Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Being a therapist is not scary. Most therapists are well trained and go over and over ethics and how to be with the people they work with. And most people are truly in distress and want help. Very few try to hurt the therapist on purpose because they are there to help.
It sounds like there is a lot of pain for you underneath the embarrassment and teasing from your childhood. Just from the way you described it affecting you, that is clear. You mentioned trying not to cry about it (which would have been fine, I agree) which says that it was painful.
I could not imagine how hard it would be to have to be the subject of others amusement. It is humiliating and very hurtful. And as a child, you had no defense.
I understand where Linda was going with the colors. Colors can often represent moods. Think of it like a mood ring, as inaccurate as those things are! People can relate feelings to colors. And when it is hard to express how you feel, thinking of your emotions as colors can help you get in touch with what that feeling is. When you are talking about very painful things, you can distance yourself from your feelings because they hurt so badly. So identifying your feelings another way that is less direct is helpful.
It is really up to Linda to set boundaries with your sessions. Sometimes it is hard to do so because as a therapist, you want to give as much as you can. But boundaries are important because many people who grew up with abusive families do not have a healthy reference to how boundaries work. Setting them as a therapist then becomes important so the person you are working with can see how healthy boundaries work. Talk with Linda about how you feel about going over your session time. And if you feel that doesn't work out, it may be a good idea to have someone call you or come and get you so you can end the session when you feel you should end it.
It's ok to feel sad like you do. You just got in touch with a very painful part of your childhood. It brought up a lot of deep feelings. You didn't have a chance (or could not afford to) feel a natural response to what happened to you when you were a child because it was not safe then. But it is now, so you are experiencing those feelings just as you should have then. Try taking some extra care of yourself today. Give yourself a break and allow the feelings to be there. They are hard to feel, but they will not hurt you. Given time, you will work through them and see what happened to you with a new perspective.
Don't worry about writing when I am away! I am going to have some down time and I do want to check in with you. I just wanted to let you know so you didn't wonder why I was not responding as I usually do. Plus I want to stay in touch with how you are doing. You are at a critical time in your recovery with a lot going on. If I can help lift the burden some, I want to do that.
Talk to you soon,