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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5244
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband started living with his high school sweetheart 2

Resolved Question:

My husband started living with his high school sweetheart 2 months ago in his deceased mothers house in NJ. I see him 2 or 3 times a week because we own a business together. Neither of us have filed for a divorce. First he asked for a divorce then he said give me 2 months to think about it. Some nights he sleeps @ the house not to drive back and forth. We are civil now to each other. A week ago he told me that she may be moving out but I haven't heard anything more. HELP
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband may not be sure what he wants in with your marriage.

 

What do you feel you want out of this situation?

 

What do you feel the problem is with your marriage and is your husband willing to work on it?

 

Thank you,

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor. She is still living with him even though he told me last week she may be going back to her husband. I feel like he is making all the calls since my lawyer i consulted said i should stay in the house.

 

I am in limbo I am starting to enjoy living by myself and I am not sure IF i want him back. I don't know if I need him. I am very sad about this

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for the information.

 

I saw that you posted the same question on the queue for another expert to answer. Do you still want to proceed with this one? You will end up with two answers then and be asked to accept both. Is that ok?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I didn't get an answer from the other person I think that there was a technical problem Please continue. Joan
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Ok, thanks Joan,

 

It is very natural to feel sad about your marriage. This is a loss and as with any loss, you need to mourn. You have been betrayed, deeply hurt and your trust in your relationship was taken away. It is ok to feel as you do.

 

Part of the problem here is that you have to be reminded of your pain each time you see your husband and hear from him or hear of him. Your wound is opened and everything is exposed, leaving you to start back at the beginning with how you feel.

 

Since your husband is not interested in addressing the problems in the marriage and he has essentially cheated on you by living with this other woman, it may be time for you to consider moving on. That means divorcing him and dividing up whatever property you can, whether that means paying him for his part of the house or selling it outright and splitting the profits. You may want to consider doing the same with your business.

 

Emotionally, it means no longer seeing your husband or having anything to do with him. If someone tries to talk with you about him, you have to establish boundaries with them by saying that is not something I want to talk about anymore.

 

This is not going to be easy. There is always a desire to hold on and see if things change. Letting go is very difficult, especially after so many years together and sharing your life and your children. Making that choice can add to your pain, a way of resigning yourself to the reality of the situation. But without making a choice, you allow him to control you and your life. And he is not the one who is hurting. So he will continue to do things that hurt you as long as he is allowed to.

 

By taking back control of your life, you can heal. Start by learning all you can about divorce and loss. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

 

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McXXXXX, XXXXX H. Bloomfield and Melba Colgrove

 

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher

 

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott

 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Also, consider seeing a counselor on your own. Talk with your doctor about a referral or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Support groups on line or in person can also be a big help. Here is a resource to help:

 

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups-Divorce/support-group

 

Most of all, know that you will get through this. Take one day at a time and do what you can. There is no perfect on this, only what you can do.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5244
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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