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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Morning Kate........................................

Customer Question

Morning Kate........................................
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
I think I did this backwards...... :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,
just want to touch you for a minute or two, feel close and comforted.

I've been feeling wretched today, had an upset with Sam at first light, he missed the bus, he was angry at himself really, but I got the sharp end of it as I chased the bus along the lanes. And upset with P too, late for her violin lesson, no practice again. I couldn't go in with her to her lesson, sat outside, read an RE revision guide I found, heading euthanasia and suicide.

I had a grim drive to AA's from school, could think of nothing but welcome death.

I see K in half an hour. I'm too too tired. I have emailed her my conversations with D over the last few days so I won't have to struggle to remember. My mind is blank for tonight. I don't know where I'll go.

Back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

You sound very down and I am concerned that you are ok. Things are difficult and overwhelming now, I understand. And death may sound very peaceful. But what you are doing with your marriage is worth it. Try not to turn it in on yourself. Dave has put on a good campaign lately to make you feel at fault for everything. And right now, you are listening to it. Shut it off! Don't let it in. It's his way of controlling you. Don't let him win.

 

Try doing some good things for yourself. What would make you happy right now? Something that would not take much effort. Just something small and something to look forward to. I can help you find something if you have trouble.

 

Also, start making some plans to get Dave out. Even if it costs you, it may be worth it. He is preying on your emotional health and making you feel horrible. He wants you to back down and give in. Taking action, any kind of action, will help you combat that feeling.

 

And lean on everyone you can. Get all your troops around you to support you while you deal with this extra stress. I'm here for you anytime. Tell K how you feel. She can help you find ways to change how you are thinking and feel better. And if you feel like hurting yourself, please let me know. I want to be here for you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

I was thinking earlier what is the point of cutting, it doesn't get me anywhere, I don't gain from it, not really. I didn't know what to do with myself, my day has been long and tedious, Alexis her childish self wanting my attention all the time, talking talking, rubbish, I couldn't get away, I needed quiet.

I'm just OK. Thank you for talking to me, you are so important, my tears are for the comfort you give me. I will ring my attorney tomorrow, I need some direction with this.

Talking to you is all I need for this moment in time. I need to shut my eyes for 8 minutes before K calls. D is going to be home, but I don't have the energy to go next door and try to keep warm. I'll have to talk in a whisper!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good for you. You talked yourself out of cutting, which means you are doing better than you think. You are doing great. It takes such strength to do what you did. I am happy for you!

 

Finding direction will give you that focus and power you need to overcome the destructive messages Dave is trying to use to control you. Calling your attorney tomorrow is a great step.

 

Have a good session with K!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

it was a very muddly session with K, I'm not sure what I achieved, I'm so glad I sent her my jottings (from my posts to you :)), she was able to begin the session with her feedback, I always like to have her talk me in, it settles me down and I can feel more comfortable. I wish I could talk in private, both Poppy and D have spoken to me about something I said to K. Poppy was in her room with her door open, but I'm amazed she heard. D came straight down once I finished and went into a monologue about the cash he'd given me, and waved a cheque in my face that he'd got today, followed by other remarks about his work and income, which was quite out of place for that time of night.

My least good day of the week is through, I wish I didn't feel like this about Tuesdays. I guess it's bc I have no space for myself to rest, bar an hour before I speak to K.

Goodnight Kate, thank you for never failing me,

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you're welcome :)

 

It's awful you don't have privacy for your time with K! That makes it very hard to express what you truly feel. But I'm glad she is there to give you support and help you through.

 

Good night, Rose. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi Kate,

just saying hello. my head is too empty for a sensible post, my mind and body is totally drained. there is stuff i want to talk to you about, but it will have to wait.

i emailed my lawyer, too afraid to ring today. no reply. maybe i'll ring tomorrow. d and i haven't spoken today. fun.

hope you are ok. :)

rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey Rose- I like hearing from you :)

 

Whenever you feel ready to talk, I'm here.

 

I hope you do hear back from your lawyer. It's odd that he has not contacted you from all the times you have tried to reach him. I hope all is well and he doesn't give you trouble.

 

I'm thinking of you,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX thoughts. I have been trying to rest since I last posted, but my body and mind are very unsettled. I had to take a diazepam to calm me, I was feeling unbearable, desperate for peace.
Today Sam wouldn't get up for college, he spent the morning in bed, I was very upset, he has had company, and been smoking cannabis almost every night for several weeks now. I have lost so much control by not coping in the evenings, just needing my room, and D is just a waste of space, he more than likely joins him, but I don't know that. Sam's exams start in a week, I guess I should let him make his own mistakes, but that's why he failed everything last year. Today I was even thinking that I would take Poppy and leave, Sam could stay here with D, I really can't do the stress he is giving me. Will try to talk tomorrow. I need to talk, am feeling real bed. I've tried to email Adele, but her email address is bouncing them back. I see her tomorrow.

Goodnight Kate. I miss talking

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I'm sorry that things are going so poorly. It sounds like Sam is having a tough time of it. Drug use is not a good sign and it seems Dave has had an influence on how Sam copes with his stress. Do you feel Sam would accept help for his drug use? It may be good to try to introduce it to him to see his reaction.

