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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, my husband consistently lies about money. We have seperate

Customer Question

Hi, my husband consistently lies about money. We have seperate accounts. We split the bills according to what we agree the other can afford. He lies about how much his check is, and lies about paying the bills. I want to request that he just give me the money to pay bills, but I feel this would be an issue for him. I don't want him to feel that I'm trying to take his independence, but what else can I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Good morning, this is Howard,

I am sorry to hear that you're having this problem. Money often becomes an issue in marriages.

I suggest that you talk to your husband about setting up a joint bank account whose only purpose is to fund bill payments. Every time he receives his paycheck he should deposit a predetermined amount into this account so that the money will be available for bills.

I'm not sure why you're concerned that your husband will think you are trying to take his independence. It sounds like there are some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. I recommend that the two of you seek counseling with a licensed and experienced marriage and family counselor.

Please feel free to post a follow-up question if you like.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
A joint account would not help if he is lying about how much his check is, therefore he lies about how much he can afford to contribute to bills. This will not work.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Your husband's issues with lying to you about money has made it very difficult for you to find a way to deal with the finances. Although you do not want to infringe on his independence with his money, he is showing you that he is not able to handle his own money or the household money.

 

This issue needs broken down into two parts. The first part is the money issues themselves. If your husband is lying about how much he makes and what he can afford to contribute to the household, then that leaves you to deal with the bills on your own or make up the difference that he is being dishonest about. Your choice is to either let this go on, which you have said is an issue for you, or to take action. Your husband is not addressing this issue and does not seem willing to (I'm assuming you have talked with him about it and he hasn't improved). So setting down some new rules is a good idea. Letting him know that you need to take over paying the bills and he has to give you X amount of dollars each month is very reasonable. It is not uncommon for one partner in a relationship to handle the bills and ask for a set amount. And you will set aside any extra for the next month so this is fair. If it helps, tell your husband that you will go over the bills with him each month so he is fully informed of what you are doing.

 

The second issue here is why your husband is lying to you. It sounds like he has an issue with being open and honest, which is not good for your marriage. Not only does it undermine the trust between you, which is vital for your relationship to grow, but it also creates hostility between you. It also gives you the message that your husband either does not trust you, or he is too immature to handle his own money.

 

Let your husband know that you would like to resolve this issue because it is hurting your marriage. Talk to him about seeing a counselor together to address this issue. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

If your husband refuses to go, go to therapy without him. You need the support to find a way to address this issue.

 

Also, learn more about why someone lies. It may help you pinpoint what is going on with your husband and find better ways to talk with him:

 

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier

 

The Truth About Lying: Why and How We All Do It and What to Do About It by Gini Graham Scott

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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