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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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My husband treats his 25 year old daughter more like a mistress.

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My husband treats his 25 year old daughter more like a mistress. She hates me, doesn't live with us but all I ever hear is she can't come to the house - that's the house she grew up in. They talk secretly on the phone, they meet and he doesn't tell me.
We've had hundreds of arguments over the past 10 years and I've had enough.
What to do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Do you know what led to her "hating" you?

 

If your husband believes that her presence in the home would cause discord, what options does he have to keep in touch with her?

 

What would you like to happen realistically?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi;

Other than me being with her Dad there is no reason she should hate me that I know of.
They speak at least 5 times/day and they meet for coffees, lunch and have even taken vacations together in the past 2 years. He pays her rent, gives her an allowance. She works sometines and not others. SHe is always in crisis, makes bad boyfriend choices and has anxiety and depression concerns.
Reaslistically it would be wonderful if everyone got along. He treats me differently when she is around although she hasn't been around since Christmas.
I have 3 boys from a previous marriage but only 1 at home now.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for clarifying. From what you've shared, it sounds like her father is enabling her. At her age, she should have a job and take care of herself even address her anxiety/depression by getting treatment.

 

If it is an option and you're willing/able to do so, ask him to join them once in a while for coffee. Even if she dislikes/hates you, on your end, you can still remain neutral/cordial with her. You're his wife and don't have anything to share with her except her father's time.

Perhaps he treats her this way out of guilt and is trying to compensate in some way. Yet, you're also a part of his family. You've mentioned that there had been arguments and that when she comes over he's reacting differently towards you. This may be a situation where outside help could be beneficial such as working with a couple's coach or marital therapist.

 

You must have feelings for him to want things to improve. He may have been unable to change his behavior so far and it does not mean that it has to remain this way.

On your end, try not to see her as a competition for his affection/attention even though from what you said, they spend a lot of time doing things together. Try to arrange things the two of you as a couple engage in. And, if she is to come over the house, perhaps you could also invite a friend or a couple/family friends to be there for dinner. That may break the ice a bit.

 

Something has to change for things to change. On his end, he'd have to be willing to examine how this is affecting not only you but the marriage. Both of you have to come up with a plan as to how to deal with this situation. It has been going on for too long. He may have become secretive because he feels guilty and does not want to upset you. Something to figure out is what makes this so upsetting to you and then address that. People can change with effort and as long as the two of you deal with this in a reasonable way, positive changes can happen.

 

 

Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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