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Hi there! I have read your question, and you are asking if I think that the relationship has a chance, given this breach of trust. My answer is absolutely! You both have been dancing around one another, somewhat unsure of the other, not communicating honestly... and while you were in this limbo, he thought that maybe he would just act-out in that way, since you two weren't married or even committed 100%. As long as he realizes that it hurt you deeply to see this, and he will do whatever it takes to help regain your trust, this can certainly be overcome. What you need to keep in mind is that the two of you need to identify together the rules and terms of the relationship, if you decide to try again, and to agree to be exclusively dating one another only, and that if this type of thing ever happens again, you would end the relationship.
It will just take a bit of effort of both parts, but once you both have clear terms and understanding of where you stand, there should be a sense of security on both of your parts, which will ease any of his insecurities or yours as well.
Anything good is worth working for; I will await your reply or further questions, and I hope you found this answer somewhat helpful!! I wish you all the best!!
But i also have to look at the fact his prevous jealously could been cover up for his own decet. It could of also been more than the twice, although I have never had cause to think he would hence i was shocked to see his text, any woman would of checked the phone given the chance, i wasn't expecting to see that, lot my family and friends have said once a cheat always a cheat, do u believe that cos if its the case, it would be no point in me trying, he has not contacted me since i said i want my space, now i guess if i contact him, it look like i am runnnin after him??
Hi, Tracy!! I wouldn't worry what it "looks like" as much as feels like. If you care for this man, and you want to give him one more chance to prove himself, by all means start again with the terms in place and knowing that it will take time to regain trust. The other choice is to break-up permanently, and possibly have regrets about never really knowing what might have happened had you tried again. If you want to try, try. If you are truly tired of the emotional baggage that comes along with him, toss the baggage aside and clear the path for someone new. Only you really know the answer to that.
As for once a cheat, always a cheat... not always, but sometimes this is true. If a person is extremely sociopathic, putting their own needs and wants in front of all others and has proved this over and over, then yes. But if it is someone who acts out due to a threat of the relationship they are in having serious issues, or to self-medicate a depression with some "excitement", then it could be something that could teach them a great deal about themselves and life in general. And could point out what they truly want and need in a relationship, and what they don't want.
I hope this was helpful! Let me know what you think, and follow your heart!!
Heidi, Just one more thing, when you say about someone who is self centred, I can say yes Jay is/has been I have even said to him, its not all about you. I have even felt gulity at times going to see my mother. He has wanted to spend every free moment he has with me.
I know we all have our good and bad and i know i am not always the easiest person to live with, although we had not got that far as in living together.
He was the kind considerate type, he would want to help me with things in house, he got on well with my two younger children who live at home.
I have missed him over the past couple weeks although not as much as i thought i would of, but maybe that is because i am so busy with work.
I wish like hell i had not found out what i did, but then if i hadn't he may of carried on. I have even thought that Jay and I would of got married one day. I am in such a dilemma of what to do, in my heart i would love it to work out, but something in my head saying, if i go back and we break again, i could end up feeling worst than i do now.
I look back at all the great times we spent together and how we were with each other and just want to have it all back, his mum died when he was 9 yrs, and he had never attempted to go and try and find her grave one day we wer talking and few weeks later he asked if i would go with him, said he only wanted me to be with him when he went.
Yet another time he can get so touchy, like if i mention or reply with answer he don't like when he talks about his kids and how his ex wife pisses him off, it like sometimes he jump to her every wim. They were together 17years I do wonder why they broke up now. Jay said it was because he was away sailing alot and she found someone else! I have felt at times that he see me when he not anything else planned and then expect me free when he is free, but that was more in the earlier days.
Oh what to do. 2 years is a long time and i do not just want to throw away what could be great. I guess i also have to think about my age i guess i am 43 now going on 44 have 5 children, and that was the other thing i was lucky that he got on with them, although found him little jealous over my eldest who is 26 at times. Sorry this is it just let me know what you really think i should do now. Thanks Tracy x
You are definitely conflicted, and when we are apart from someone it is easy to remember the good and to miss those good characteristics. However, you are doing well with remembering the difficult aspects, as well, so your memories are realistic and balanced. There is still time to let the situation play out; no need to make any moves one way or another until you feel moved to do so. Trust the journey. Trust your instincts, and your gut feelings. As more time passes, your feelings will begin to lean more confidently in one way or the other... and this will be when you will know if trying again is worth shot.
Not knowing why the first marriage truly dissolved, and not trusting his explanation is a good indication that trust has been an issue all along. Trust is essential to a healthy relationship. Insecurity, jealousy, etc... this is all baggage that weighs down a relationship. So as you progress through this process, keep that in mind. One of my favorite quotes is "I prefer to surround myself with those who are more like sails, and less like anchors."....so, is he more like a sail on your little ship of life, helping you to sail freely and giving you power to live and explore, or more like an anchor, holding you back and in one place and making you feel stifled? Only you know this... and it will become clearer in time!