Kate: I know there will be bumps in this process, but I also know it must be frustrating for you sometimes. Goodness knows I was frustrated as all get out last week. :). You're just not allowed to admit it, I guess.
I am not feeling any actual feelings right now, it does not seem. But I can feel the pressure of things hanging there. I felt more intense Tuesday evening, and I guess Wednesday, too, than I have in a while.
I guess the thing most impressin me right now is thinking back to when I was telling things to Linda last night and realizing how they treated me like I was worthless and that I actually felt of little value while it was going on. I mean, I think. Or is it that when I was telling it I just felt like for that time I was sans much value. I'm not sure which. But that's the first time I had this realization at all - or at least that I felt the impact of it. It was intense for me. I don't know why. It kind of cut me. In fact, it's getting me kind of worked up now.
I know we discussed this. I do know that nobody can make me something other than me. And nobody can make me worthless. (for once you were telling me to go with my thoughts, not my feelings). But for a period of time, it didn't matter who I was, what I wanted or didn't want, whether I wanted to live or die, whether I was in immense pain - nothing about me mattered to them, I seemed, except in the context of how they could benefit from me. It didn't change me, I know. But it changes the way I see myself. I don't see myself as someone who can be treated and used like I'm nothing. But that wasn't true. It kills me to know that I was theirs, even for a few hours. And that thu have been part of me since. I know it's not about sex, but that was important to me. Maybe I don't have the right to complain about it because I had willingly given my virginity to my HS boyfriend, but I didn't want to share that with anyone else, and I did
things I never did with my HS boyfriend. An the things I said and the way I acted like I wante it and liked it weren't even ways I acted when I was doing it willingly. I would have liked to have shared that with someone I loved, and passionately. Not act like I wanted things from them as payment for avoiding pain. And maybe I'm resentful because I haven't had any experiences since then, too. I have needed to protect what I have left. And I've probably gone to the extreme. But that's really a separate issue.
They took some things from me. I don't know if that was their intent, but the fact that the mean one took so much pleasure out of making me humiliate myself, and considering the mean one foresaw that I wouldn't be able to have sex with anyone else. I don't know if they still feel like they have what they took. Probably not. They probably don't even remember that night. But I feel like they sti have what they took. (I thinkable that's why it really bothers me to think that they took so much of my blood with them when, in reality, that doesnt matter at all. It makes no difference of it was on them, of it was on the ground, or of it was on my clothes). Something else that goes along with this is that I'm sure they don't even remember it and it was nothing to them. That shows even less value. They probably would care if their cat got hit by a car, but don't care now, and actually enjoyed at the time, what they did to me. Wht do they think happened to me? The other one knew I was still around a few years later because I saw him. But wht if I hadn't repressed my feelings? I don't know if I could have handled them. And if my parents had been involved, it would have been worse. Add
to that te fact that I probably would not have graduated that year and flowed my law school plan. I don't know if I could have continued on. And it would have meant nothing to them.
It's not really fair, I know, for me to lump both of them together. It was really the mean one. But the other one probably should have left or helped me, I think. He knew what was going on was wrong.
Okay ... I've gone beyond what I even was talking about on Tuesday night with Linda. Once I started thinking about this again, it just is kind of spraying out. ... I need to stop. I'm going to give myself a nightmare
But these are things I am feeling/was feeling and that I felt like I need to process in some way, because this is really bothersome and if I don't take care of it, I don't know if I can move forward as I should.
Good night, Kate. Talk to you tomorrow.