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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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my husband is jealous of my parents and mistreats me and them

Customer Question

my husband is jealous of my parents and mistreats me and them when they are around and you couldn't ask for nicer people. he is intenionally doing things to upset me and get a reaction out of jealousy...this is by far not the first time in our relationship he has done this. he won't admit to it and often turns it around like it is me and my family when it is not. help. he is not being the leader, role model and best friend I thought I was marrying. what do you suggest? he is just like his father... who treats his wife like a dog. I am a beautiful, successful, educated woman with 2 kids and raising his daughter 12 as well. Help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! I hope to be of some assistance to you... I am sorry that you are facing this tough dilemma right now. It sounds as if his insecurity is being taken out on you and your family, and you don't deserve to be the victim of his issues.

Heidi LPC :

They say that when people show us who they are, we should believe them. Also, behavior is an important guage to read when dealing with someone who you are in a partnership with. He may have grand intentions and a good heart, but unless the behavior is acceptable and consistent with his intentions, it matters not a bit. "You are only a doormat as long as you lay there", I once heard. It may be time to get up and reconnect with your power, and stop tolerating any of this unacceptable treatment.

Heidi LPC :

Your observation about his father is very telling; we absorb the beliefs and behaviors of our parents in a huge amount. They teach us how to treat others. A lot of this is done unconsciously and is just innate; with work, we can overcome the recordings on these tapes... but we have to want to. Only you know if he is defending his behavior as appropriate and if he is unwilling to consider your viewpoint and feelings, or if he truly cares and wants to be able to compromise and work the issue through. Sadly, the only person we can ever change is ourselves... and if the person we are involved with has become a stranger who you no longer recognize, getting some help can be useful... but, if you've tried this to no avail, it just may be that the relationship is unequal and unhealthy for you both.

Heidi LPC :

Do you think it is past the point of help?

Heidi LPC :

I see that you are typing... I will wait for your reply! :-)

Customer:

I have pulled back from him and not 'reacting' which is what he is wanting me to do. At some point we will talk and I just don't have much faith that he will see what he is doing or admit to it. I do think deep down he doesn't feel good enough or insecure. When we do talk I would like to know what do say so that he understands the seriousness of the situation. I do not want to get divorced as we have small children and I do not want to put them through that. As my stepdaughter said to me this morning... when my parents are here (her step parents) he is really nice but when they come he acts like a jerk. It is very obvious.. He is not very close with his family and we are with mine so it may be that he can't handle that. His family mistreats me and he won't stand up for me... It's a mess... I am holding my ground... I am not crying, staying positive and happy for the kids but inside it hurts so much. That is what he wants which is sick to me...where do I go from here when we finally do talk? how do I communicate what boundaries I should have? what should my boundaries be... so hard to put all these feelings in to words.

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Opps hit the accept button instead of reply... still there?

 

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I am!!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your response. I left him one other time when my parents were visiting from out of town and he mistreated my mother...I packed my baby up and left with my parents. He came and got me and my parents and I agreed to meet him at the counselors to work it out. Needless to say the counselor was not very good and while my parents let it slide nothing was really resolved. I just don't want to end up divorced with kids and put them through that...What should I say about the fact he is not loyal to me and doesn't stand up to me to his family. In fact, he called his sister who he hasn't spoken with in months because she mistreated me the other day and was happy to let me know in front of my mom. I asked him if he said anything about what she did and how it was wrong and he said, no. He did this on purpose to hurt me for having a great family when he doesn't. What do I say in regards XX XXX standing up for me? I would stand up for him in a heartbeat if he was being mistreated...
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I would say that it is unacceptable to you to not have his support above all in regards XX XXX family. You can tell him that it hurts you, and that it makes you lose trust in him and in the fact that he can't be counted on by you to protect your interests. You want someone in your life who is emotionally mature enough to want to protect his wife and not to intentionally compete with or hurt her. Whatever you give attention to you will get more of. If he shows this behavior, turn away and back off. He has to feel the consequences of his actions in order to see the outcome of his choices. Stand firm and stand tall. You are on the right track, and he will have to decide to jump on board or he will lose something wonderful!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much... Since I already hit accept answer once did you already get paid? Please let me know so I make sure... I really appreciate your response. God is on our side and he is a Christian guy so we will be getting back in church this Sunday...Please keep us in your prayers. God can do amazing things.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Yes--- you have already paid, and thank you for accepting my answer! It will only get better with some work, but anything worth having is worth working for! You will get this figured out--- just put those boundaries in place, and be sure that he works on why he feels less than himself when they are around. You sound like a warm and caring person, and I wish you the best as you find resolution!! My very best to you all!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Just an update. We worked things out after putting up my boundaries. We have an happy happy home now, loving, supportive, head of the household... everything I hoped he would be. It was work but we did it together and have an very great marriage!!! One of the main reasons for our problems was the fact I was raising his daughter who had major problems and was causing major problems. After me saying I can't raise her anymore because she was hurting our other children we just took her to a psychiatrist who diagnosed her as bipolar. She was taken to the ER for cutting herself and suicidal thoughts... She is finally getting the help she needs, is no longer in our house to cause all of this tension and we are very close to her but now she lives at her mother's house. It was a hard decision but was tearing our family apart. Her mother was undoing everything we were trying to do so we had to let her go live with her. Her mother is also bipolar and impossible to deal with. Now that Katelyn, my stepdaughter is 13 she sees what is going on... She wants help, medication and her mother has been reported to Social Services twice now in the last couple of weeks. Anyhow.. just thought I would give you an update. We truly have a beautiful, loving, respectful marriage all while helping Katelyn at the same time....

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