About 6 hours of sleep in 5 days. This is crazy, but I'm not crazy. I'm really not. I've canceled my appointments with the shrink. I can't do this to myself anymore. If I can't get through this, how am I going to get through any thing else? I've failed at trying to prove to myself that I can do anything. I'm done. It's over
***Ok, I guess you can't talk now. I'm sorry to keep bothering you. I'm just not sure what the hell I'm doing. I have to go pick up my kids from school now. I'm really sorry, Jen.
Hi. I am online now.
touch base when you can and if the homework that your therapist has given you is too much, then you need to tell him and take it off your plate right now.
canceling doesnt help you.
and i will repeat as I always do that if you are feeling suicidal or want to harm yourself in any way you must seek emergency care.
I'm at a loss on what to say. Im not sure what to do anymore. What I knew when I started this whole process was that I needed help. I sought out that help (although very reluctantly). I've been battleing feeling guilty about it since I started. It doesn't make sense, but nothing about this does. I went and I tried to be as honest as I could, although I admit, I've hidden more than I've shared. My father used to say that I was a bull in a china shop with no escape route--destroying everything in my path--my own worst enemy. My mother used to say that my mouth was going to get my ass kicked someday. The bull in me has gotten me to my life as it is now. As dyfunctional as it seems at times, I'm thankful everyday for how good it is, as it could be so much worse. I've always seen my life with a silver lining, I always smile and I always laugh. If there was a way to convince my mind that all is well, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I sort of equate this with being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You can get treatment, you can try experiemental medications, you can can pray...but maybe in the end you were just meant not to make it no matter what. I look at this like my new reality, and I must adapt. And that's all there is to it.
I am terribly sad to hear this in you as you were getting stronger last week.
Don't be sad.
This is just part of the process of exceptance.
of course I feel that way...because I want you to be free from this stuff
I dont share that view...I always have a hopeful view
You know, "free" is such a subjective word.
Maybe this is free.
Maybe this is as good as it's supposed to be.
giving up does not sound free to me
But what am I giving up on?
saying you just cant do it anymore
i know you have fight in you but you are tired...physically and emotionally and I understand that
but I know there can be "freer" spaces when you arent living in fear and anxiety all the time
There are many, many moments when the certainly feels like the case, I just think it's not realistic to believe that my life is going to be any better than it is now. I'm not a pessimist but I am a realist. And I have to realistic about what I can do right now. And I've been awake for nearly 6 days. I'm at the emotional end of my rope. My friend Kelly said to me today "Good God, girl, you look like shit".. Yeah, no kidding!
you need sleep and it is not time to do this homework yet...seems too soon. so do what you have to to feel safe enough to sleep and go to sleep
And you see, this is when the stubborness in me comes out. I think to myself "I already gave this 5 days, I'm not giving up on this" and I did the same with the lexapro--once I begin, I can't quit until I've suceeded. It's in my blood, it's who I am. I don't give up on anything. I'll torture myself until the end!
I think you should just sleep and get the energy you need before you tackle anything else
I knew doing this would mean I wouldn't sleep. It was part of the package. There was a reason my psycologist said "good luck" on the way out of the office. He knew this was going to be hard. I accepted this part as part of getting better. I'm in a catch 22. He called me back by the way (after I canceled) and convinced me to come back (oy vey), so I'll be there on Wed--kicking a screaming--but there.
thats my girl
you love to kick and scream and then you settle in
love that qulity about you and I can let you do it and then I know we will get you to a place of feeling ok
but I truly believe if it is too soon then it is and that doesn not mean failure it only means new timeline around it
you jsut started meds that was huge
I don't want to give up on this! But my body just feels like caving in.
maye this should wait a month or more
I hallucinated a dog running in front of my car this morning. Someone nearly rear-ended me--screaching tires and everything. I nearlyhad a heart attack and cried all the way home. This is no way to live, but seeing a way out doesn't seem like a realistic possibility either. What the hell happened to me? I think I ask myself that almost every 5 minutes. I'm so confused about who I am, what I'm supposed to be, what my future holds, and when I think about it, the only crime I ever commited was the fact that I was born, and I didn't even chose that for myself. I'm so confused!
you need sleep...there wont be any clarity on anything until you sleep.
