was the one who thought I was lying about my sister physically hurting me and stuff. I think I was naturally just more modest and stuff than my sister, and I was more of a tom boy. I feel now like they used my discomfort for fun, and in the process, made it much, much worse.
I will let you know if I start another stained glass. I really think I will do that. As I said, I need one for my bathroom skylight. The plexiglass covering came off when we were getting the roof redone, and I didn't replace it because I was planning to do a stained glass window for it. But I haven't and so it is just an open rectangular shaft from the ceiling all the way up to the actual skylight - and it was not painted very well in there! I can see up there whenever I am in the bath tub, and it is really bugging me. I am going to try to attach a picture of one P and I did for my parents, that I happened to have on my phone (I think it just pasted onto the bottom of this message - let me know if you get it) . It is a very methodical process, which is right up my alley. Otherwise, I don't do much art-wise. I am just not gifted in that way. P is. Her whole family is so talented in art and music. In fact, one of her brothers, before he died a few years ago, taught me how to do stained glass. If you were here, I would make one for you.
About the dependency thing ---- I don't mind if others are dependent on me , but I don't feel comfortable being so dependent on others. And I appreciate that you and Linda may like talking to me, and that makes me feel good. But that's not dependence. Especially for you - you can go on and help someone else. Linda, I think, misses talking to me when we have lapses, and will miss me when I'm done with therapy, but that's not dependence, either. P does depend on me, as does C to some point. Jamie does, I know, and I think a lot of my other friends. But it's usually not the other way around - and definitely not to this extent. I mean, I really need help. I can't do this myself. It's tough to admit, but it is true. It makes me feel needy and weak, but it is what it is, and I recognize I need you guys. And you know what? I need LP too, in different ways. And I can admit that. It helps to know he needs me too (which I've known, but he is just realizing). And you're right - my parents have each other. My brother and sister have their families. For some reason, though, I've taken on the role of the one who acts like I don't need anyone, which is false.
Jamie offered yesterday to have a baby for me. I said, "I never said that I couldn't have children. That's not the issue." She said she knew, but considering the fact that when I had knee surgery, my main concern was whether I could keep my underwear on during the procedure, she felt like I wouldn't want to go through labor or all of the prior examinations. She is correct. She was dead serious, and I thought that was nice, considering she had a very miserable pregnancy with her daughter. But it is way too convoluted. I did have a thought this morning, though - one of my best friends growing up (his brother and I were closer - he was one of my 2 best friends from before kindergarten until college, but we all played together when we were little and hung out when we were older) - he is gay and lives in San Francisco. I saw him last year on a trip there. He is the sweetest guy and good looking and very tall and dark and super smart. I bet he would have no problem giving me some of his sperm. And his parents would be thrilled for me to have a baby related to them (they wanted me to marry the oldest, but twas not to be). I wonder .....
It just got me thinking.
Well, I have a telephone conference in a few minutes, so I better look things over ......
Thank you for being here, Kate. :)
Kate -- I forgot to start another thread. I wanted to accept your earlier answer. So I just opened another thread --- could you please answer in that one?