I'm at a loss on what to say. Im not sure what to do anymore. What I knew when I started this whole process was that I needed help. I sought out that help (although very reluctantly). I've been battleing feeling guilty about it since I started. It doesn't make sense, but nothing about this does. I went and I tried to be as honest as I could, although I admit, I've hidden more than I've shared. My father used to say that I was a bull in a china shop with no escape route--destroying everything in my path--my own worst enemy. My mother used to say that my mouth was going to get my ass kicked someday. The bull in me has gotten me to my life as it is now. As dyfunctional as it seems at times, I'm thankful everyday for how good it is, as it could be so much worse. I've always seen my life with a silver lining, I always smile and I always laugh. If there was a way to convince my mind that all is well, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I sort of equate this with being diagnosed with a terminal illness. You can get treatment, you can try experiemental medications, you can can pray...but maybe in the end you were just meant not to make it no matter what. I look at this like my new reality, and I must adapt. And that's all there is to it.

Don't be sad.

This is just part of the process of exceptance.

You know, "free" is such a subjective word.

Maybe this is free.

Maybe this is as good as it's supposed to be.

But what am I giving up on?

There are many, many moments when the certainly feels like the case, I just think it's not realistic to believe that my life is going to be any better than it is now. I'm not a pessimist but I am a realist. And I have to realistic about what I can do right now. And I've been awake for nearly 6 days. I'm at the emotional end of my rope. My friend Kelly said to me today "Good God, girl, you look like shit".. Yeah, no kidding!

And you see, this is when the stubborness in me comes out. I think to myself "I already gave this 5 days, I'm not giving up on this" and I did the same with the lexapro--once I begin, I can't quit until I've suceeded. It's in my blood, it's who I am. I don't give up on anything. I'll torture myself until the end!

I knew doing this would mean I wouldn't sleep. It was part of the package. There was a reason my psycologist said "good luck" on the way out of the office. He knew this was going to be hard. I accepted this part as part of getting better. I'm in a catch 22. He called me back by the way (after I canceled) and convinced me to come back (oy vey), so I'll be there on Wed--kicking a screaming--but there.

I don't want to give up on this! But my body just feels like caving in.

I hallucinated a dog running in front of my car this morning. Someone nearly rear-ended me--screaching tires and everything. I nearlyhad a heart attack and cried all the way home. This is no way to live, but seeing a way out doesn't seem like a realistic possibility either. What the hell happened to me? I think I ask myself that almost every 5 minutes. I'm so confused about who I am, what I'm supposed to be, what my future holds, and when I think about it, the only crime I ever commited was the fact that I was born, and I didn't even chose that for myself. I'm so confused!

And so here is my problem: Sleeping means I get up to check to make sure everything is ok, while hearing my shrinks voice in my head "you choose to get up, so choose not to", or giving up on the last 5 torturous days, and have to start over and feel like I failed at trying to conquer this one thing. I don't want to fail...I hate failing, and that is what it will feel like to me.

This is not the way I planned it. I was going to spend this week getting one small thing off my plate. This is makes me insanely sad. It really, really does. I did this to myself for nothing.

I'm not sure what else to say.

I'm just really, really disappointed.

I have to think about it.

I'm not beating myself up, I'm trying to move forward--make progress. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I never do anything half-ass, I do it all the way, or not at all. I'm very hard on myself because I've wanted to be the best I could be in everything I did and do. I'm trying to decide what is best in this moment and reflect on all the hours I stared out in space this week waiting for someone to kill me. Of course, no one ever came, and no probably ever will, but still, I stressed about it, and I tried to overcome it, but couldn't. I need to figure out what comes next.

Everything will be ok. I always recover. I'm fearful on the inside but fearless on the outside. I hope this is just part of the process. Good days, bad days and everything in between. I'm trying SO HARD to have a positive attitude but jeez, this is killing me! Part of me wants to give up but the stubborness in me won't let me.

and that part probably won't let me sleep tonight.

The good with the bad.

Yeah, that scares me.

This is seriously screwed up, isn't it?

People have been through much worse.

Thank you, but I'm just not sure what to do! I feel like no answer is the right one. I feel like I have no one in my life that understands me. I feel guilty that I can't just get over it. I'm not even sure that what happened to me is a big deal. It is something bad that happened or just a "Check list" of childhood events that happens to a lot of people? I have to perspective. I have no one to ask: Is this normal?

how do you know?

Everyone has a rough childhood.

Everyone has bad things happen to them. Maybe I'm just like everyone else.

and that's it?

I'm shaking my head in disgust. I don't think what happened to me is any different than other bad things that have happened to other people. And maybe my reaction is something I have control over. I still have not lost faith in the fact that I can overcome all this crap!

Maybe I can still do it on my own.

I just have to think about this---I have to figure this out in my own head. I have to make a decision about what to do next. Ugh, I feel so messed up.

I'm afarid I'll make the wrong decision.

That's the thing. I'm not sure what I need.

I'm already taking meds and that seems to be helping. But I'm so scared Jen! I'm scared to be awake, scared to go to sleep, and trying to pick the lesser of the two evils. I'm trying to be a coherant mother, a caring wife, a good friend. I'm trying to live a life that I have to live day to day, while being consumed by all these crazy thoughts, nightmares, headaches and insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding it together by a thread and I'm just scared.

Thank you.

I'll let you go now.

It's no problem, I totally understand. Have a good night.