My understanding is that it is cognitive behavioral therapy. (Which means nothing to me). I got the impression that she thinks that just retelling it will achieve things. However, she did
say, when I told her I thought maybe we should start doing this, that we needed to look at my feelings throughout the story, because we never have.
I don’t think she’s overwhelmed by feelings in general. I think she was just overwhelmed by my list. Because it went from my only saying “good,” “bad” or “overwhelmed” or “about to explode” to a whole page of feelings I was experiencing (some a little, some a lot). I thought we would go through it, but we didn’t.
Okay, you want to know what I think the real problem is? I hate to say it, because I really like Linda and I do think she helps me and cares. But I don’t think she can stick with anything for too long. She jumps around too much, will come up with something, we try it and when it is not an instant cure, she goes on to something else. She has stuck with some things for a while, but, for instance, when she had me “rank” the worst parts, and then we started with the least and went through them one by one. Of COURSE it was upsetting. But we were getting through it. But then she decided to stop before we even got to the “worst” list. I do understand that part of her reasoning was because the “worst” list was almost all things I did or said. She seems not to want me to think at all about those things or why I feel guilty. (Which makes no sense – it’s there. I feel it. It’s not going to just disappear). But I felt like part of that was that she got bored or wanted miraculous results or just can’t stick with anything. And there have been many other things that have happened where we start something and she just stops or never goes back to it. I don’t know if she forgets or just can’t do one thing over and over or what. But this is an issue for me, because I am very much aware that one has to stick with something to get any results and I am very much the kind of person who keeps at something until the end, generally. So it bugs the heck out of me. Again, I don’t know her reasoning . Maybe it is totally sound. But sometimes I feel like pointing out to her that if we had stuck with one or two things and seen them through, I might be in a much better position than I am now, after having gone through parts of a dozen things. You know what I mean?
I wish you had a practice here. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to leave Linda. I really feel comfortable with her and that’s rare for me with this kind of thing. But I wonder sometimes if she understands me well enough to know what might help me. But it’s too much of a risk to try to find someone else.
Also, yesterday, when I was waiting for the elevator to go downstairs to meet Linda, when it opened, there were 2 young teens holding each other in there. Kind of inappropriate public display of affection, but it was also obvious they were miserable. One of their dad’s had been chatting with me while waiting. They were probably 13 or 14. She was clearly pregnant. I wanted so bad to ask them or Linda (it was obviously her clients before me) if she intended to keep the baby or would consider letting me adopt him/her. I don’t know why I felt that way. So bizarre. But I thought abut them a lot last night. WIERD.