Hey Kate. Session tonight took a lot out of me. I didn't feel so upset when I got there. I told her it hadn't been a great week and I told her what I had been thinking through and feeling. She said that she thought the whole distinction between the embarrassment/humiliation/shame and fault was a really good step. I talked to her about some of the same things you and I have been discussing the past few days. And we talked about how I was embarrassed because of all she knew. She asked what she could do to make me feel less embarrassed and to make me realize how she really feels. I told her that I didn't feel like she was judging me for what I did
- she has made that clear and I believe her. But she knows all these really personal and humiliating things about me. We also talked about the lack of control, how thing seem more real, etc. I got pretty upset. I told her sometimes I feel like i want to die (but i don't feel suicidal). She said her initial feeling is to want to rescue me from these feelings, but she felt I needed to experience these feelings. She stopped and prayed and asked God to let me feel as much as I needed but to let me know when it was getting too much. It was a long prayer. I think she was struggling as to what to do to help me. It was a good session, though. She said a lot of the same things you did. She also said that she didn't want me to get upset to the level of a 10 or something, but she doesn't know how I could talk about some of these issues and not get to that point.
I was trying to explainto her how it felt when I had no control at all, like when I couldn't even change positions or double over when he used the bottle. But she hadn't experienced any of the examples I was trying to use. It was getting late and I didn't feel like crying anymore for tonight because I wanted to calm down. But I told her I felt like I needed to release some of this and we agreed to just try to cry and let some of it out Thursday. I told her "of course, I won't be upset now that we've planned it.". She said "I'll make you" and went on to say that she wants us to try to break down what is making me feel embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated - that I was such a big feeling and we should break it down.
She said the r*** word tonight and I had like a physical reaction. Weird.
Overall, a productive session, I think. I felt good discussing this stuff more. But it really really helped that you and I had already gone through it. I could focus more.
But now I am exhausted. This feeling stuff is not for wimps :) I'm seriously spent.
I called dr m today because I was supposed to follow up with her after I was using the bipap for 3-5 weeks. I left her a message telling her that the sleep stuff was all helping. And that it was helping me focus a little better. But I asked her if I could try a stimulant for the ADHD instead of the Wellbutrin, but I want to stay on the Zoloft for now and asked if I could up it a bit. I told her it has been a miserable few months and I didn't expect this to take this long. She called me back, but I was on my office phone and she didn't leave a message. Hopefully she will call back tomorrow. I would like to try the Ritalin or adderall. We'll see what she says.
Well, I'm going to try to take a bath and relax if I can. I just felt like I wanted to tell you how my session went.
I hope you had a good night!