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May I give you some examples of the things that have been going on that i am concerned about, and maybe some family background, to see if I'm possibly off-base, or not on the right track (barking up the wrong tree perhaps)? My daughter has been attending this day care since she was born, and my sons before her. It is a home daycare environment and I love the provider (female). Her husband has been semi-employed and is at the house more often than not, but seems to keep at a distance from the kids. About a year ago I remember the provider saying something to the effect that her husband loved my daughter, and something about her even sitting on his lap at times when he was on the computer (or something to that effect).
Over the last year I have thought she had a irritable vaginal area, as it seemed red and a few times I suspected a UTI, because of the redness to the area, although it was not swollen or bruised, and I had her screened for a UTI once and she was clear. I attributed the redness, which would resolve over a day or two with the use of bacitracin and making sure she was cleaned properly after urinating in the toilet, to her maybe being given free reign to wipe herself off after urinating, and maybe she did not do a good job, and the area was irritated from this.
My daughter has become increasingly angry and defiant over the last year (although anger is not new to our family- her dad has an anger problem and she has 2 brothers w/ADHD & oppositional defiant d/o). She is generally happy, and prone to tantrums, and the anger is not pervasive throughout the day, but it's there, and the defiance is off and on. Her day care provider is at a loss at his point because for the last few weeks, my daughter has been urinating "on purpose", wetting her pants, has had a few bowel movement accidents, and she's been potty trained for over a year. She has had times at home where she's urinated "on purpose" in her pants, or in areas of the house, or tried to urinate in small containers as if it were a potty chair. Sometimes she is hesitant to urinate as it is uncomfortable due to the redness that shows up. I have seen her pull at her labia a lot, not 24/7, but if her underwear is off, she'll do this (and I thought it more to be a 3 yr old's curiosity and discovery of her "parts"). She has become very clingy when I drop her off at day care for the last several weeks too, which is new for her, and a phase I thought. Some days are better than others, and she is okay w/me leaving, and other days she does not want me to go, and saying goodbye can take and extremely long time. And not every time, but sometimes when she wants to give me a kiss, or pretend like she is getting married, she tries to give a prolonged kiss with moving her head side to side, again, this is not every time she gives me a kiss, and I assumed she was mimicing the kisses of the fairytales she likes to watch.
She is a happy girl, but has her tantrums, and anger outbursts, and definatantly defiant behavior, so I am unsure if this is hinting at some possible sexual abuse or behavioral issues (as my children are obviously prone to this). I want to help my little girl out however I can and don't want to assume that it is one thing when it may be something totally different. The escalating behavior (trying to hurt others at day care, isolating herself at day care, "purposeful" urinating in her pants/b.m. accidents, defiance) is going on over 3 weeks and her day care provider doesn't know what to do for her, questioning if her day care is right for my daughter anymore. I am trying to put all of these pieces together, and over the last year have thought all of things have been isolated, unrelated, and that I was possibly reading into things. If my daughter has suffered any type of abuse at the hands of another, I won't ever be able to forgive myself! I want to help her, I just can't prove it's abuse, and it maybe is totally behavioral in nature- I'm just so unsure.
Thank you for taking the time to read this novel; I just didn't know where to turn!