I hope you slept well last night.
I agree that praying about the adoption feelings is important. A decision like this should not be made without exploring your feelings and praying about it. If God feels this is something you should do, then the opportunities will be put into your path.
I did not want kids until I had completed my degrees and had a chance to have good experience in my field. Then the decision just kind of snuck up on me. My brother and his wife were thinking about having children so the bug kind of bit me through their own experience. My kids were all planned, but I am on medication that allows for that so it really wasn't in my hands as much as it could have been.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to when you want children. I know many people that either could not have them or chose not to. Or they had them late. It's all about you as an individual.
I think the physical sensations that you have when you talk about the bottle make the experience very real to you. Trauma that is intense enough to cause you sensations years later tells you that it is still very real and very present. And that is ok. It is supposed to be because you have not worked all the way through it. But when Linda has you get in touch with it, it makes it come into the present. And it brings all the feelings with it, like the embarrassment and shame. What those guys did was violate you in a very personal way. Getting hit over the head and having your purse stolen is very different than being personally violated and used like those guys did. And sharing that brings it's own sense of shame. You are not like those guys so you feel what happened. They have no shame or sense of decency like you do.
They did not change you into something you are not. That was their message to you, yes, I agree. But that message came from what they feel about themselves. They forced it on you because they had the ability to do so. People who are evil like that rarely keep it to themselves. They have to hurt others to make themselves feel things they normally do not feel, like superiority. The pit they come from doesn't allow for those kinds of feelings. But hurting someone else (they think at least) makes them feel "better". So what they did does not say who you are, only who they are. You were not made for them but for God. You belong to Him and no one else, especially two guys who are so damaged and lost they have to hurt others to deal with themselves.
It's ok to feel this intensely. You are right, that is the point of what you are doing.
I think not saying something in therapy is actually saying a lot, if that makes sense. And hopefully Linda will explore that with you next time you feel that way.
Talk to you soon,Kate