I told Linda once before that she needed to stop bouncing all over the place – that we needed to stick to one thing at a time - because it was overwhelming me. But that was a long time ago. It just bothers me because I am a very goal-oriented, planning person, and if w decide to do something, we should see it through until the end unless there is a good reason to stop it. It’s kind of like a diet ---- it would do no good to go on a low-carb diet for 2 weeks, then switch to another different kind of diet for a few weeks, then another ---- it won’t work. And it could be that even staying with something all the way through won’t have all the desired results, but that’s the only way to have a chance. I feel like when things get too hard for her (meaning they are difficult and upsetting to me, which she doesn’t want to see), Linda switches to something else.
I guess I do need to talk to her about it. Maybe I will wait and see if she tries to do the same thing in a few weeks with what we’re doing now.
Usually, when I go in for an appointment, Linda will ask me what has been going on since our last session. Sometimes I have stuff to say, sometimes not - especially lately. I’ll just say “the same” or that things are “fine.” Then, when we don’t have something planned, she will frequently spend most of the time telling me thoughts she had from our last session or sessions before that, or bouncing ideas off of me. Usually there is no other unrelated issues bothering me. Sometimes I will be frustrated about work or like before I went to Ohio, I was upset about my parents and Katie, and we talked through those things. That was actually a good session. She was able to help me break down what was upsetting me and we went through each issue. Maybe that’s because she’s more used to dealing with family stuff? But usually, I have little to say at the beginning, and if she doesn’t ask anything, I just kind of leave it be for the session. But if I ever say “I want to talk about ...” or “Let’s do ...” or “You talk. I don’t feel like it...” she does it.
As I said, last night, she did
a good job bringing me back on track when I would go off on a tangent, and she asked a lot of questions about details. She didn’t ask a whole lot about feelings except whether I was scared at certain times, when I realized something was really not right, and what I felt when he was taking me into the park.
I may ask Linda tonight whether those kids are planning to keep the child – although I don’t think she can tell me that, right? Maybe I’ll just tell her what I thought. She has brought up out of the blue several times that she thinks I need to have a baby. She said she doesn’t know why she feels that way, but she does. She brought that up after only a couple of sessions. I don’t know. That’s quite a commitment and what if I’m a bad mother? I HAVE to work — and I live with P. She’s 65. I’m sure she doesn’t want to have to help take care of a baby. Uggh. Not an easy thing. I would maybe have to move. I don’t know how I feel – like on the one hand, I think there are probably plenty of reasons I’m not meant to be a parent. On the other hand, I love kjids, and I guess I always assumed I would have some. And I’m afraid I will really regret not having kids in the future. But I’m 41. I would be 60 when the child graduates from HS. And is it fair to purposely have or adopt a child who would not have a father? I am so torn. I went to an adoption site several months ago. I fell in love with about 6 little kids - all of whom had serious mental and physical disabilities. I don’t think that would be ideal because of the care and time and attention they would need, and a one-parent family with that parent working would not be great. But I’m totally open to any race or gender (although I would love a little boy). But then again, maybe I’m not that open to a baby at all. So confusing .....