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Dear Alex,

A understand and appreciate the frustrating and unsatisfying nature of your current dynamics with men.

For starters, you have to know what your man is seeking from the relationship so that you can give it to him in order to get hims to love you in a way that YOU want. I am not talking about being "easy", of course.

Men do not like to be worshipped, and it is not necessary to do whatever he wants, particularly if you have no desire to do it. All men like and respect a woman with a mind of her own, and they also like to be very admired, such as their biggest "fan".

Men sometimes leave women who try to be whatever they think the men want them to be - more than they leave other women. They also leave women who try to dress and act sexy all the time and give them all the sex they want - and more. Men like sex, to be sure, but they want much more.

Girls guys leave

The women that men leave, amazingly enough, are the gals who strive to be whatever he wants.

Some women think that all there is to being the kind of woman men love is dressing sexy and giving him all the sex that he can handle. There is an unfair perception that all men want is sex. Some men do, however, and those are the ones that will become bored with you and leave you, once the relationship moves beyond intimacy.

Men love women that make them feel desired, loved, admired - and these feelings must be real and honest. If a man perceives your admiration to be less than genuine, he will move on to a more honest relationship.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is understanding your man, finding out what he wants and needs from you, while all-the-while retaining your own unique identity.

I wish you the best of luck.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Dear Alex,

Relationships are about your mutual needs. I have already explained how important it is for men to have their needs met.

The one need (and the most essential), that you brought up, is your need to have a relationship that will endure. You need to trust the man. You need to feel safe. You need to feel admired, you need good communication, you need to feel relaxed.

You have not given me any description of how your relationships seem to fall apart quickly. If you can give me something to go on such as:

-What your YOUR needs? What do you want out of a relationship? I can guess at the basics, but only you know the details. Perhaps you can convey them to the man as you begin to open up to each other.
-How does a typical date go?
-How soon do the relationships last?
-Are you intimate, and if so, after dating for how long?
-How does a breakup start?

I look forward to hearing more from you so that I can assist you.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Dear Alex,

You have revealed a lot by saying that you are attracted to men who don't seem interested in a long term committed relationship. Although YOU want such a relationship, you have such fear of abandonment that you sabotage your relationships from the beginning. You have such fear of rejection that you engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy scenario in which the ultimate outcome is failure.

It has nothing to do with dyslexia. It has nothing to do with imperfect math skills. Many brilliant people fall down in the math department. The men in your life have abandoned you. Your natural mother evidently abandoned you. They didn't care, and now you choose other men who don't care.

You can change course. Let me recommend two books that will help you to do that. They are both available at amazon.com and elsewhere.

Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black

AND

Taming Your Outer Child: A Revolutionary Program to Overcome Self-Defeating Patterns by XXXXX XXXXX

Reading these books will surely help you change your life. You must break this pattern. You seem that you have so much to offer. You will learn how to stop giving yourself to the wrong men. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are, with all of your minor imperfections, and help you to overcome your big problem - lack of trust - by understanding you and standing by you in your moments of doubt and self-sabotaging thoughts and behavior.

I know you can overcome this. You CAN learn to trust again but you must stop choosing partners who only reinforce your anticipated lack of commitment.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC