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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have been going out with my boyfriend now for 2 years come

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I have been going out with my boyfriend now for 2 years come July. We have been happy had few ups and downs just after christmas, we sorted these out, but he has been very jealous even to point he said i thought more of a band member than him, band member is a friend and my sister used to date the drummer of this country band, that is why i am so friendly with the band, whole family are. Anyway still things didn't seem right, i talked with a friend and she said trouble is he thinks you don't wanna move forward and you think he doesn't. I haven't wanted to push the idea of moving forward because i didn't want to spoil what we had, but it got so i started to feel i was in limnbo. wondering if we were ever going any further. we both in are early 40's both been married before and have children with previous partners. \we met on a dating site, instantly felt comfortable with each other, he has been very ggod to my kids and would do anything for us, however my son had a school trip he was going on for week to france, had to be at trhe school for 3.45am, Jay my partner said he would take us, however i knew my sons father would want to have some imput. So that night Jay did not stay, i got up went out to load the car then my son said dad is comiing too. then my ex pulled up my son said come with us mum silly to take 2 cars, so i did. next day Jay texted asking how lewis got on, and asked if i went, isaid yes and before you ask i did go with brian my ex, and explained to him how it came about, needless to say he went off on one, going on about him, and it seemed it was all about him, he didn't for one minute consider how my son felt or how i was feeling, even tho i was worried and awaiting to see if they arrived safely. We spoke a about it and he said sorry, understood i went just not happy i went with brian ex. i said to him if we were living together it would not have happened. Anyway we talked and eventually both said how we feel and what we wanted and my mate was right we both wanted to move forward but neither telling the other and thinking the other didn't want. Things after this was going great, we tlked little more, altho not enough it would seem. He has a lot of work to do in his house to get it done, i rent a house and his is his own, which took him while to get after his divorce. But he started to really want to get it done, said he was serious and wanted to get it done as soon as, money was an issue as everything need doing is to take money, of which little tight for him, he had spoke about selling his bilke to raise cash to get it done, or increase the mortgage, we could not live there as only a 3 bed and with my two childrena nd his staying alt weekends we would need to get a place together. Me thinking he would sell his and we would buy together, until one evening he was taliking about renting his out and then renting a property with me, this night i was tired and when he said is that a prob or would it change things i didn't answer. But knew at some point we would need to discuss this. Last Monday evening just over a week ago now, we were sitting looking at holidays together we were looking to book a holiday with my 2 children. We went to bed as normal, he told me he loved me as he alwaays does. In the morning my daughter bought me a phone and said i think Jay left his phone here mum, i took and said let me have a look, i have never ever worried about jay seeing someone else as he knew my thoughts on this and he never come acrodd the type, even my mother said that and she very good at gettting things right. But i looked at the phone, not expecting to find anything when i saw few alarming messages in the in box, about meeting up and he cpould meet at hers as she was alone. So i did look in the outbox, and found he had secretly arranged to meet this girl, his first text was d u fancy meeting up for a BJ. always putting babe in and a x. I was devestated, i kept it with me all day, he texted said think left my phone at yours, lol, love u. I replied love u too. I thought and thought about it all day while at work, in my old days i would jumped straight in but i didn't this time, I then wrote the texts down from the start in box and out and there was no other explanation only that he met a girl for a blow job, but not once twice, as there was one message on 26th March saying i am there now, the others were on 6th April. theni looked at my phone at our previous texts, and he was textring me the same time telling me he loved me, from his private phone. i said u aint man enought o tell truth in the end he said a he was depressed and a mate gave him a no of girl who would do that, said he didn't believe it and text her, said he walked away tho and did nothing, i now know at least one time something happened although he said he never touched her. he promised that. I have since had texts from him saying sorry and he made a mistake and he loved me and wanted me back, learnt a lesson nad he would never do agai
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I have read your question, and you are asking if I think that the relationship has a chance, given this breach of trust. My answer is absolutely! You both have been dancing around one another, somewhat unsure of the other, not communicating honestly... and while you were in this limbo, he thought that maybe he would just act-out in that way, since you two weren't married or even committed 100%. As long as he realizes that it hurt you deeply to see this, and he will do whatever it takes to help regain your trust, this can certainly be overcome. What you need to keep in mind is that the two of you need to identify together the rules and terms of the relationship, if you decide to try again, and to agree to be exclusively dating one another only, and that if this type of thing ever happens again, you would end the relationship.

