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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I did have fun. And got a lot of new clothes and some

Customer Question

Kate: I did have fun. And got a lot of new clothes and some iron art sculptures for the yard. Very cool. It was a relaxing night. Quiet. Like quaint hotel with lots of gardens and birds. But I had a nightmare. Meds must be working because p never even noticed.

I think I may skip church again tomorrow. Just don't want to be around everyone. I think c misses me. He has emailed and texted and yesterday evening called to wish me a happy bday. Ordinarily he'd just text it or post on fb. But he said nothing about my coming back and is being understanding. P said when people have asked why I'm not around, he says that everyone need a break sometimes.

So .... Where do we go from here? I feel kind of lost in all this now ... No direction.

Hope you're having a good weekend so far!

Oh yeah .. You brought up a few times about my clients having to trust me, etc. the thing is (and perhaps one of the reasons I have trouble accepting the way communication in therapy works) my profession is almost opposite. People dont understand the law and how things work, but it's my job to tell them so they are totally informed, to give them their options, tell them what the consequences of each may be (all possible consequences), and tell them what I think they should do. Sometimes I don't favor one over another. In any event, it's always their choice. But if they don't trust me or won't do what I say and I think they are hurting themselves, then I will refer them to someone else. In my business, not only do I tell them wht they should do, I usually do what needs to be done. If I think something is going to hurt my client, if it is significant, I ethically can't continue to represent them. It's so different. Also, I always have to let my clients know what I am doing and what is going on and continuously give my opinion on how to proceed from point to point. Also, I frequently have to tell my clients they are not doing the right thing, not thinking about the right things, hurting their own case, or just being stupid. Nothing like therapy, I think.

S
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

I'm glad to hear that you had fun, Shay! It's nice to get out of your regular routine and enjoy your birthday somewhere else.

 

What was your nightmare about? Was it the same as the other ones, or different?

 

It's good you are taking care of yourself and taking a break from church. It sounds like C understands too, he just misses you like you said.

 

We can start where ever you want. How have you been feeling? Anything going on in therapy? Whatever is on your mind we can work with.

 

Thanks for the explanation about how you handle your clients. It is different!

 

My weekend has been busy! I did a lot of planting for Spring which I like doing. It's fun and very therapeutic (you knew I had to say that!).

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey Kate. Glad you enjoyed planting today! We went to a small dinner party at Debra an our pastor's house for Debra's 60th birthday that their 3 daughters threw. There were only about 4 couples plus p and I and their family and some kids. I like everyone there and there weren't so many people that it was overwhelming. It was nice.

The nightmare was prettyich the same. Not the whole thing. Just parts. I've had a few in the past week. But it's so much better than having them every night.

Nothing has gone on in therapy. I haven't seen Linda since tuesday and will see her again this coming tuesday. I'm not sure of I want to talk about next time with her - whether I want to talk about my feelings about what we talke about last time or just continue with the "story.". It will be shortly getting into the worse stuff. I don't know how, of I start feeling self-blame stuff, to set that aside to deal with separately. I don't understand how that's going to work. Do you know ?

I've been feeling agitated, but a lot of that was our discussions on Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I felt pretty intense about things from my session Tuesday, but the rest of the week I kind of ignored it. I am pretty fat away from any of those feelings now. I don't know what is on my mind. I just feel like stuff is hanging over me. I was really angry last week and I feel like that stopped me from making any progress, when I had felt like I had been making some decent headway before. I don't know. It's like it's nicer not to focus on it, but I know I need to and it's hanging there. Does that make sense? It's causing me to feel a lot of internal pressure.

My feelings were pretty strong Tuesday night, though.

It was weird spending almost 2 days at my old office. Especially knowing I'm going back there in a few moths. Just weird.

