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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Good Morning, Kate. Thank you for all the help you have provided

Resolved Question:

Good Morning, Kate. Thank you for all the help you have provided me so far. It really has made me change. Last Friday my boyfriend took the day off and lied about it. Of course I figured it out and he continued the lies and they got bigger. BotXXXXX XXXXXne is that he took it off to go spend time with another women. He is telling these women to keep them happy that he doesn't want to be with me but I won't move. Although he has asked me to move to a bigger better house with him. I can't even believe they believe his lies but of course there was a point that I believed them. I also saw on his bank statement that he went shopping and spend 120.00 on someone at macys. It was not for me or him. It was also not for a gift for the family as I take care of all of that. It hurt me due to the fact that he does not take the time out to buy me anything. I do everything for him. He wouldn't even take his medicine if it was not for me laying it next to his bed everyday. Everytime I want to discuss things he just comes up with more lies.

I am at the point that I feel I just don't care anymore. In the past 4 weeks I have really given up. I feel disquisted and hurt and disgraced over all of this. How can a man sleep with so many women. It is not even a challenge to sleep with him you pretty much just have to look at him. He does it during work hours because he has a flexible schedule. Why do these other women accept this. To meet up with him every once in awhile for 2 hours? I have distanced myself and I can tell he is testing me. He will say things like I don't care anymore to see what kind of a reaction he can get out of me. These things use to get a reaction out of me but now not even worth my energy I feel. I have not been sexual with him over 10 days and to be honest I do not want to. The act to me means something and why waste my time on something that means nothing. I don't even want him to look at my body anymore I feel it would be like showing it to a stranger and I don't want to see him anymore. When he gets out of shower and I am in the room I find myselft turning my head because I don't want to see it. Why am I feeling this way? What is going on with me? I don't even feel like touching him any longer. He will ask me to rub his back or leg and I will for a minute catch myself and stop doing it. He is really testing me. He will hold back on touching me and other things because I would use to say something about it but now I don't but I think he is testing me. I am so confused. You gave me such great advice that I pulled strength from before that I am back. For the first time ever I don't feel I am the problem, not good enough, not pretty enough, etc. Just coming back for your analysis and advice....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello! It's good to talk with you again. I am glad to hear that the previous answers helped. I am happy to be here for you!

 

From what you said, it sounds like you are starting to see your boyfriend for what he is. You are no longer looking at him the way he wants you to see him, through his own eyes and in a way that puts him on a pedestal. You are gaining self esteem and realizing that you do not have to be treated so poorly. And because your self esteem is improving, you are opening up to the idea that being treated badly is not something you deserve. You deserve much better.

 

Also, you are pulling away from your boyfriend because he is now on another level than you are. He keeps acting the way he always has- thinking of himself first, cheating and lying. For some reason, that is how he feels it is acceptable to act in relationships. But you are growing, becoming more emotionally healthy and his view of relationships no longer fits yours. So you are pulling away, turned off by how he treats you.

 

The other women he is with probably have low self esteems. They may want to be loved by someone that makes them feel special because that gives them the sense they are important. They either do not want to see your boyfriend for who he is or they choose not to see it. Either way, they may keep coming back because like a drug, they need someone to treat them in a special way, buying them gifts and paying attention to them. They cannot give themselves value and see that they are settling for less than they deserve.

 

Because your boyfriend is with these other women, it is natural for you to feel turned off. You don't want to share him. You want to feel you are the center of his world. But he has shown you that you are not, which to you, being more emotionally healthy, is a turn off. Also, there is a big risk for disease, which is a consideration. He could hurt you by passing something onto you and given how he treats you, he may not care or try to take responsibility.

 

Showing him who you really are, physically and emotionally, is no longer an option for you. You have been too hurt by him and have grown too far beyond this type of relationship that it no longer works for you. Focusing on leaving and finding a healthy relationship are both good goals for you. You deserve a relationship that has mutual love and understanding. And you need someone who will treat you with respect and kindness, putting your needs first. Your current relationship does not fulfill those needs for you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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