Heidi LPC :

It will just take a bit of effort of both parts, but once you both have clear terms and understanding of where you stand, there should be a sense of security on both of your parts, which will ease any of his insecurities or yours as well.

Heidi LPC :

Anything good is worth working for; I will await your reply or further questions, and I hope you found this answer somewhat helpful!! I wish you all the best!!

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi

But i also have to look at the fact his prevous jealously could been cover up for his own decet. It could of also been more than the twice, although I have never had cause to think he would hence i was shocked to see his text, any woman would of checked the phone given the chance, i wasn't expecting to see that, lot my family and friends have said once a cheat always a cheat, do u believe that cos if its the case, it would be no point in me trying, he has not contacted me since i said i want my space, now i guess if i contact him, it look like i am runnnin after him??

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, Tracy!! I wouldn't worry what it "looks like" as much as feels like. If you care for this man, and you want to give him one more chance to prove himself, by all means start again with the terms in place and knowing that it will take time to regain trust. The other choice is to break-up permanently, and possibly have regrets about never really knowing what might have happened had you tried again. If you want to try, try. If you are truly tired of the emotional baggage that comes along with him, toss the baggage aside and clear the path for someone new. Only you really know the answer to that.

As for once a cheat, always a cheat... not always, but sometimes this is true. If a person is extremely sociopathic, putting their own needs and wants in front of all others and has proved this over and over, then yes. But if it is someone who acts out due to a threat of the relationship they are in having serious issues, or to self-medicate a depression with some "excitement", then it could be something that could teach them a great deal about themselves and life in general. And could point out what they truly want and need in a relationship, and what they don't want.

I hope this was helpful! Let me know what you think, and follow your heart!!

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Heidi, Just one more thing, when you say about someone who is self centred, I can say yes Jay is/has been I have even said to him, its not all about you. I have even felt gulity at times going to see my mother. He has wanted to spend every free moment he has with me.

 

I know we all have our good and bad and i know i am not always the easiest person to live with, although we had not got that far as in living together.

 

He was the kind considerate type, he would want to help me with things in house, he got on well with my two younger children who live at home.

 

I have missed him over the past couple weeks although not as much as i thought i would of, but maybe that is because i am so busy with work.

 

I wish like hell i had not found out what i did, but then if i hadn't he may of carried on. I have even thought that Jay and I would of got married one day. I am in such a dilemma of what to do, in my heart i would love it to work out, but something in my head saying, if i go back and we break again, i could end up feeling worst than i do now.

 

I look back at all the great times we spent together and how we were with each other and just want to have it all back, his mum died when he was 9 yrs, and he had never attempted to go and try and find her grave one day we wer talking and few weeks later he asked if i would go with him, said he only wanted me to be with him when he went.

 

Yet another time he can get so touchy, like if i mention or reply with answer he don't like when he talks about his kids and how his ex wife pisses him off, it like sometimes he jump to her every wim. They were together 17years I do wonder why they broke up now. Jay said it was because he was away sailing alot and she found someone else! I have felt at times that he see me when he not anything else planned and then expect me free when he is free, but that was more in the earlier days.

 

Oh what to do. 2 years is a long time and i do not just want to throw away what could be great. I guess i also have to think about my age i guess i am 43 now going on 44 have 5 children, and that was the other thing i was lucky that he got on with them, although found him little jealous over my eldest who is 26 at times. Sorry this is it just let me know what you really think i should do now. Thanks Tracy x

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are definitely conflicted, and when we are apart from someone it is easy to remember the good and to miss those good characteristics. However, you are doing well with remembering the difficult aspects, as well, so your memories are realistic and balanced. There is still time to let the situation play out; no need to make any moves one way or another until you feel moved to do so. Trust the journey. Trust your instincts, and your gut feelings. As more time passes, your feelings will begin to lean more confidently in one way or the other... and this will be when you will know if trying again is worth shot.

 

Not knowing why the first marriage truly dissolved, and not trusting his explanation is a good indication that trust has been an issue all along. Trust is essential to a healthy relationship. Insecurity, jealousy, etc... this is all baggage that weighs down a relationship. So as you progress through this process, keep that in mind. One of my favorite quotes is "I prefer to surround myself with those who are more like sails, and less like anchors."....so, is he more like a sail on your little ship of life, helping you to sail freely and giving you power to live and explore, or more like an anchor, holding you back and in one place and making you feel stifled? Only you know this... and it will become clearer in time!

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