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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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FOR DR ROSSI Good Evening , Yesterday I took my mother

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FOR DR ROSSI

Good Evening , Yesterday I took my mother to a Care house,she is 90 years old with Dementia. Was a very difficult decision for me but I did it as I am extremely tired of taking care of her in the house. Now each time I go to visit her she tells me she is in a new place she doesnt like it she wants to return to her previous place. Each time I see her I start to cry ,to cry very much ,. I realise I had no choice but bring her to the Care houseon the other hand I am very sad she is not with me in my house. There is a big conflict between feelings and reality. How can I accept this and stop to cry all the time?

Hello,

 

She will become situated over time and adjust to the idea of being there. If possible, when you visit her, try not to cry because it may upset her more.

You know from a logical perspective that caring for her in your home was taking a toll on you. From emotional perspective, you are feeling guilt and worry about her wellbeing.

The next time you visit or speak to her, try to point out to her what may be a positive side of being there- meeting new people, engaging in different activities, having helpers around her, etc.

You are crying because you miss her, because of the nature of her condition, as a result of having become burned out and because you worry about her being away from home. This is a stage that you're experiencing grieving for having to place her in the care home. It is something that over time will subside as you become more confident in knowing that you've done what is best for her at this time. It may not seem as the best option to you because you're comparing how she was at home and how she's at the care home. These are two different scenarios though and comparison may not do justice to her new placement.

 

It may be helpful to get connected to other care givers who take care of those with dementia. If such groups exist in your area, you can get a lot of emotional support and strength through these meetings. If these are not available or your schedule prevents you from joining, there are some free online support groups available.

 

In order to move forward, you would want to remind yourself that this is the best option for her at this moment in time. It takes people time to adjust to novel situations and as you focus on some of the positive things that she is receiving there and able to experience, speak to her about these when you talk to her.

 

Your guilt and fear stem from doubting how others will care for her and because you feel that you should be able to do more for her. But, caring for someone with this condition is very difficult and in most cases caregivers resort to professional support (care homes). A part of dealing with your guilt and crying spells is to accept your limitations as a human being and to forgive yourself for pushing yourself too hard.

 

 

Online Support Groups for Caregivers of People With Dementia ...

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you very much Dr Rossi as allways before I appreciate very much your answers. Please alllow me to ask you last, How is the way to stop to cry ?

You would not want to force yourself to stop but allow yourself to stop. The difference is that you may realize that crying does not make you feel better as people commonly like to say. When the need to cry arises, you may decide to mentally pray for peace both for yourself and your mom; give yourself mental suggestions that this is the right thing to do and the most helpful thing, accept the fact that you miss your mom and then remind yourself that you can visit her and speak to her. View her stay at the care home more like a respite rather than isolation from her.

 

And, if you feel like crying, mentally try to examine yourself as though on a TV screen and objectively ask- what brings on my tears? Remember to take deep abdominal breaths as these calm the nervous system and think of those things over which you've got control over i.e. bringing your mom flowers, covering her cost at the care home, taking care of your emotional and psychological self and realizing that at times, there are things that one has to do with equanimity.

 

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