Well perhaps I spoke too soon. I was hopeful and a bit excited about our 'date' I did some bacon and mushroom and fried potato with some salad for lunch and then in the evening I had a shower and dressed in cloths I thought he would like. He asked if we were going to have a take away and I said I was keen on eating popcorn so perhaps we should eat at home first. So he went into the kitchen and had beans on toast and other stuff. I didn't eat.
I was dissapointed that he didn't tell me I looked nice even after two twirls in front of him, then I made an effort to tell him i liked his outfit and I put my hand in the crook of his arm on the walk there. We went in and he booked seats at the back of the film but then watched the whole film without touching me at all. I put my arm over so my fingers were on his thigh but he didn't respond. When we went out I took his arm again but he turned me loose to put his jacket on, the crossed the roads etc without checking to see if I was coming or waiting or anything. Then he took my hand, I was pleased but this is really confusing for me, does he want to be close or not?
When we got to bed he told me he was dissapointed that I didn't notice he was wearing his wedding ring, I was so furious with myself for not noticing that, I should have noticed and praised him or commented. I could have kicked myself. I apologised for not noticing and told him how great it was. I did tell him I hoped he would tell me I looked nice, I think he said oh sorry but I can't remember.
So I crept over the bed and tucked myself up next to him with my head on his arm but he didn't cuddle me or respond really and after a while he asked for his arm back so he could go to sleep.
I woke up about 7 this morning and as ususal he was already up, then he came up at 7.10 and told me he was surprised I was still in bed and did I know that my horse was in the feed room. I cursed the horse and said no I didn't know. I asked if he had got the horse out and shut the door, and he said 'No!' and went off downstairs.
I grabbed clothes and sorted the horrid horse!
When I came in James told me he didn't like me staying in bed so late when there was work to be done. I let him go out and then had a little cry, he came back in and we talked a bit more. He asked me how would feel if I worked all day then didn't have dinner ready for me when I got in, it turns out he was grumpy that he had to get his own tea last night. Heidi I cook almost everyday and if I go out for the evening I cook for him and my son before I go. I shop and make sure there is food in the house if I go away for the weekend. I did say it was very unusual he had to make his own dinner.
Then he went on to tell me if I got up earlier and made the coffee ready and packed the dishes etc he would probably be kinder. He said if I worked harder for him then he would be happier.
I just felt utterly gutted, I do everything in the house, I do all the paperwork for 2 businesses, I look after our child, I do all the cooking and the animals. Plus his mother told me I was at least 50% to blame for the marriage being bad yesterday.
All that hope that we were going forward seems to have just been dashed. One semi pleasent day was all I got from telling him honestly I was ready to leave.
I have been in tears most of the morning over all this. I know I could work harder and do more. I suddenly said to a friend this morning ' Oh my god I am a battered wife' a moment of clarity, not physically, in some ways that would be better but I am an emotionally battered wife. I feel like I must try harder every time he gets angry with me, its my own fault for not being good enough that he isn't treating me right.
On the other hand I wonder if I am being unreasonable about the whole thing but if I feel like this I can't be surely?