Hi.As a child I was molested and growing up I've never really been interested in sex. It sometimes really discusts me even though I know it is natural. I used to pretend to like it because I thought it waste right thing to do. After all it seems to mean so much to men.My husband knows what happened to me and he knows that I don't much like sex but he Makes excuses for it rather than accepting it is because of what happened. I try to pretend to like sex for him and sometimes he buys it but sometimes he doesn't. It puts a real strain on our relationship because he tells me all the time how much sex is important to him. If feel like if I don't have sex and pretend to want to have sex he will leave me.This act is difficult to keep up because my feelings against having sex are so strong. I dread it. Sometimes this shows and he then gets angry. I really don't know what to do.
Person's Gender: Female
Person's Age: 27
I've had counselling.
He may be telling the truth when he says that he understands you. What may be happening as well is that he associates sexual intimacy with not being rejected as a man by the woman he loves/wants to be with.
Of course, love is not all expressed through sex. Yet, some men associate sex with love while women look for other things such as safety, trust and emotional closeness.
Your aversion to sex as you seem to attribute it to is your past abuse. You've mentioned having had counseling (not sure if you meant to address the abuse or your aversion to sex or both). What can be done would depend on whether or not you would want to try to work through this issue perhaps alone at first and then with your husband.
Some individuals take oxytocin (what is known as the bonding hormone) Working with a sexologist can be another option. Another option would be NLP (neurolinguistic programming) which targets the subconscious mind and allows you to make the desiresable changes.
If you believe that your husband is so preoccupied with the idea of sex and if he does not engage in it that he'd leave you, is something to talk to him about. This may be a valid concern or it may be a fear and anxiety reaction on your part. You're a family and can address this as a team. Different reasons may be causing you to feel this way besides the past trauma. Things such as vaginismus, inorgasmia, being asexual, not trusting him completely, self esteem issues, etc.
PsyD, LPC, CHt