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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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Customer Question

I think I have a problem. I'm 23, married. My husband cheated on me for the first 3 years of our relationship and then we got married a week after I found out. I tried to forgive him, thought I did, and then 8 months into the marriage I left him. I slept with someone else, and then we got back together. We keep going through a rollercoaster cycle in our relationship. We have issues, and we can't seem to work through them. I love him, he loves me, but now I have a problem. I feel like we are together, but I'm not "here". I've cheated on him a couple times since the separation, always when I feel like I've exhausted all options of marital salvation but can't end it. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think he's cheated since we've been married, but now the issue is me. What should I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

What can be done would depend on what outcome you're seeking and whether or not it is achievable by both of you.

The problem although you think it is you, is mutual. A relationship is sustained by both partners.

You've mentioned that the two of you feel love for one another. Could this be platonic love no longer being sustained by passion and trust? Do you believe that your infidelity stems from you having been hurt by him in the past and haven fallen out of love and as a result you're seeking romantic love elsewhere?

 

"We have issues, and we can't seem to work through them" Couples can have issues and in order for these to be managed, both of you would have to work on them. When you speak about these problems, are you outlining steps as to what to do differently that had not worked in the past? Communication is important in any relationship and being able to talk about these issues is essential. Talking alone would not solve these concerns and it may be helpful for each of you to own their part into the marital dynamics. After that, each person can outline some steps as to what they want from the other and how to start changing one's behaviors that had been unhealthy for the relationship.

 

This process may something that the two of you could address with a professional such as a therapist or a couple's coach. If he's not ready for this, since you were inquiring about what you can do, perhaps having one on one therapy for yourself to help you gain clarity and come up with different options about what you need.

 

It is possible that along the marriage each of your individual goals had changed as well as the mutual goals of the relationship. For example, what do you want that you feel you're not getting? Do you know what his wants and needs are? Are you both on the same page as far as in what direction do you want the marriage to progress?

Do you find yourselves having conflict about trivial things as well or only about fidelity?

 

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