And so here is my problem: Sleeping means I get up to check to make sure everything is ok, while hearing my shrinks voice in my head "you choose to get up, so choose not to", or giving up on the last 5 torturous days, and have to start over and feel like I failed at trying to conquer this one thing. I don't want to fail...I hate failing, and that is what it will feel like to me.
check away..you need to sleep
nothing else to think about now...only whatever brings you sleep
This is not the way I planned it. I was going to spend this week getting one small thing off my plate. This is makes me insanely sad. It really, really does. I did this to myself for nothing.
not for nothing...we learned that you need a bit more time
stop with the self hate
and you need to tell doc about that on wednesday!
I'm not sure what else to say.
I'm just really, really disappointed.
when we dont sleep everything feels so much worse so it is okay. please do what you need to to get some sleep. check until you feel safe and then get some zzzz's
I have to think about it.
but this beating yourself up doesnt help...it hurts you more...thats my two cents
I'm not beating myself up, I'm trying to move forward--make progress. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I never do anything half-ass, I do it all the way, or not at all. I'm very hard on myself because I've wanted to be the best I could be in everything I did and do. I'm trying to decide what is best in this moment and reflect on all the hours I stared out in space this week waiting for someone to kill me. Of course, no one ever came, and no probably ever will, but still, I stressed about it, and I tried to overcome it, but couldn't. I need to figure out what comes next.
all i am saying is that if you take a night off and do what you need to in order to sleep that isnt failure
Everything will be ok. I always recover. I'm fearful on the inside but fearless on the outside. I hope this is just part of the process. Good days, bad days and everything in between. I'm trying SO HARD to have a positive attitude but jeez, this is killing me! Part of me wants to give up but the stubborness in me won't let me.
well then I root for stubbornness all the way
and that part probably won't let me sleep tonight.
The good with the bad.
at some point your body will just take over and you will sleep and you will wake up having done it
Yeah, that scares me.
This is seriously screwed up, isn't it?
no it actually isnt....very normal for what you have been through
People have been through much worse.
i am only interested in you
Thank you, but I'm just not sure what to do! I feel like no answer is the right one. I feel like I have no one in my life that understands me. I feel guilty that I can't just get over it. I'm not even sure that what happened to me is a big deal. It is something bad that happened or just a "Check list" of childhood events that happens to a lot of people? I have to perspective. I have no one to ask: Is this normal?
how do you know?
Everyone has a rough childhood.
Everyone has bad things happen to them. Maybe I'm just like everyone else.
cause I know and I am asking you to trust me
and that's it?
everyone has tough stuff but you have had terrifying experiences that have had life long consequnces
I'm shaking my head in disgust. I don't think what happened to me is any different than other bad things that have happened to other people. And maybe my reaction is something I have control over. I still have not lost faith in the fact that I can overcome all this crap!
and yes sometimes it is just thats it...a little trust and support goe s along way, but as you know there are no shortcuts
Maybe I can still do it on my own.
you cant take it in that it was really bad because you feel bad about not overcoming it differently
I just have to think about this---I have to figure this out in my own head. I have to make a decision about what to do next. Ugh, I feel so messed up.
you are doing just fine...I promise.
I am always honest with you
I'm afarid I'll make the wrong decision.
being mindful about what you need is never the wrong decision
That's the thing. I'm not sure what I need.
you need to feel better and you are doing everything to achieve that
I'm already taking meds and that seems to be helping. But I'm so scared Jen! I'm scared to be awake, scared to go to sleep, and trying to pick the lesser of the two evils. I'm trying to be a coherant mother, a caring wife, a good friend. I'm trying to live a life that I have to live day to day, while being consumed by all these crazy thoughts, nightmares, headaches and insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding it together by a thread and I'm just scared.
I know you are and that is why i am here to support you and get you through these moments as best I can. you are not alone.
I'll let you go now.
I am here as you know. sorry I want online earlier when you fist reached out but you know I will always get to you when I am back on.
It's no problem, I totally understand. Have a good night.
please rest easy.
it is al okay
The best of luck always. you can do this.
Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach