Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Here is the end of the other thread:
I started a new thread ... Btw, I asked Linda what kind of therapy she did. She said "I woul just call it psychotherapy.". She said she leaned a bit towards cognitive behavioral, and explained that is what we had done earlier on, but that I was resistant to it because it was taking negative thoughts and trying to replace them with healthier positive self-thought and I kept telling her I felt like she was asking me to make stuff up and try to convince myself. She is right. She said what we are doing now is imagery stuff, kind of like the cbt, but not exactly. I'm going to ask her why she has never even mentioned transference and maybe explain why I push away or shut down when I'm feeling stuff.
If Linda doesn't really practice a certain kind of therapy and is what therapists call "eclectic" that is very normal. Many therapists don't adhere to a certain kind of therapy, choosing instead to pick from the different theories and find what fits the person they are working with. Asking her about the transference is a good idea. She will be familiar with it and can give you her point of view.
It may help you to identify the feelings you have when you talk about your body in therapy. What does it bring up for you? Once you can identify the feelings, you can explore where they come from and why they are there.
When you feel that you have no value and accept the beliefs about yourself that those guys put on you, it may not feel possible to feel any other way. I think part of this is because of what you went through as a child. Part of you accepts that you are flawed, because that is a feeling you identify with from childhood. You were made to feel something was wrong with you for expressing yourself and being yourself. So you put on the persona you were told to accept by your parents. When those guys attacked you, they wanted you to accept the persona they put on you. And in a way, you did. You agree that during that time, you had no value as a person and you became what they wanted you to become.
It's ok to feel there is no line between the past feelings about the attack and what you feel about it now. That is because it was not worked through yet. Now is the time you are addressing it, getting those feelings out into the open and working to change your perspective of them.
To change your perspective, you have to work to open your thoughts and feelings to changing. You have your perspective of what happened and it's ok that you feel that way, but you may want to consider that it is not the best perspective for you to have. For example, someone walks up and hits you, out of the blue. You can have different perspectives as to why they did it. And your thoughts and feelings about it will be based on your past experiences. Someone who was abused as a child might think, "well, I deserved that. I am worthless anyway". Someone who is angry might say "I'm going to kill them for that". In your case, you were raised to feel that you are wrong in how you feel. When you were attacked, it is natural for you to take blame and accept what those guys put on you from their own feelings. By changing your perspective, however, you can see that those guys need to own those feelings, not you. The attack was about them, not about who you are. The evidence is there. That does not take away that you feel bad about what happened, but it does allow you to see it differently and in a less painful way.
I understand your curiosity about the medication, I just didn't want to put it out there since JA is a public site.
Of course you could be entrusted with another human being! You are loving and compassionate. Every mother has that thought when they take their kids home from the hospital or adopts them. It is part of being a mother. You want to be sure you can take care of your child and give them the best you can. And that is an overwhelming thought and responsibility. You do have it in you. And you would not be alone sending your kid to college when you are 70. There are a lot of older mothers out there! But being an awesome aunt is great too!