Interesting article. Thanks.
First, I wanted to clarify – I didn’t mean I had something n common with them because of childhood stuff — I meant: did
they have people do to them things similar to what they were doing to me. Did we have that in common?
Second, what I was saying about the forgiving them is that I thought I had before. But it was easy, because I didn’t think about how I felt about what they did. I now don’t think I have really forgiven them (like Linda said), and I don’t think I am there yet. I’m not even really close. I am getting angrier and angrier at them. And it was pointless. They didn’t need to do that stuff.
Third, you are right – I can’t imagine C or my brother or any man I know now even just standing there while the mean one did what he was doing – even if they didn’t hold me down or have sex with me. When I look at it that way, it seems very abnormal and wrong, whereas if I compare him with the mean one, he seems kind of nice. But on the other hand, don’t I owe the other one something? He may have saved my life. And he could have made things even worse for me, but didn’t.
Fourth, thanks for explaining the terminology. But — since I agreed to let him do that and even asked for it and even got into “position,” so to speak, would I call it anal sex or sodomy? And do you think it was a reasonable thought I had at the time that he might do that with the bottle if I didn’t cooperate, even tough he didn’t say that? Dr. M said that probably would have killed me. She showed me where some major arteries and organs are.
Fifth, know I shouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. And it will be fruitless. But I am trying to convince myself there is something wrong with them and not me.
Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on: I do think I am valuable. I thought I had value before then. Lots. But during that time, I seemed to have no independent value. Even though there were times during it that I made choices, I feel like for much of the time, every little thing: whether I was cut or not, whether I would have sex with them, whether I lived or died, whether I could even move – was 100% dictated by them. I was totally theirs to do with as they wanted. Like they owned me. I wasn’t even allowed to hold my stomach or double over when they used the bottle or to try to get any relief. So - how could I be treated and controlled and dominated like that and still have separate value? I know I got it back - most of it - and I will get it all back. But it is frightening to think I can just be taken and used by someone without any say-so by me. That I can be reduced to nothing in less than an hour. Hours before, I had everything, and a few hours later, I was in a position of appreciating the other one having sex with me because it was better than the alternative. I can’t make it fit. Can that happen to anyone? Whenever??