 

I know that the last thing you need right now is more stress through Sam acting out. It may help to just take one step at a time. Deciding if it is more helpful to you to deal with Dave first then Sam, or vice versa. Part of the solution can be to decide what steps you want to take next in resolving some of the situation you are in. It may feel overwhelming to look at the whole problem, but we can break it down and take steps to allow you to feel like you have some control and that you can progress.

 

This is a lot of stress on you, Rose. You are acting as a single parent here, and coping with the children and all their needs and you are dealing with Dave, who is abusive and not responsible. What do you feel would help you most? You mentioned taking some medication to calm yourself, so you are feeling so stressed that you don't feel you can cope. That means we need to come up with ways that you can use to calm yourself, without having to take medication. How about some of these ideas:

 

Call in all your supports. Seeing Adele tomorrow will help a lot. When you see her, try to find out why her emails won't work (I know you'll do this anyway :) ) and tell her how important it is that you have a way to talk with her in between sessions.

 

Try K if you feel ok doing that. Let her know that you are looking for ways to calm yourself and focus on progress.

 

Listen to your tapes, and practice your progressive relaxation and breath. Sometimes in all the stress, it is hard to remember to take deep breaths.

 

Accept that this is a rough patch and that you will get through. It is awful to cope with, but it will pass.

 

Talk and talk some more about how you feel. The more you express your feelings, the less burdened you will be.

 

Be sure you are nurturing yourself. Don't forget that in taking care of others, you need time too. Plan something nice for yourself each day if you can.

 

Don't lose hope. You have come so far and you can see this through. Try not to listen to anything negative, especially from Dave. He is insignificant anymore in your life. He is on his way out. He is not your source of self esteem, you are. You are a wonderful person that is giving, strong and compassionate. Repeat that to yourself as much as you can.

 

I'll be here tomorrow Rose so if you feel up to talking we can spend some time together.

 

Just to let you know, I will be away from my computer from this Sunday May 13th to Wednesday May 16th. I will try to check in, but I'm not sure I'll have access to internet (out of town trip). I didn't want you to write and not be able to get a quick answer. I may not be on at all on the 15th. It's a special day (wink, wink!) and I may be busy all day. But I will try to check in at least once on the other days. I want to talk with you and I'd miss you if I couldn't :(

 

Talk to you tomorrow,

 

Katex

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

Sam gets really upset when I mention the drugs, he doesn't want me to talk about them in any way. He knew I wouldn't be happy about it, and he tried to tell me he wasn't smoking it, it was just his friends, but I'm not daft, it is obvious. There was a little packet in his bedroom when I called him yesterday morning, he just hid under his covers when I drew attention to it. I don't think he will be receptive to any further input just yet, but I am driving him to town tomorrow, so I'll see how calm he is in the morning.

You're right, the big picture is too too much, I need little snapshots, a bit at a time. I think I need to deal with D first, I have maybe potentially more control, but only insofar as the lawyer can get proceedings underway. I worry about the occupancy order, it feels too aggressive, and I hope I can start the divorce process first, and see what happens, with the occupancy order as a backup.

I did feel that I couldn't cope last night, the medication was taken in desperation, and with little thought to alternatives. When you talked about K's hypnotherapy recording, I thought how did I not think of that? I feel reluctant to email K, silly of me, I know she wants me to, but I don't want to get in a muddle with her again.

I'm meeting with Linda for lunch tomorrow. I will try to talk to her, she will be a gentle ear for me, and is very empathetic.

Hey, your special day ;) ;) Thanks for sharing. It sounds really exciting to be going away for a few days to celebrate. Are the kids going too? I believe it's Mother's Day on Sunday? I'll try not to write too much while you're away, you need a break, you work long hours!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like Sam may be in denial about his drug use. That means talking to him about it is going to be difficult. He is going to try to avoid any discussion because it bothers him to look at it. He probably knows in the back of his mind that this isn't right. Plus he is following in Dave's footsteps, probably something he is not proud of but he may know of no other way to cope.

 

You can help Sam by monitoring his drug use. He may not like it, but if you stop talking about it, he may take that as permission to continue. Also, speak to him about his use and why he does it. The more you bring it out in the open, the less reason he has to deny it. Also, check his room and belongings for drugs. If you see them, throw them out. Tell him that as long as he uses, you will not maintain his privacy.

 

It is going to be difficult to enforce a no drug policy if Dave is in the home using as well. But you can tell Sam that one of the reasons you and Dave are having these problems is because of his use of alcohol and drugs. Explain that it makes Dave lose his judgment. And point out examples of things he is aware of, like how Dave acts badly when he is using.

 

Most of all, try to encourage Sam to get help. He needs to follow through with appointments and his counselor needs to know he is using. The less of a secret it is, the better for Sam. That way, he can't hide it anymore.

 

I understand that you want to be less aggressive with Dave to start off with. He probably will not leave even if you divorce him, however, because there is nothing making him go. Dave probably believes that if he doesn't address the problem, then it will go away. And leaving means he will have to support himself, something that terrifies him. He wants the free ride and will do what he can to protect it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try what feels comfortable for you, but just so you are prepared that he may not budge at all.

 

Let me know how it goes with Linda tomorrow. And if you contact K too.

 

Yep, kids are all going with me on my trip. It'll be fun to getaway. But please don't feel you can't write. I just wanted you to know in case you write and I didn't respond quickly. I am planning on checking in during the morning then again at night. I am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX place has internet! If not, I'll have to find a hot spot. Groan..... :)

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5506
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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