Yes, I do think that both of the guys were sexual sadists. It is only a matter of degrees. One had the capacity to be more cruel, at least during your attack. That does not mean the other did not. If he attacked someone another time, he could have been the aggressor. Again, only someone who is accepting of sexual sadistic behavior would have even been there that night in the first place.
What you did before, during and after the attack was not your fault. You did what you had to do to survive. End of story. There is no doubt in my mind that you were in survival mode. I have been in this field for a very long time and I've had a lot of schooling, training and experience with all kinds of people. I can say with all confidence that you were only doing what you had to do, nothing more. If I had any doubt, even the smallest, I would not be saying this. And the fact that I'm a Christian should help back that up. Shay, you did what anyone would have done in that situation, you survived. It was not something bad that you did, it was survival. It may not have felt like it was, but that doesn't change that it was. And you cannot change my mind on that no matter what. But what counts here is changing your thoughts about it, not mine. I can say what I feel till Kingdom come, but if you don't believe it, it won't matter.
I think I sometimes want it to be my fault because I can punish myself and not them, and I can stop myself from doing anything like that again, but I can't stop anyone else.
But I also don't want to feel like I am bad and wrong a "sold" myself in some way. It makes me feel so cheap and complicit and ... like them.
But it feels less dangerous to me to be amd at myself rather than hate them. When I start to feel hate towards them, I feel like I am on the edge of a big dark chasm. It feels dangerous.
It would be wonderful to be in control like that and be able to stop someone from hurting you. I think most people who have been in your position feel the same way. I know I would.
You could never be like them, even if you did give in. It still amounts to no choice because it was an attack and not a consensual agreed upon act.
Being mad at them is overwhelming. But consider that you already feel those feelings because you have the capacity to feel them now, you are just holding them back. They will not overwhelm you. Part of your fear over expressing them might be that to be mad at them would mean you would have to admit they were wrong, and not you. That means giving up your life long belief that you are responsible for everything that happens to you. That can feel like a lot to tackle all at once.
Not really. I seem to have gone from comfortably semi-numb to panicked and upset in a short time. I feel kind of violent. I mean -- not like I am going to do anything. But I would. If they were here. I am feeling like bashing their heads in with a hammer, on the one hand (probably because I just watched a documentary last night where the husband killed his wife this way -- I'm pretty suggestible, it seems :) ) and wanting to take it out on myself (NOT with a hammer :) ).
I need to go off line for a little while but I will check back soon, in case you want to talk.