Another reason things are different in how I have to deal with clients an how you probably do is that the last thing I want is for my clients to look at things emotionally. The decisions I need them to make have to be rational and logical. Decisions like these made based on emotions generally are bad decisions. For instance, most of my clients, in litigation, think they are right. They might be or maybe not. Or maybe a mix. But first, being right doesn't necessarily mean being legally correct. Second, proving it may be another issue. Third, litigation is unpredictable. A judge (or jury) could decide anything on any given day, and appeals are always uphill. Fourth, they need to look at whether winning is reallyost beneficial. Spending $50,000 litigating a case for $30,000 makes no sense. Spending $50,000 to get a $1,000,000 judgment doesn't even make sense if the person you are suing has nothing from which you can collect. People are almos always sorry when they pursue things as a matter of principal. In suh cases, I try to continuously remind the client that it is not worth the money. They may say it is not about the money, but in the end, it usually is. Emotions do not allow people to make good legal decisions. Even when I did federal criminal defense, my clients needed to be rational and not emotional. That why I hated doing divorce work. Clients were too emotional and the decisions they made (especially when motivated by how hurt they were or angry at the other spouse) were almost always bad and usually we're self-defeating. And many times hurt any children. The best outcomes were had when the clients could set emotions aside I make legal decisions and the decisions were based on reason and logic and the well being I their children - not on howard or betrayed they felt. Emotions are counterproductive, generally, in my profession. That's not always true - I think it's okay to feel compassion for the other side or something, say in a foreclosure case. If I have to foreclose on someone's home, I do try to get my crank clients to have some compassion, but I still have to protect their interests. Fortunately, I don't do a lot of foreclosures and my bank clients are very willing to work with people. But, too, working stuff out is usually good for the banks as well.
That might be why the field of law is a good fit for me. On the other hand, I make emotional business decisions all the time. If I think I can help them, I will do it for free if they can't afford it. And I do a lot for free because I feel bad for people. But I know what I'm doing when I do it - I'm not being irrational, even when motivated sometimes by emotions. It is reasonable It's worth it, for instance, for me to give up a few thousand dollars in fees in exchange for someone not losing their home or being able to support their family. But that is different.

S

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Shay,

 

It sounds like you had a good time at the dinner party. It can make it a much nicer experience if there are only a few people there rather than a crowd. That way, you get to talk with everyone and get to know others better.

 

I am not sure how you will separate your self blame feelings from the rest of your feelings while talking about the attack. It's pretty much a package. All the feelings you have are in response to one incident so taking them apart and separating them is hard to do. You would sort of have to repress your natural response to what you are talking about. And self blame is a big part of surviving an attack so that is repressing a lot of emotion.

 

That doesn't mean I don't see Linda's point of view on this. I don't want to interfere with her goals on this by assuming anything, but it sounds like she might feel that since the self blame issue is bigger than the other feelings, that she may want to address it on it's own so you can get into it better. It might be good to ask her to see what she is thinking about this. And if you feel uncomfortable about it, let her know. There is no reason that I can think of that would keep her from working on the issue at the same time you address everything else.

 

It is nicer not to focus on your deeper emotions for a while. And if you keep moving forward with your progress, it can be part of a natural ebb and flow of working out your feelings. The thing to be cautious of is running into resistance. It is easy to back off working on your issues if you start to feel stronger emotions, like anger or emotional pain. That is a sign that you have reached a point where you are dealing with some of the deepest parts of your emotions and fear becomes an issue. When we are afraid in therapy (or at other times in our lives), anger can become a cover, a way to defend yourself. So when Linda gets closer to the deeper feelings, putting up a defense is natural. By becoming angry, it pushes the other feelings aside, but they don't go away. That may be why you feel your emotions are hanging over you. They are there needing to be dealt with. You are also anticipating seeing Linda and continuing your work on the attack. It's going to make it very present for you even if you have pulled away from it for the past week or so.

 

It sounds like your field is different! I imagine that if I needed to fight in court the last thing I would need is to base it on emotions. I don't think I would get what I need that way!

 

Talk to you soon,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5241
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Kate:

Should I ask Linda to talk about my feelings on what we talked about Tuesday or go forward in the "story"? Should I tell her that I am not sure I can separate out the self blame stuff and want to deal with it now? She told me before that she wanted to deal with them separately because they were "special.". I think she thinks she won't get too far in dealing with those so she wants to skip them for now. I feel like of those can be resolved (how, I'm not sure), then it would be a giant step and would make the other things easier to deal with. I'm tired of feeling bad and those are the thing that make me feel the worst. I don't know I they can go away. I think either maybe I can learn to view them differently or can accep my fault and forgive myself maybe(??) I feel like if they need to be dealt with separately, then they should be first. But I know she has really tried and maybe she just feels like we're going to get hung up for a long time. That also plays into the fact that I don't feel like she likes to stick with the same thing for a long time.

I agree with you about why I feel things are hanging over me. I don't think it's a normal ebb and flow. I think it's avoidance/resistance.

Glad I hasn't planne to go to church. Slept until 10 an have a headache, but it hasn't become a migraine-type. May just be from sleeping so long. Trying to get some laundry done before p gets home from church, which will make her happy.

S

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Shay, I would wait until Tuesday to see how you feel. It all depends what is most on your mind as to what you address. And two days is a while in terms of how much your feelings can change. Let's see how you feel then.

 

In my opinion, it would be hard to separate the self blame from the other feelings. It is just part of the experience. But Linda is the therapist so it's up to her how she approaches it. But that doesn't mean you can't tell her how you feel, and if you want to address it at the same time as the other feelings.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Okay. So - are we going to work on anything or do I need to wait to see what happens in therapy on Tuesday?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.
We can work on whatever you want to now, if you are ok with that. If you'd rather wait, that is fine as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
HOld on .... I'm starting a new thread ....
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Ok see you there!

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