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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: Interesting article. Thanks. First, I wanted to

Resolved Question:

Kate:

Interesting article. Thanks.

First, I wanted to clarify – I didn’t mean I had something n common with them because of childhood stuff — I meant: did they have people do to them things similar to what they were doing to me. Did we have that in common?

Second, what I was saying about the forgiving them is that I thought I had before. But it was easy, because I didn’t think about how I felt about what they did. I now don’t think I have really forgiven them (like Linda said), and I don’t think I am there yet. I’m not even really close. I am getting angrier and angrier at them. And it was pointless. They didn’t need to do that stuff.

Third, you are right – I can’t imagine C or my brother or any man I know now even just standing there while the mean one did what he was doing – even if they didn’t hold me down or have sex with me. When I look at it that way, it seems very abnormal and wrong, whereas if I compare him with the mean one, he seems kind of nice. But on the other hand, don’t I owe the other one something? He may have saved my life. And he could have made things even worse for me, but didn’t.

Fourth, thanks for explaining the terminology. But — since I agreed to let him do that and even asked for it and even got into “position,” so to speak, would I call it anal sex or sodomy? And do you think it was a reasonable thought I had at the time that he might do that with the bottle if I didn’t cooperate, even tough he didn’t say that? Dr. M said that probably would have killed me. She showed me where some major arteries and organs are.

Fifth, know I shouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. And it will be fruitless. But I am trying to convince myself there is something wrong with them and not me.

Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on: I do think I am valuable. I thought I had value before then. Lots. But during that time, I seemed to have no independent value. Even though there were times during it that I made choices, I feel like for much of the time, every little thing: whether I was cut or not, whether I would have sex with them, whether I lived or died, whether I could even move – was 100% dictated by them. I was totally theirs to do with as they wanted. Like they owned me. I wasn’t even allowed to hold my stomach or double over when they used the bottle or to try to get any relief. So - how could I be treated and controlled and dominated like that and still have separate value? I know I got it back - most of it - and I will get it all back. But it is frightening to think I can just be taken and used by someone without any say-so by me. That I can be reduced to nothing in less than an hour. Hours before, I had everything, and a few hours later, I was in a position of appreciating the other one having sex with me because it was better than the alternative. I can’t make it fit. Can that happen to anyone? Whenever??

S
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Shay,

 

They may have been abused as children like what they did to you. But even if they were raped, they were men and not women. Big difference. And they had a choice in how they responded to that. Many boys are abused horribly and do not grow up to attack women.

 

Why would you owe the nice one anything? He was there, it's as simple as that. He participated. It's not a contest to see who could be meaner. And the law would see them both the same way equally guilty. Maybe he did prevent you from being killed, but so what? He could have stopped the whole thing too or just not been there at all to help you get attacked. It could be seen either way.

 

What was done to you was sodomy. No question about it. Would you have been there given the choice? I understand your feeling that you "chose" to "let" them. But a choice between two non choice options is not a choice. You would have chosen to not be there if you were allowed a real choice based on what you felt.

 

Anyone who has ever been attacked or abused has had someone control them. They feel their value was reduced and that they had no choice. It is a natural response to an abnormal situation. And you can acknowledge that for a while, they did have control. But they do not have your value unless you give it to them. You are still just as worthy now as you were the moment before the attack. Maybe more so since you lived through such a horrible thing then not only went on with your life but sought help for it as well. It is a strength they will never have. And in God's eyes, you are very valuable and always will be.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate:

 

Remember for a time when I could say the r*** word okay? Why am I having trouble with it now again? it is making me cringe when you ise it and also when I read this article that I will link to below.

 

Your explanations make sense. But my chest is feeling all tight and I am feeling upset. Why? I keep scrunching my eyes shut and turning my head when I think about things or when I was reading your Answer. I don't know why. It's weird. I feel weird.

 

Could youdo me a favor and look at this article when you have a minute and let me know what you think? it's not long.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dsm5-in-distress/201104/most-rapists-are-not-sadists

 

Thanks.

 

S

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
http://www.forensicpsychiatry.ca/sex/sadrape.htm
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you really believe I had no choice? I know you have to say that, regardless. I am trusting you. I don't want you to be secretly believng I am a slut. (or I guess, more accurately - a whore - since I did it in exchange for something). I need to feel like I didn't help them do this to me. I feel like I can't b eangry with them like I am without being angry with myself for my part. I need to know what I did was okay. I feel a little panicky about it right now.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It's ok to feel upset, Shay. What is probably is making you feel this way is confronting some of your true feelings about the attack. You are trying to see yourself as not at fault, and if you weren't, what would that mean to you? It might mean that this was what it was, an attack on you, pure and simple. You were deeply hurt by these guys and that reaches you into your core. It's very painful and hard to face.

 

I read the article and see this doctor's point. But I don't necessarily agree. It's apples and oranges. While rape may not be considered a mental health disorder itself, the person that perpetrates it is not a mentally healthy individual living a normal life. There is something wrong with him. For the sake of the court system, I can see what the point of the article is. But within mental health, being a rapist is not a sign of good emotional health.

 

What was done to you was done by Sexual Sadist perpetrators. They needed to hurt you badly to get their thrill. They fit the description perfectly. And it is criminal behavior along with being very emotionally sick.

 

How does this article make you feel? That did you think of it?

 

I really believe you had no choice. I have never thought differently. If you had agreed to this and got money for it, then it may be considered prostitution. But you did not agree with this or get money for it. There was nothing you got in exchange except your life. And who voluntarily bargains for their own life?

 

Being angry with them without being angry towards yourself is something you learned as a child. This was not your fault, no matter how many times your parents tried to convince you that everything is your fault, no matter what. They were wrong, and those guys were wrong. They both did wrong things to you.

 

Try taking a deep breath and calming yourself. You are safe now. No one is going to hurt you. And you have lived through this already so it cannot get worse. Keep repeating that until you feel better. You are ok. I'm here if you need me.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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