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Doctor Rao
Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience:  MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
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I become angry when parenting my 15 yr old daughter. I want

Customer Question

I become angry when parenting my 15 yr old daughter. I want to resolve this matter. At 37, I still carry angry feelings towards my parents and their divorce. I do not hit her but our communication can turn towards jostling when our discussions butt heads.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.

Doctor Rao :

Hi, one thing is for sure, parenting a teenager is not easy.However it is important to look in to things and attempt to make some changes

Doctor Rao :

Why do you get angry..is it her behavior in general or any specific issues

Customer :

I agree. Teens are tough. Why do I get so angry with her and can remain calm and objective with my other two children?

Doctor Rao :

How old are the other two

Customer :

8 an 13

Doctor Rao :

ok. It is not unusual for parents to perceive thier oldest should be more responsible and should expect near perfectionism,although in reality some times the age gap is not much

Customer :

My wife thinks I lean towards abusive parenting because I engage her with an angry tone. How do I open new communiication channels with her? I feel like I have old issues withmy parents.

Doctor Rao :

And also some times it is common to draw comparisons from their childhood,remembering how responsible they were or struggled at that age(in other words perceived grew up)

Doctor Rao :

OK.To start with you are in good position because you have been honest with yourself,ready to change,accepts some issues

Customer :

Ok.

Doctor Rao :

Before we discus how to open channels can you tel me anything specific about her that makes you angry apart from teen behaviour

Customer :

We have had several honesty and trust issues. Aside of somewhat usual teen behavior, I feel she is disrespectful and manipulates the two of us to get what she wants, or get us to diagree. I do like several of her characteristics and qualities and say so. I guess I don't want to her to make some of the same mistakes I did, so I come down hard on her. My spouse uses the word "hateful" to describe how I feel about her.

Doctor Rao :

No, I wouldn't use that word as from your description you clearly like her,want best for her and hoping that she could learn from your mistakes.Coming tot he other point kids do try to make the situation better for them.More over they can easily sense if there is any friction between the parents and get want they want out of it.

Doctor Rao :

However when you try to engage with teenage children,especially females you need to understand few things that might give little bit of insight.

Customer :

ok

Doctor Rao :

when the kids hit adolescence one of the major difference is is that while boys tend to withdraw(computer games etc), girls engage and often they engage with a fight. It is also important to acknowledge few things

Customer :

ok

Customer :

Can I pick up our conversation later?, I am late for class.

Doctor Rao :

Adolescent girls are dealing with many changes happening at once. First, they are experiencing significant changes in their bodies.Emotional dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on the receiving end of it

Customer :

Can I email later, or how does this chat session work, I have no experience with this sort of thimg?

Doctor Rao :

Sure.

Doctor Rao :

I will try to summarize and give an answer.Then if you want to ask you can

Customer :

Ok, How do I log back in with you specifically?

Customer :

Ok I can wait for that, sorry so rushed.

Customer :

sorry

Doctor Rao :

I will summarize and reply to you

Doctor Rao :

ok.Goodluck

Customer :

You have my email?

Doctor Rao :

I think i can e mail tot his question.It wil come to you

Customer :

ok, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX to talk about this and stay positive.

Customer :

see ya

Doctor Rao :

Sure .you are doing what you can

Doctor Rao :

bye

Doctor Rao :

i will e mail to you

Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I have been a Marriage and Family Therapist for 20 years and have worked with many, many families with teenage children. I would like to offer you a different answer for your consideration. You and your wife and daughter are engaged in a pattern of communication that has become the norm and is very difficult to change without professional help. As it stands now, you are the bad guy and your wife if the "perfect parent" (no such thing by the way!). So this is not simply your problem to fix; your wife plays a big part in this as well. ........ continuing........

You are very wise to recognize that issues from your family of origin are contributing to your anger in communication with your daughter. This is something that needs to be processed through in therapy, not your own individual therapy, but family therapy. My professional recommendation is that you, your wife and daughter see a Marriage and Family Therapist to work on your relationships. Your MFT will help you all understand why you are behaving the way you are towards one another. And I can guarantee you that all three of you have work to do!!! It will be a rich experience that will bring your family closer to one another. Family Therapy will also have great benefit for your daugher because she will gain understanding of the generational issues from both you and your wife's side of her family, and thus will not be likely to repeat them. The negative cycles will be broken and not carried into future generations.

 

You may go to www.TherapistLocator.net or www.psychologytoday.com to search for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists where you live.

 

It has been my pleasure to answer your question. Chat back if you need anything further. I wish you, your wife and daughter all the best, XXXXX XXXXX

_____________________________________________________________________________

Eleanor

PLEASE CLICK ON THE GREEN ACCEPT BUTTON IN MY ANSWER BOX. You may return to this answer for reference at any time after you accept. I would welcome any future questions from you; simply put “Ask Eleanor” at the beginning and it will be directed to me.

.

 

 

Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I would like to summarize our discussion so far and then would attempt to complete the answer.This is due to you have to leave in the middle to attend a class. It is important for you to understand first about few things.Your adolescent daughter might be going through changes in body,social circle,behavior.Some times emotional dysregulation is diverted towards parents. So, once you understand this you can take a step back,reflect on things from her perspective. In your daughters situation she might have been trying to get best of both.This will more often happen if the children notice any disagreements between the couple,arguments etc. Another thing you can do is you can try to do a behavioral analysis by ABC chart.This means Antecedent,Behavior and Consequence for her. So, for any major issue that make s you or her angry try to do this,what caused it,what she has done and what happened afterwards.You might find the results interesting,so that you might be able to change to avoid reaching that stage.

The major thing is you and your wife has to work as a unit and you both need to discuss the action plan.If your daughter sensed that your wife is cririsizing you and supporting her the chances for the behaviour to continue are more.So, essentially for things to change you both needs to sing the same song.

There are some other pratical steps you can take ..you can complain but can not critisize her.By this I meant Complaining is about telling her about the behaviour and critisizing her is atacking her personality and she perceives it as a personal attack.

If any of these suggestions did not help, then It is very important to for all of you to consider Family therapy as you both appears keen to change the pattern and you have two younger children,So, it night be very important for you both to get things right to avoid similar cycle.

I will tell you one of the recommended books and hope this would help to give you more understanding. How to deal with your Acting up Teenager--practical Help for Desperate Parents By Robert T.Bayard,Jean Bayard.

I hope you find my answer useful.I wish you all the best.Thank you.

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