Interestingly, when I watched the news last night and this morning, I found out that a teenager on her way to school yesterday morning was assaulted within a block of where I meet with Linda. Apparently there had been an earlier assault in the same area last week or something, they think by the same person. Kind of glad I didn’t know that before I went to my appointment last night. I feel really bad for the kid, obviously. That sucks.
It’s not really that much of an issue hearing about other incidents. I watch documentary crime shows every night, so I think I am kind of used to hearing about these things. I think the reason it bothered me last night was because Linda was saying “why did
he have to stab her?” and “It was so cold that night. Why did he leave her outside in a ditch?” I don’t know. It just kind of hit home, even though it’s not really too similar.
I don’t like any words for it. I don’t like r***, I don’t like “attack” or “attackers,” I don’t like any if it. But I guess it needs to be described in some way. I feel most comfortable with “assault,” I think, because that could be minor or major, and not necessarily sexual, and technically, it doesn’t mean any physical contact. That would be battery. It technically means attempted battery, and was a crime because of the fear and emotional damage – not any physical damage (although even in statutes today, assault is frequently used to include physical contact). Should I just try to start using the r word?? I used to not like it because I felt like it wasn’t accurate and didn’t account for my part in it. Now it just seems to denote such a .... I don’t know .... kind of raw and brutal thing. Like the word itself has some power.
You think the embarrassment is about how I feel others perceive me? It might be. I don’t know. I just feel embarrassed that she and you know all these things - and I think that independently of what I think you might think of me because of it. However, it does also concern me what you guys think of me in light of the fact that you do know all this stuff.
I agree with you about the nightmares
I am so tired today, though. I feel really down. I was going to call Linda, but I don’t really have anything to say, and I don’t think she can make me feel better anyway. I took extra zoloft this morning. I don’t think it will probably make a difference. I think that stuff has to build up in your system.
Oh – and I wanted to expand upon what I was saying about not being suicidal. It is not at all the case that I feel there’s “no other way out” or something. I have hope. I have a lot of hope. And even though I feel miserable right now, things otherwise in my life are pretty good. I do see a way out of this – in fact, it is the way out of this that is making me miserable in the short term. Anyway, if I were ever planning on hurting myself or worse – and really wanted to do it, I certainly wouldn’t tell my therapist. That would defeat the goal, if it were my goal (which it isn’t). I do see that all of this is going to be for the best and I will be better after all this than I was a year ago. I have confidence in that. However, the process sucks and it is way too long. :)
Is there any way you can think of something to make me feel better just for today?