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Since the other Expert opted out I would like to help you.
You sound like a very competent and confident woman. On the other hand, your husband sounds like he is weak, ineffective, and unable to be the leader of your family. At least that is the picture you have painted. From what you write, you want and desire and need him to be that head of the house and you believe by his "changing" he can do that.
What you seem to be asking for is a way to encourage this change. Is this correct?
The only way people change is through their own desire and commitment. You cannot "make" your husband change. That must come from within his own heart and soul.
It appears to me that when you use the word "encourage" you really mean "demand".
The most important thing you can do to encourage your husband is to love him unconditionally. That means...not putting demands on him to change but accepting his gifts and his flaws. When you love unconditionally you embrace all of that loved one and offer grace when their behaviors trouble or bother you.
Rather than focusing on what your husband needs to do, I encourage you to get support for what you need. Please attempt to understand what it is you need to feel more at peace with yourself, and ultimately with your husband.
Hi there! I have read your exchanges, and thought that maybe I would offer some advice from my vantage point.
It is frustrating to have to replay the same old scripts over and over in marriage, when you clearly can see that there could be such a simple remedy. What you are asking for is simply for your husband to be able to accept responsibility, and demonstrate responsibility. This is a skill that many people are taught in childhood, yet one that many people never learn. You are now attempting to help him learn this skill, while trying to point out to him the benefits of learning and following through on it. If he has always managed to get by with the assistance of others, with the leadership of others, or by blaming others for situations that have gone awry.... and if this has WORKED for him... he will see no need to change his behavior.
In order for him to get on board, there must be some type of benefit for doing so, and some motivation. The key phrase for you to keep in the back of your mind is whatever we give the most attention to is what we will get more of. So be sure to heap on the praise when he follows through or admits defeat... which I am pretty sure you are already doing. What has helped me (as a married woman of 25 years with a wonderful husband who has difficulty remembering to follow through on many occasions!), is that I have to look at the whole picture to keep my perspective. He has weaknesses, and sometimes his insecurities get triggered and he attempts to compensate with defensiveness. I have to weigh this weakness in terms of who he is in every other area, and try to overlook certain things. Not all, not all the time, but each situation has to have it's own approach. Is he a sweet, caring man? Can you depend on him to be there in an emergency? Is he a good friend? Is he a hard worker? etc... This perspective may help when your frustration levels climb...
Finally, when we fear being judged or criticized, our defenses fire up. You have probably already told him that you just have certain needs for order in the house, or safety, or security and you need a willing partner to help with those responsibilities. Talk about these things and together work to determine their value to the family and each of you personally, so that he can see the benefits. You want to be able to trust him to follow through so you will be able to relax and not be hyper vigilant, and if he pitched in with a bit more conscious awareness, you could both relax. State your needs and wishes clearly and write them down in necessary. Try to use humor as a way to melt any defenses, and choose your battles so that you focus on one particular issue at a time until you work it out. Repetition is the key, rewarding the efforts, and reminding yourselves of what a great thing you have... and anything worth keeping is worth working at!
I hope my view was somewhat useful to you--- I will await any reply or any further information or questions!