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Hi, one thing is for sure, parenting a teenager is not easy.However it is important to look in to things and attempt to make some changes
Why do you get angry..is it her behavior in general or any specific issues
I agree. Teens are tough. Why do I get so angry with her and can remain calm and objective with my other two children?
How old are the other two
8 an 13
ok. It is not unusual for parents to perceive thier oldest should be more responsible and should expect near perfectionism,although in reality some times the age gap is not much
My wife thinks I lean towards abusive parenting because I engage her with an angry tone. How do I open new communiication channels with her? I feel like I have old issues withmy parents.
And also some times it is common to draw comparisons from their childhood,remembering how responsible they were or struggled at that age(in other words perceived grew up)
OK.To start with you are in good position because you have been honest with yourself,ready to change,accepts some issues
Before we discus how to open channels can you tel me anything specific about her that makes you angry apart from teen behaviour
We have had several honesty and trust issues. Aside of somewhat usual teen behavior, I feel she is disrespectful and manipulates the two of us to get what she wants, or get us to diagree. I do like several of her characteristics and qualities and say so. I guess I don't want to her to make some of the same mistakes I did, so I come down hard on her. My spouse uses the word "hateful" to describe how I feel about her.
No, I wouldn't use that word as from your description you clearly like her,want best for her and hoping that she could learn from your mistakes.Coming tot he other point kids do try to make the situation better for them.More over they can easily sense if there is any friction between the parents and get want they want out of it.
However when you try to engage with teenage children,especially females you need to understand few things that might give little bit of insight.
when the kids hit adolescence one of the major difference is is that while boys tend to withdraw(computer games etc), girls engage and often they engage with a fight. It is also important to acknowledge few things
Can I pick up our conversation later?, I am late for class.
Adolescent girls are dealing with many changes happening at once. First, they are experiencing significant changes in their bodies.Emotional dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on the receiving end of it
Can I email later, or how does this chat session work, I have no experience with this sort of thimg?
I will try to summarize and give an answer.Then if you want to ask you can
Ok, How do I log back in with you specifically?
Ok I can wait for that, sorry so rushed.
I will summarize and reply to you
You have my email?
I think i can e mail tot his question.It wil come to you
ok, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX to talk about this and stay positive.
Sure .you are doing what you can
i will e mail to you
Hello, I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 20 years and have worked with many, many families with teenage children. I would like to offer you a different answer for your consideration. You and your wife and daughter are engaged in a pattern of communication that has become the norm and is very difficult to change without professional help. As it stands now, you are the bad guy and your wife if the "perfect parent" (no such thing by the way!). So this is not simply your problem to fix; your wife plays a big part in this as well. ........ continuing........
You are very wise to recognize that issues from your family of origin are contributing to your anger in communication with your daughter. This is something that needs to be processed through in therapy, not your own individual therapy, but family therapy. My professional recommendation is that you, your wife and daughter see a Marriage and Family Therapist to work on your relationships. Your MFT will help you all understand why you are behaving the way you are towards one another. And I can guarantee you that all three of you have work to do!!! It will be a rich experience that will bring your family closer to one another. Family Therapy will also have great benefit for your daugher because she will gain understanding of the generational issues from both you and your wife's side of her family, and thus will not be likely to repeat them. The negative cycles will be broken and not carried into future generations.
You may go to www.TherapistLocator.net or www.psychologytoday.com to search for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists where you live.
It has been my pleasure to answer your question. Chat back if you need anything further. I wish you, your wife and daughter all the best, XXXXX XXXXX
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