Not using the r word or any other words about what happened to you is a way to distance yourself from what really happened. It can keep the meaning and the reality of it away. There is really no word that is going to make you feel totally comfortable with what happened to you, but this is not so much about the word as the meanings you assign to them. In other words, what those words mean to you.
From what you have told me about your feelings of embarrassment and shame, it seems to be about what others feel about you, in light of what happened. Embarrassment stems from an awareness of yourself that you are doing something or was a part of something shameful. The standard in which we measure that by is how others see us. But in your case, I think it is how you perceive others view you. Because Linda and I do not see what happened to you the same way you perceive that we do. Until now, that has been difficult for you to accept.
Why you feel the way you do today could be from the nightmares and the effect it has had on your sleep and on how you feel. Is there a way to get a nap in today? You could also try distracting yourself for a while. Do something out of the ordinary. You can also plan something special for yourself tonight so you have something to look forward to. That sometimes can help you get through a difficult day.
I can't take a nap today. I have too much to do and meetings this afternoon. I thought about going to a movie tonight with P and her brother, but they are going to see the "Avengers" in 3D and that will make me vomit for sure. I tend to get motion sickness when I see action movies in the theater. Plus, I just want to sleep. I will look forward to a bath and sleep. Or maybe I can call P and ask her to fill up the hot tub today.
I know why I feel bad today. It's just the feelings and the sleep problem. You are right. I just want these feelings to go away. Without the feelings, I can handle the lack of sleep. I will try to distract myself. It will be easy this afternoon when I am meeting with clients.
Sorry. I'm just complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I know that's not right- I am really a blessed person. But I just am.
I know I have opinions about how you and Linda perceive me. I would imagine some of that comes from how I perceive myself?? I don't feel like either of you are judging me harshly. I just can't imagine you don't feel differently about me than you would in other circumstances. I mean, we'll never know. I met both you and Linda specifically because I need help due to what happened, so ... But I mean, don't you think it would be awkward for Linda to sit in the same room hours a week, week after week, with someone who swallowed somebody else's urine and did/said those things and had a bottle used in that way and was all torn up?
It's perfectly fine to have an off day, especially given what you are dealing with! I would expect you to feel down, sometimes for often than not.
Yes, how you feel Linda and I perceive you comes from how you perceive yourself, especially if you have not seen any signs that we feel that way. And you have checked in with both of us and we both have told you we don't feel the way you see us feeling. I don't think it is awkward at all for Linda to see you after knowing what happened to you. That is your perception. I don't feel that way either. I don't think of those things when I talk with you. But you do, so it is about your perception.
It is understandable that you feel as you do. You have spent the last several days talking about some very heavy duty topics, things that you have been trying to confront for a while now. And you are gaining so much insight every day that I'm struggling to keep up! :) Therapy is exhausting work, and it could be that you are more tired than you realize.
That might be true.
I'm glad i will be seeing Linda again tomorrow.