Kate: I would like to work on processing my feelings from during/after my last therapy session. So I can maybe relieve some of this internal pressure I think is from my feelings hanging over me. But I dont want to frustrate you and I don't know how to even start. I need some guidance. ??S
That sounds like a good plan. We can talk out some of the feelings that you have had with you all week and try to get some of them identified so when you go to therapy you can spend more time working on your story and making some progress there. What do you feel is the strongest emotion you have now? Or do you feel you are in touch with any feelings? Repressing them can sometimes make you feel removed from any emotion at all.
You don't frustrate me, Shay! The process is not an easy one but if you don't hit a few bumps in the road, you aren't working it right.
I'm going to get some rest so I will talk with you tomorrow.
Have a good night!
Kate: I know there will be bumps in this process, but I also know it must be frustrating for you sometimes. Goodness knows I was frustrated as all get out last week. :). You're just not allowed to admit it, I guess. I am not feeling any actual feelings right now, it does not seem. But I can feel the pressure of things hanging there. I felt more intense Tuesday evening, and I guess Wednesday, too, than I have in a while. I guess the thing most impressin me right now is thinking back to when I was telling things to Linda last night and realizing how they treated me like I was worthless and that I actually felt of little value while it was going on. I mean, I think. Or is it that when I was telling it I just felt like for that time I was sans much value. I'm not sure which. But that's the first time I had this realization at all - or at least that I felt the impact of it. It was intense for me. I don't know why. It kind of cut me. In fact, it's getting me kind of worked up now. I know we discussed this. I do know that nobody can make me something other than me. And nobody can make me worthless. (for once you were telling me to go with my thoughts, not my feelings). But for a period of time, it didn't matter who I was, what I wanted or didn't want, whether I wanted to live or die, whether I was in immense pain - nothing about me mattered to them, I seemed, except in the context of how they could benefit from me. It didn't change me, I know. But it changes the way I see myself. I don't see myself as someone who can be treated and used like I'm nothing. But that wasn't true. It kills me to know that I was theirs, even for a few hours. And that thu have been part of me since. I know it's not about sex, but that was important to me. Maybe I don't have the right to complain about it because I had willingly given my virginity to my HS boyfriend, but I didn't want to share that with anyone else, and I did things I never did with my HS boyfriend. An the things I said and the way I acted like I wante it and liked it weren't even ways I acted when I was doing it willingly. I would have liked to have shared that with someone I loved, and passionately. Not act like I wanted things from them as payment for avoiding pain. And maybe I'm resentful because I haven't had any experiences since then, too. I have needed to protect what I have left. And I've probably gone to the extreme. But that's really a separate issue. They took some things from me. I don't know if that was their intent, but the fact that the mean one took so much pleasure out of making me humiliate myself, and considering the mean one foresaw that I wouldn't be able to have sex with anyone else. I don't know if they still feel like they have what they took. Probably not. They probably don't even remember that night. But I feel like they sti have what they took. (I thinkable that's why it really bothers me to think that they took so much of my blood with them when, in reality, that doesnt matter at all. It makes no difference of it was on them, of it was on the ground, or of it was on my clothes). Something else that goes along with this is that I'm sure they don't even remember it and it was nothing to them. That shows even less value. They probably would care if their cat got hit by a car, but don't care now, and actually enjoyed at the time, what they did to me. Wht do they think happened to me? The other one knew I was still around a few years later because I saw him. But wht if I hadn't repressed my feelings? I don't know if I could have handled them. And if my parents had been involved, it would have been worse. Add to that te fact that I probably would not have graduated that year and flowed my law school plan. I don't know if I could have continued on. And it would have meant nothing to them. It's not really fair, I know, for me to lump both of them together. It was really the mean one. But the other one probably should have left or helped me, I think. He knew what was going on was wrong. Okay ... I've gone beyond what I even was talking about on Tuesday night with Linda. Once I started thinking about this again, it just is kind of spraying out. ... I need to stop. I'm going to give myself a nightmare. But these are things I am feeling/was feeling and that I felt like I need to process in some way, because this is really bothersome and if I don't take care of it, I don't know if I can move forward as I should. Good night, Kate. Talk to you tomorrow. S
When you started your post, you said that you didn't actually have any feelings. But in actuality you have a lot hanging over you! That is a lot you were carrying with you all last week.
You're right, nobody can make you worthless. But that does not mean that the attack did not bring out those feelings for you. After all, that was the intention those guys had. They feel that way about themselves, so they had to find someone that they could make feel at least as bad as they do, so they could feel better. They intended to do what they could to demean you so they could feel superior. The way you feel as a result is because that was the point of the attack.
Sex was the tool they used, and what they took from you so they could feel superior. It is the one weapon men have against women. It dominates, controls and humiliates. It's an invasion of your body and it's a way to make you give and take away choice. They used their strength to force you. They gave you one choice only- severe pain or do what they say. Not really a choice. But how you feel as a result is a normal response.
It may help you to see them for what they are. No one does something like this to another human being without being mentally ill. It is one thing to have a mental disorder and deal with it on your own. But to have such thoughts that you have to go out and hurt someone to the point of threatening their lives is something else entirely. It's mental illness combined with criminal acts. When I worked in the State Hospital, there was a special building for people like the guys that attacked you. They kept them separate because of the severity of their issues. These are not the kind of people who have any compassion or care for anything but getting their own needs met. They are so hurt inside that they may not be able to get help because they have lost their humanity.
It is ok to feel resentment, anger and deep pain about what you went through. It is also ok to feel the humiliation and worthlessness. It would be almost impossible not to since that it what they intended to make you feel. But there are some things they did not take from you. Even through what they did, you still completed your schooling. You still have a career. And you have deep and meaningful relationships. It may not be the relationships you envisioned when you were young, but the relationships are still more meaningful than they will ever have with anyone. All the things you do have are things they will never have. If they are not already in jail or dead, they are out there still in pain looking for ways to hurt someone and make them pay for the pain they have. They can't get married, have kids and care about their own cat. They do not have successful careers. They do not have peace in their lives. And they do not have compassion. For if they did, they would have such guilt from what they did to you, they would have to do something about it to live with themselves.
I hope you didn't have any nightmares last night and that you slept well.
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.