I have horrible feelings of inadequacy, patheticness. Stupidity for my connection with D in the first place. Why couldn't I have had some insight, why couldn't I see around the corner? And I was wordless, more so than ever. I wouldn't take part, just stood like a fool with my lips clamped shut, wanting to hide behind my hand, wanting to sit down again and make myself smaller, touch my rabbit, but she wanted me to stand up tall, feet firmly on the ground; wanting it all to stop so I could be released.
I wrote in my email to her that she read before we started that I had cut. (not last few days) I asked her not to ask me about it. I knew when she got to that bit bc she said 'oh H****y' with a sad
voice. She didn't ask me, but she understood why I was feeling overwhelmed by everything over the week.
Today I am feeling confused, thinking about the Social workers words about my perception being inaccurate. I am having moments of huge self doubt that what I am seeing and feeling isn't real, but Adele keeps talking about D as if he IS unreal, I mean out of this world, by what I tell her he says, does, doesn't do, his behaviour etc. I don't think I would have made things up, it's just an accumulation of 20 years worth of stuff squashed together and so it seems big, and I suppose as I have lived with it all spread out it has gone by almost unnoticed, until now when I try to piece everything togethre and it gets magnified. If I was to tell it all to D he would say no, I'm not like that, I have helped with the children, I have earned some money, I haven't been abusive all the time etc
So much more..... but I am so so tired. And I'm going down with a virus. Lucky me
Thank you for talking, I wish I didn't have to go :(