I told Linda about my thoughts about the teenagers' baby. (found out they're 16 - a little older than I thought). She said that was interesting, because the same thought had crossed her mind last week. She said she may bring it up to her if it seems appropriate. The thing is - private adoptions are so much quicker, easier and streamlined if both parents consent. Of course, either of them could change their mind at any point until a few days after the birth. That's the way it should be. But it would be difficult if something like that fell through.
And even though they are very young - giving a child up for adoption is a life-changing thing. I would hate for them to regret it or feel pushed into it because they feel unprepared. Jamie got pregnant from a one night stand. she had a difficult pregnancy and lost her job, which was a very good job. I barely knew her - had seen her at church, but hadn't ever spoken to her, I don't think. But we had a mutual friend who told me she was considering putting the baby up for adoption because she didn't think she had the resources to raise a child. I thought that finances were a terrible basis for such a decision. At the time, I made a lot more money and received great bonuses. So I was able to get some money to her anonymously. I dont know how seriously she was considering the adoption option, but I see now what a great mom she is, what a gift her daughter (now 3) has been, and what a good dad the surprised one night stand turned out to be! So in addition to figuring out whether I really want and should have kids at all, there are a lot of other considerations. The least of my concern is the private adoption process, since I work with several attorneys who handle that kind of thing.
Maybe my going back to the old firm is one of God's ways of setting things up to make raising a child more doable. I need to pray about it more, and I an opportunity arises, maybe I have His answer. Did
you always know you wanted kids? We're they all planned? I wonder if the fact that I am not totally sure means that I shouldn't have kids, because it seems like so many people just have such a need and desire to have them. The fact that it hasn't been a central focus for me may mean something??? But I was thinking I had plenty of time. Until I turned 40. I talked to my pastor about it several months ago. He thought I should consider adoption and that it was a better option than insemination. I told him I was just going to go have sex with a random guy. He didn't know what to say. (I assured him I was joking). Oh well. We'll see.
Tonight went okay. It was difficult. We made it through to the first time with the bottle. I have so many questions. I just don't understand so much. So many things about them and why and why it affected me as it did and why it still upsets me. Mu stomach felt really tight when I was talking about the bottle and i was feeling some other physical things. Linda asked if I was feeling physical pain or anything (maybe ahe could tell i was uncomfortable?) i told her about the tightness in my stomach and she was telling me it was okay to move around or curl up or rub my stomach. I didnt want to, and i don't know why, but it embarassed me to tell her i was having physical symptoms and self conscious when she was telling me what I could do. Why, do you think?
I told Linda that It was probably not these guys' first time doing something like that. But let's say it was. At some point they crossed a line and changed into people who do that kind of thing. But they also changed me into someone to whom those things can be done. A few hours earlier, I was happy and had everything going for me. I had good grades, was choosing a law school, had good friends, was valuable. Then it was like I was worth nothing except what they could use for their benefit. I meant nothing. I was nothing. I was something, and then in a short time, nothing. I don't know if I thought this at the time, but when I remember, I am thinking "you don't know who you're doing this to.". But then the message I get is clear: this is exactly who you are. You are not what you thought. I wasn't invincible or untouchable or something special or remarkable. I was whatever they wanted me to be. It was like I was made just for them. I know that's not true, but that's how I felt about it remembering it tonight.
I feel pretty intense right now. But maybe that's the point?
Oh - as to what you said about my not bringing up stuff in therapy because I don't really have anything to say - I sometimes don't feel like saying anything. I guess I expect her to ask me questions of there's something I should be talking about. She is the therapist, not me. And maybe I'm still testing her. Not sure how, though. And I feel like our chatting about everyday things kind of wastes time, and I already feel bad because our sessions run way late every time and although my insurance allows for unlimited number of extended sessions, the extended sessions are only supposed to be and hour and 15 minutes or something, and she frequently has me there for an hour and 45 minutes. I am going to start setting an alarm on my phone. But mostly, other things in my life are fine and I try to maintain a drama-free life, so I don't have a lot of other exciting stuff going on.
Well, goodnight. I'm optimistic about sleeping
tonight, since I slept well last night. I felt so spent by the time I left my session tonight. :)