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I think you hit the nail on the head. Separating self blame from the humiliation of the attack is important. You did not cause those humiliating acts to occur, even if you feel you "agreed" to them. Yes, they do cause you to feel ashamed. Anyone would feel just as you do. It is part of the attack to make you feel those feelings. Those guys wanted to degrade you, physically and emotionally. And making you do things that will humiliate you is part of that. But blaming yourself, as if it is your fault those things happened, is a different thing. Accepting responsibility for something out of your control is about something else besides feeling humiliation and shame.
Right. That is exactly it.
It probably hurts because it is the real pain, the truth of what happened to you. All this time, you have tried to repress it, avoid it and you have wrestled with your past interfering with you seeing the attack for what it was. Now you are facing it head on. That is not easy. What you went through was horrifying. Seeing that clearly for the first time is painful and overwhelming.
It's ok. This is new to feel this way, but you have always had these feelings. They have been with you all these years. It just feels scary to have them so present. Try taking some deep breaths and work through some relaxation techniques. And most of all, keep repeating to yourself that you are safe. You are no more in danger now than you were yesterday or the day before. Is there anyone you can call? Maybe P? You could talk with her as you leave and on your way home. I think hearing a comforting voice might help a lot.
Stay with your feelings but don't try to scare yourself at the same time. I don't think that you will repress the feelings suddenly if you take a break and try to calm yourself by thinking of something else. Once you have this insight, it will stay with you unless you make a huge effort to repress it again.
I understand how you feel. Many people experience the same feelings when they suddenly understand their deeper feelings. Gaining insight is a very healthy thing, but it can also make you feel exposed and frightened, but only until you get used to it. Your mind is adjusting to the shock of your insight and that can take a bit to adjust to.
Keep in mind, this will not hurt you. It can feel strange and upsetting, but nothing will happen to you.Kate
You're welcome. Have a good night. If you have time, let me know how you are doing tomorrow.