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It does sound like it was a good session! I'm glad it went well. You are right, facing your feelings is not for wimps. I always thought that people who chose to go through therapy are some of the strongest people I know.
It's ok that you feel like you want to die. It is common to feel that way when things get overwhelming. And it's particularly strong when you are facing something like what you went through. It is not easy to look at your attack, feel the emotions that went with it and have to share it with others. All of the feelings associated with sharing this are intense. And it is ok to feel like you want to die, as long as you don't feel you want to hurt yourself. Wanting to die is wanting to escape your feelings and rest from all the stress. It's a way to escape and get peace. Being suicidal is turning feelings onto yourself and being in so much pain you don't see a way out. And I don't believe you feel that way. You are working towards feeling better and you know that one day you will.
Linda may have felt stuck in how to help you with what you feel and might just need some time to think it through. It was good for her to pray with you though. Sometimes asking God for help is the best solution. And I'm sure Linda will take time to work on the issue before she sees you again.
What kind of reaction did you have when Linda said the r word?
I think your reaction might have been about facing what happened. Categorizing your attack as something other than the r word helps you distance yourself from the reality of what happened. It creates a kind of barrier so it seems less intense. But by acknowledging what the attack really was and facing your feelings about the attackers, it helps you face your own feelings and work through them. But only you can say when you feel ready to do that.
I hope your night went well. If you hear back from Dr. M, let me know what she does about your medication.
I do agree with Linda. Sitting with your feelings for a while is a good idea. It can help you see that they will not hurt you, even if they do feel bad.
Taking this slow is good too. The more you speed through your emotions, the more you will miss. And you don't want to have to come back to it more than you have to.
It can't be easy to hear about other assaults, like the one Linda heard about in the small town in NM. I imagine that Linda might use the r word to help you get used to it. But it may also help you to explore why that word in particular means more to you than another word to describe what you went through.
Yes, she does need to know that you feel embarrassed about facing her. It's an important part of your recovery because it shows how you feel others perceive you as a result of the attack.
I'm sorry you had nightmares last night. I suspect it is because of what you have been talking about in the last few days. It's going to work itself out at night too until you get assimilated to how you feel.
I slept ok, thanks!
Talk to you soon,