sleep pretty well!
Linda never says anything about it if I say I have nothing to say. She just says okay and then she will talk.
She asked me yesterday whether how we did things Monday and going slow, etc. was okay with me. I told her it was. I told her it was hard to get started and that while I was going through it, it helped that she asked questions and stuff - made it easier to continue. When I tried to start last night, I was having trouble again, and I asked her if she fouled help me out. She said she knows it's a difficult thing to kind of "jump into.". Finally she asked me something about the last thing I had talked about Monday, which helped me start.
And when she sensed I was getting stuck, she would ask questions, which helped. When we got to the bottle part, she asked of I wanted to skip over it.
I understand what you are saying about the body sensations. But it makes me uncomfortable to talk to Linda about things I'm experiencing ony body in the present. And it made me uncomfortable when she was telling me I could do things to try to make it feel better. I didn't tell her the other stuff I was experiencing. I don't want to sit there and talk about my body.
I know you are right that I was made only for God. But that's not how it feels when I remember. By burying things, I was able to kind of "skip" that and feel somewhat like I felt before it happened. But now I can't do that, and it makes what I've felt all this time was a farce. Does that make sense?
I know it's not right, probably, but I just feel like I told you last night. I don't feel like that generally, but when I think about what happened, I feel like I had/have(?) no value. It's hard to separate past from present feelings, since I am feeling it now, but it happened back then. I can't figure it out totally.
I know you said they didn't make me anything I wasn't before. But it feels otherwise. Or maybe I was always that way and I had misled and overestimated/overvalued myself.
It seemed so not right last night thinking about that and about having/adopting children at the same time. It is incongruent. How could I be entrusted with another human? On the other hand, it's odd for me to think about this whole convoluted process when people accidentally get pregnant all the time? I don't even know whether I can have kids. But it hasn't been an issue before. And it doesn't matter. If I wait to have sex, I will be 70 when the child is in HS. :).
I will continue to pray. And I do agree that if it is meant to be, God will make that clear. Meanwhile, maybe I'm just meant to be that awesome aunt. :)
My next appointment with Linda isn't until next Tuesday, so I will have a week to think about the feelings raised yesterday.
What did you mean by your "medication allowed for that?" I don't understand. Are you talking about birth control that you can just go off? I don't know a whole lot about that kind of stuff :/
Talk to you later.