That sounds like a good plan. We can talk out some of the feelings that you have had with you all week and try to get some of them identified so when you go to therapy you can spend more time working on your story and making some progress there. What do you feel is the strongest emotion you have now? Or do you feel you are in touch with any feelings? Repressing them can sometimes make you feel removed from any emotion at all.
You don't frustrate me, Shay! The process is not an easy one but if you don't hit a few bumps in the road, you aren't working it right.
I'm going to get some rest so I will talk with you tomorrow.
Have a good night!
When you started your post, you said that you didn't actually have any feelings. But in actuality you have a lot hanging over you! That is a lot you were carrying with you all last week.
You're right, nobody can make you worthless. But that does not mean that the attack did not bring out those feelings for you. After all, that was the intention those guys had. They feel that way about themselves, so they had to find someone that they could make feel at least as bad as they do, so they could feel better. They intended to do what they could to demean you so they could feel superior. The way you feel as a result is because that was the point of the attack.
Sex was the tool they used, and what they took from you so they could feel superior. It is the one weapon men have against women. It dominates, controls and humiliates. It's an invasion of your body and it's a way to make you give and take away choice. They used their strength to force you. They gave you one choice only- severe pain or do what they say. Not really a choice. But how you feel as a result is a normal response.
It may help you to see them for what they are. No one does something like this to another human being without being mentally ill. It is one thing to have a mental disorder and deal with it on your own. But to have such thoughts that you have to go out and hurt someone to the point of threatening their lives is something else entirely. It's mental illness combined with criminal acts. When I worked in the State Hospital, there was a special building for people like the guys that attacked you. They kept them separate because of the severity of their issues. These are not the kind of people who have any compassion or care for anything but getting their own needs met. They are so hurt inside that they may not be able to get help because they have lost their humanity.
It is ok to feel resentment, anger and deep pain about what you went through. It is also ok to feel the humiliation and worthlessness. It would be almost impossible not to since that it what they intended to make you feel. But there are some things they did not take from you. Even through what they did, you still completed your schooling. You still have a career. And you have deep and meaningful relationships. It may not be the relationships you envisioned when you were young, but the relationships are still more meaningful than they will ever have with anyone. All the things you do have are things they will never have. If they are not already in jail or dead, they are out there still in pain looking for ways to hurt someone and make them pay for the pain they have. They can't get married, have kids and care about their own cat. They do not have successful careers. They do not have peace in their lives. And they do not have compassion. For if they did, they would have such guilt from what they did to you, they would have to do something about it to live with themselves.
I hope you didn't have any nightmares last night and that you slept well.