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They may have been abused as children like what they did to you. But even if they were raped, they were men and not women. Big difference. And they had a choice in how they responded to that. Many boys are abused horribly and do not grow up to attack women.
Why would you owe the nice one anything? He was there, it's as simple as that. He participated. It's not a contest to see who could be meaner. And the law would see them both the same way equally guilty. Maybe he did prevent you from being killed, but so what? He could have stopped the whole thing too or just not been there at all to help you get attacked. It could be seen either way.
What was done to you was sodomy. No question about it. Would you have been there given the choice? I understand your feeling that you "chose" to "let" them. But a choice between two non choice options is not a choice. You would have chosen to not be there if you were allowed a real choice based on what you felt.
Anyone who has ever been attacked or abused has had someone control them. They feel their value was reduced and that they had no choice. It is a natural response to an abnormal situation. And you can acknowledge that for a while, they did have control. But they do not have your value unless you give it to them. You are still just as worthy now as you were the moment before the attack. Maybe more so since you lived through such a horrible thing then not only went on with your life but sought help for it as well. It is a strength they will never have. And in God's eyes, you are very valuable and always will be.
Remember for a time when I could say the r*** word okay? Why am I having trouble with it now again? it is making me cringe when you ise it and also when I read this article that I will link to below.
Your explanations make sense. But my chest is feeling all tight and I am feeling upset. Why? I keep scrunching my eyes shut and turning my head when I think about things or when I was reading your Answer. I don't know why. It's weird. I feel weird.
Could youdo me a favor and look at this article when you have a minute and let me know what you think? it's not long.
It's ok to feel upset, Shay. What is probably is making you feel this way is confronting some of your true feelings about the attack. You are trying to see yourself as not at fault, and if you weren't, what would that mean to you? It might mean that this was what it was, an attack on you, pure and simple. You were deeply hurt by these guys and that reaches you into your core. It's very painful and hard to face.
I read the article and see this doctor's point. But I don't necessarily agree. It's apples and oranges. While rape may not be considered a mental health disorder itself, the person that perpetrates it is not a mentally healthy individual living a normal life. There is something wrong with him. For the sake of the court system, I can see what the point of the article is. But within mental health, being a rapist is not a sign of good emotional health.
What was done to you was done by Sexual Sadist perpetrators. They needed to hurt you badly to get their thrill. They fit the description perfectly. And it is criminal behavior along with being very emotionally sick.
How does this article make you feel? That did you think of it?
I really believe you had no choice. I have never thought differently. If you had agreed to this and got money for it, then it may be considered prostitution. But you did not agree with this or get money for it. There was nothing you got in exchange except your life. And who voluntarily bargains for their own life?
Being angry with them without being angry towards yourself is something you learned as a child. This was not your fault, no matter how many times your parents tried to convince you that everything is your fault, no matter what. They were wrong, and those guys were wrong. They both did wrong things to you.
Try taking a deep breath and calming yourself. You are safe now. No one is going to hurt you. And you have lived through this already so it cannot get worse. Keep repeating that until you feel better. You are ok. I'm here if you need me.