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Boys who are abused as children usually grow up to either have problems with sexuality in marriage or outside of it and/or they have a higher incidence of abusing young children themselves. Most, as far as any studies I am aware of say, do not grow up to attack women and dominate them. That usually indicates extreme anger towards women, who typically do not sexually abuse young boys as much as men do. This is based on my experience.
Regardless of the studies and experience, these guys did this to you based on extreme anger and the intense need to dominate and humiliate. They did not do it for the sex. Like we talked about yesterday, these guys could be considered violent sexual predators. And in order to do what they did, the strength of the emotion behind it has to be intense. This kind of behavior doesn't just develop out of the blue. Something happened to them to make them have these feelings against women.
How are you feeling today?
I'm doing fine- thanks for asking!
It's ok to feel weird and upset. It's not comfortable and I'm sure you'd prefer not to feel this way, but it is normal.
It can be hard to face your actual feelings about what happened to you, and realize the depth of it. People who are hurt spend a huge amount of energy trying to cope with what they feel by hiding it under layers of defenses, distractions and other avoiding behaviors. That is not because they are strong in avoiding their past. It's because emotional reactions to trauma can be very intense and hard to cope with.
It may help you to know that not only is what you are feeling normal, it is incredibly brave of you to have pushed through all your defenses and brought yourself to the point that you are face to face with your feelings from the attack. You are no longer saying it is ok to avoid this. I know you sometimes see being afraid as being weak, but there is nothing weak about facing the results of the trauma you suffered.
You have lived in sort of a protective shell all these years, blocking out all the things connected to what happened to you. Now that you are fully aware of your feelings and the other aspects of the attack, you are seeing your world differently, which includes being sensitive to how vulnerable you are. That does not mean you are in any more danger than you were before, but just that you are more aware. That feeling will go away. It's new so it seems big, but as you assimilate it, it will reduce.
You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I understand why you feel that way and I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel as you do, but when I think about what you went through, I do not see you as anything but a survivor. I think about going through something like that and imagine the strength it would take not only to live through it, but to deal with the aftermath. It's amazing what kind of resilience it would require. It would be so easy for you to say forget this and just bury your feelings in drugs or alcohol or avoid it through other kinds of dysfunctional behavior. But you don't do that. That is something to feel good about.