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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate. I did sleep pretty well! Linda never says

Resolved Question:

Hey Kate.

I did sleep pretty well!

Linda never says anything about it if I say I have nothing to say. She just says okay and then she will talk.

She asked me yesterday whether how we did things Monday and going slow, etc. was okay with me. I told her it was. I told her it was hard to get started and that while I was going through it, it helped that she asked questions and stuff - made it easier to continue. When I tried to start last night, I was having trouble again, and I asked her if she fouled help me out. She said she knows it's a difficult thing to kind of "jump into.". Finally she asked me something about the last thing I had talked about Monday, which helped me start.
And when she sensed I was getting stuck, she would ask questions, which helped. When we got to the bottle part, she asked of I wanted to skip over it.

I understand what you are saying about the body sensations. But it makes me uncomfortable to talk to Linda about things I'm experiencing ony body in the present. And it made me uncomfortable when she was telling me I could do things to try to make it feel better. I didn't tell her the other stuff I was experiencing. I don't want to sit there and talk about my body.

I know you are right that I was made only for God. But that's not how it feels when I remember. By burying things, I was able to kind of "skip" that and feel somewhat like I felt before it happened. But now I can't do that, and it makes what I've felt all this time was a farce. Does that make sense?

I know it's not right, probably, but I just feel like I told you last night. I don't feel like that generally, but when I think about what happened, I feel like I had/have(?) no value. It's hard to separate past from present feelings, since I am feeling it now, but it happened back then. I can't figure it out totally.

I know you said they didn't make me anything I wasn't before. But it feels otherwise. Or maybe I was always that way and I had misled and overestimated/overvalued myself.

It seemed so not right last night thinking about that and about having/adopting children at the same time. It is incongruent. How could I be entrusted with another human? On the other hand, it's odd for me to think about this whole convoluted process when people accidentally get pregnant all the time? I don't even know whether I can have kids. But it hasn't been an issue before. And it doesn't matter. If I wait to have sex, I will be 70 when the child is in HS. :).

I will continue to pray. And I do agree that if it is meant to be, God will make that clear. Meanwhile, maybe I'm just meant to be that awesome aunt. :)

My next appointment with Linda isn't until next Tuesday, so I will have a week to think about the feelings raised yesterday.

What did you mean by your "medication allowed for that?" I don't understand. Are you talking about birth control that you can just go off? I don't know a whole lot about that kind of stuff :/

Talk to you later.

Shay
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.

Here is the end of the other thread:

 

I started a new thread ... Btw, I asked Linda what kind of therapy she did. She said "I woul just call it psychotherapy.". She said she leaned a bit towards cognitive behavioral, and explained that is what we had done earlier on, but that I was resistant to it because it was taking negative thoughts and trying to replace them with healthier positive self-thought and I kept telling her I felt like she was asking me to make stuff up and try to convince myself. She is right. She said what we are doing now is imagery stuff, kind of like the cbt, but not exactly. I'm going to ask her why she has never even mentioned transference and maybe explain why I push away or shut down when I'm feeling stuff.

 

If Linda doesn't really practice a certain kind of therapy and is what therapists call "eclectic" that is very normal. Many therapists don't adhere to a certain kind of therapy, choosing instead to pick from the different theories and find what fits the person they are working with. Asking her about the transference is a good idea. She will be familiar with it and can give you her point of view.

 

It may help you to identify the feelings you have when you talk about your body in therapy. What does it bring up for you? Once you can identify the feelings, you can explore where they come from and why they are there.

 

When you feel that you have no value and accept the beliefs about yourself that those guys put on you, it may not feel possible to feel any other way. I think part of this is because of what you went through as a child. Part of you accepts that you are flawed, because that is a feeling you identify with from childhood. You were made to feel something was wrong with you for expressing yourself and being yourself. So you put on the persona you were told to accept by your parents. When those guys attacked you, they wanted you to accept the persona they put on you. And in a way, you did. You agree that during that time, you had no value as a person and you became what they wanted you to become.

 

It's ok to feel there is no line between the past feelings about the attack and what you feel about it now. That is because it was not worked through yet. Now is the time you are addressing it, getting those feelings out into the open and working to change your perspective of them.

 

To change your perspective, you have to work to open your thoughts and feelings to changing. You have your perspective of what happened and it's ok that you feel that way, but you may want to consider that it is not the best perspective for you to have. For example, someone walks up and hits you, out of the blue. You can have different perspectives as to why they did it. And your thoughts and feelings about it will be based on your past experiences. Someone who was abused as a child might think, "well, I deserved that. I am worthless anyway". Someone who is angry might say "I'm going to kill them for that". In your case, you were raised to feel that you are wrong in how you feel. When you were attacked, it is natural for you to take blame and accept what those guys put on you from their own feelings. By changing your perspective, however, you can see that those guys need to own those feelings, not you. The attack was about them, not about who you are. The evidence is there. That does not take away that you feel bad about what happened, but it does allow you to see it differently and in a less painful way.

 

I understand your curiosity about the medication, I just didn't want to put it out there since JA is a public site.

 

Of course you could be entrusted with another human being! You are loving and compassionate. Every mother has that thought when they take their kids home from the hospital or adopts them. It is part of being a mother. You want to be sure you can take care of your child and give them the best you can. And that is an overwhelming thought and responsibility. You do have it in you. And you would not be alone sending your kid to college when you are 70. There are a lot of older mothers out there! But being an awesome aunt is great too!

 

Kate

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