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Doctor Rao
Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience:  MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
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Customer Question

"I am having issues with my in-laws. My in-laws are divorced and my father and in-law does a trip to the beach every year with some family friends. We normally do not go on the trip but last year we decided to. We decided to invite some friends, my parents, and my mother in law. My father in laws future wife did not like this, even though we were know where near them. We only did it because everyone had a good time at the wedding and we thought it would be nice to have a family reunion. Well, my father in laws future wife blamed me for the whole thing saying that I had no right inviting her down there and I ruined everyone's vacation including my father in laws friends. My father in laws future wife said I was inconsiderate and selfish and I need to learn to get along with my father in laws friends ( I do no care for them because they are very snobby and treat me like I do not belong because I did not come from money). This has caused a big problem in my family and to make matters worse they are getting married in a few weeks. My husband asked me to go to the wedding to be by his side so I am. I am very nervous to be in front of these people. I am afraid they are going to start trouble and I am not going to be able to say anything because their is more of them then of me. Also, my mother in law the one I stuck up for and wanted on vacation with me because it was her vacation at one time, does not seem to care. She has been making really mean comments and she is making me feel like I was the only one that took part in this. I am so tired of the drama I just do not know what else to do.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.

Doctor Rao :

Hi, Going through the question.Will answer soon.Thank you

Customer :

Thank you

Doctor Rao :

Hi,Thank you for your patience

Customer :

Your welcome

Doctor Rao :

I can understand how frustrating it is..It is not easy to deal with in laws especially if they decide to be mean to you

Customer :

Yes. But i do not feel i did anything wrong in the situation.

Doctor Rao :

Reading your post i think you have invited the family reunion in good faith and belief that everyone would enjoy and will be a chance to get to now each other

Doctor Rao :

Sometimes you dont have to do anything wrong..It depends on the others perception and also their life style..for example if someone got used to nuclear family concept and individualized holidays they might not like it.However they should have been nice to you

Doctor Rao :

So, 1.It shouldn't have happened 2.You shouldn't feel guilty as you haven't done anything wrong,if not took a brave move for bigger family union 3.You got to remember that we can not please everyone all the time

Customer :

Going forward everyone is arguing and hurting each other and it needs to stop. But not only that this is something that happened last summer and it is till continuing on. I shouldn't have to go to this wedding feeling left out or not apart of the family. Also, I do not want to not speak my opinion because I feel like they would be taking my power away and that is what they want.

Customer :

And I am tired of being talked down to like I do not belong because I did not come from money.

Customer :

I am tired of the drama in my husbands family and I honestly do not know what else to do. It is always something with them.

Doctor Rao :

you are partly true.But you need to discuss with your husband.If he requests you to attend you can BUT be clear with him and both of you come to a plan of action that cane be neutral and agreeable to both of you

Doctor Rao :

I think you need to learn some assertiveness techniques

Doctor Rao :

There are few things you can do 1.Remain calm 2,Ty not to enter in to arguments even with provocation 3.Be focused with your agenda..that is attend the wedding with out incidents may be to make your husband happy 4.In situations out of control let the other person do the talking 5.If the situation turns verbally abusive,put a stop to it by being assertive but not aggressive

Doctor Rao :

One other most important way to avoid conflicts is visualization of different scenarios in advance and prepare to avoid them

Doctor Rao :

Hi,Are you there

Doctor Rao :

OK. I will try to complete the answer with some practical advice and how we usually help these situation. The usual technique is SWOT technique. It is Your Strengths(invited by your husband,he is on board with you and they dont want to upset him), Weakness (she already showed some dislike to you,so you might not be very popular, but you can anticipate this and prepare yourself),Opportunities (The wedding is an opportunity to make over things if possible,you might be able to impress your father in law as he would see that you attended the wedding despite of some issues during last years holiday), Threats(the possible threats can be arguments,criticism,being sarcastic,try to test your temper and patience). so, based on this you can make the list tailor made to you,prepare yourself and deliver the plan.

Doctor Rao :

Finally I would like to recommend a self help book that might be useful. Some of my clients find this useful.It is not about your relationship with your husband but applies to dysfunctional relationship with others in the family.You might find this useful. It is called"The Verbally Abusive Relationship--How to recognize it and how to respond" by XXXXX XXXXX.


I can see you are offline.I hope you find my answers useful and agree with my answers.I wish you all the best.I am sure things would work well for you.Thank you

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