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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Well I guess I have a couple more things I am trying to understand

Resolved Question:

Well I guess I have a couple more things I am trying to understand that I think you can help me with.

The first thing has to do with my cell phone. I have a passcode on my cell phone for a couple of reason. The first reason is because I have a touchscreen phone and without a passcode you hit features at times you do not want to hit. The second reason is because I caught him going through my phone one day which is fine I have nothing to hide BUT I am not allowed to go through his so forget it. He told me I must be hiding something and he mentions it in passing at least once a week. Why? If he has all these other girls he is cheating with me on and lying why does he care about my phone? Then last night he said you should get a new phone and give me your old one. I said yeah I am up for an upgrade. Then he said but don’t erase anything off of it when you give to me. Leave all your contacts and stuff in your phone. Why is that?

I have made up my mind as we talked about yesterday to not have sex with him for several reasons. First being I don’t want the emotional connection anymore and second being I don’t want a disease. He use to want me to touch him all the time and a couple of weeks ago I complained saying it doesn’t seem like you want me touching you anymore and you don’t want to be with me sexually. He said it’s not that but since I mentioned it a couple of times he has been real careful about not asking me to touch him and about holding back? Why is that? If it’s a game how to I beat him at his own game?

Lastly there is a girl who is very good friends with his aunt. She knows me well and I am 99% sure he is messing around with her on me. She knows me and she knows we live together. What is her purpose of doing that? His family loves me so why would he cross that line with his Aunt’s friend.
I find myself always trying to make it work and then I feel embarrassed because it seems to give him fuel. It seems to put him in charge of the situation? Let’s remember I am with a narcissist so what should I do to put me ahead so I don’t feel bad.

On Friday’s a lot of times he will say he is going with his friends after work for drinks. This has been becoming a habit. Sometimes he will take off at lunch time with his friends and call in sick rest of day to drink. It bothers me because he will drop our plans to do this. It is like I am his backup plan. I have allowed this and it bothers me. I feel I wait around every Friday wondering if he is coming home and see if we are going to do something so of course I don’t make plans in fear if I do and he comes home he will use that as an excuse to go mess around. What should I do about this? I think I have been too passive for too long?

I know I need to move on but in the meantime what should I do so I can get mentally healthy again? The sex thing is bothering me the most because it makes me feel like we went from a great sex life to none. I feel like something is wrong with me I am not good enough the others are better….and on and on.

Help me understand everything ad what is going through his twisted mind....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

When he tells you he wants to see your cell phone, he is most likely checking to be sure you are not cheating on him. Keep in mind that he is doing some pretty awful things to you. In the back of his mind, he may be fearful of you cheating on him. Although he is doing these things because he feels he is the center of your relationship, he still has insecurities. Otherwise, he would not be doing what he is doing to you. A person with a good self esteem does not need to think of themselves all the time, cheat on their partner or make an issue out of anything, especially seeing their partner's cell phone. If you want to maintain control of the situation, do not let him have your cell, even if you are getting rid of it. Instead, donate it to a women's shelter (they use it to help women in domestic abuse situations) or call another charity to see if they can use it.

 

Since you mentioned the sex issues to your boyfriend, he is holding back to maintain control. Instead of doing something about it and working on it with you, which would be a healthy response, he is using it to control you. He knows that it bothers you. In order to deal with it, it might be a good idea to drop the topic all together. Refuse to sleep with him. Just act as if it doesn't bother you. He may try to approach you more often about it, but keep saying the same thing- "I'm not interested". If he wants to know why, tell him. But then go right back to saying the same thing when he talks about it.

 

The girl he is fooling around with who is friends with his aunt may know that you are together, but she wants to feel she can take your partner even if he is with you. People who try to move in on a relationship with the intent of stealing someone's partner almost always have a very low self esteem. They feel that the "thrill" of having someone else's partner means they are special and better than the other person. Your partner also feels it is a thrill to do this under his aunt's nose and get away with it. It probably makes him feel he is superior since he is getting away with it. The only real way to beat this is to leave him. He is going to continue to cheat as long as he has the issues he has and has no insight into his problem.

 

If he is going out on Fridays, there is no reason for you to wait around for him. He is not informing you of his plans and he is also canceling your plans with him. This is basically putting you in the back up position, which as his partner is not fair to you at all. He should be treating you at least equal with himself. But instead he is putting you last. That means you do not have to put him first. Not for the sake of revenge, but for the simple fact that you deserve to enjoy your Fridays as much as he enjoys his. Make plans and stick with them. If he knows you are going out, he may change his plans for fear that you are cheating on him but keep your plans anyway. Let him know that when he is ready to keep his dates with you, you will go out with him. Otherwise, you are sticking to your plans.

 

To get mentally healthy again, you can focus on increasing your self esteem. Start by learning more about how you can feel better about yourself. Here is a link to help:

 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem/

 

And here are some books:

 

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

 

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel

 

The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem by Sue Patton Thoele

 

By learning more you about feeling better about yourself, you can begin to work your way out of this relationship and into a healthier one.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope you got all the information you needed. Please let me know if there is any more I can do.

Kate

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