Kate: thanks for the heads-up about you being out of town. I hope it is a trip for fun! Maybe a nice mother's day get-away! I don't want you to have to work while you are away, even of you do have Internet access. Take a break! I won't bother you!
Is it scary being a therapist? You have to be so careful with everything - I do too to some extent, but the rules stay the same. With you, all of your clients have different needs and histories and baggage and personalities, and you would kind of have to tailor to each client. And a screw-up goes beyond costing your client money. Sounds scary to me. I think part of the reason I was thinking about all this was (1) I was talking to someone about how careful our youth minister needs to be. He's a caring guy and pretty good looking, and I think that probably all the teenage girls get crushes on him. He'd have to be careful. And (2) I kind of didn't consider how hard it must be being a therapist (aside from the transference/inappropriate relationship thing) and I feel I was unfair in how harshly I felt towards Linda after the EMDR fiasco.
Rough session again. Linda had some ideas about breaking down the embarrassment/shame issues. We talked a lot about childhood stuff and the teasing and stuff. I told her that might be part of it, but it felt different. It upset me when she was asking about specific things my sister or parents would say to me. But I made
Myself not cry because I felt dumb crying over that. But now I'm thinking that would have been fine. She had me tell her how big I thought the feeling was, and what color. ?? A little weird. Then she asked hat I wanted to feel instead and what color.
Then she talked for a while. She said it saddened her that I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable with her. I told her that I was sorry, but I felt that way. It was embarrassing before, but now it's not a secret anymore and it makes it worse. She talked some more and it was after 6, so I asked if we could stop, and she said yes. She said I looked so sad
and I told her I felt pretty sad. She suggested we sit there for a while so I could cry if I needed to. And so we did
and I did. Not for long, but pretty hard. She asked if it was too intense for me, but I told her it was okay. so I calmed down and we left, but I had been there almost 2 hours. I feel so bad or her spending so much extra time with me. Should I try to change my appointments so that someone comes after me? I feel like I'm taking advantage.
I feel like I released a little, but I totally spent again. I have another appointment Monday, than not again until the following Wednesday, because she's going out of town. That may be a rough week or so.
I am really sad. Like really sad. Like somebody died, excep nobody did, so I can't even conjure up good memories of them. My heart is broken, it feels. I feel like my new normal right now is so much lower than usual. I know it will go back up, but it is not fun nonetheless. I think I could cry for the rest of the night if I had the chance. What's wrong with me? I am so weak. I think I need some help.