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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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I have been married 19 years and all those years I have not

Resolved Question:

I have been married 19 years and all those years I have not been happy. My husband only married me to look after him. He has proved this because of the way he has treated me. I have felt more like a housemaid, there is n o closeness no affection, we have not shared the same bedroom for about 15 years. He treats me like a child sometimes telling me I should listen to him he knows best, XXXXX XXXXX get a lecture if I forget to do something.
My big problem is now that his health has deteriorated, he has heart problems and is legally blind and I have become his carer. Therefore I am trapped. He says he has had a mild stroke and is in pain and cannot use his right arm very good or is right side, but will not consult a doctor, he says if I get someone to look at him he will deny he is sick.
It is all getting to me, I feel I shall explode one day and say or do something I will regret. What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

You are in a very tough position and I feel for you.

CoachJenK :

after 19 years of being unhappy it seems as if you are getting closer to taking care of yourself!

CoachJenK :

I am here with you.

Customer:

I only wish I could be on my own an I know I can take care of myself very well, but I would feel very guilty on leaving his alone

CoachJenK :

yes and i understand that and it is so hard because then it comes down to who gets taken care of less...if you stay it is all for him and no caretaking of you and if you leave you feel guilty.

CoachJenK :

Does he use his ailments as a way to get you to stay?

Customer:

I would like to move nearer to my son & his family where I would feel I had support but He has, my husband that is, always gone against me having any support.

Customer:

Yes I beleive he does

CoachJenK :

and that is abusive...keeping you isolated from your support system. What does your son say about it?

Customer:

I once said I was leaving and he told me he had only 2 years to live, that was about 14 years ago

Customer:

My son gets very annoyed and says I should leave

CoachJenK :

he has really got you tied up in this and he knows you will stay when he pulls that. is there a way to take care of yourself in this? Tell me what you want...YOU. not him.YOU. it has been 19 years of him. I want to hear " I want...

Customer:

I want to start a life near my family alone b ut I fear that will never happen

CoachJenK :

and it wont happen why?

Customer:

Because I have not got the courage to leave and the guilt

CoachJenK :

and I am not asking these questions because I am dumb...I am asking because I want you to get it all out

CoachJenK :

ok good now we are getting to it. It souds to me that his abuse has robbed you of your strength and courage

CoachJenK :

you have the strength of your son

CoachJenK :

have you thought of some face to face counseling where you could get the support and strenght you need to finally living your life for yourself?

Customer:

But what will happen to my husband if I leave?

CoachJenK :

I dont know that but it would be important that all those angles are looked at and care set up for him.

CoachJenK :

it may even be that if he sees you are serious that he may step up and do something for himself and get the help he needs

CoachJenK :

right now he knows he has you locked i this pattern of abuse

Customer:

Yes he does and he can get very nasty if I try to complain

CoachJenK :

exactly. I can say this clearly.

CoachJenK :

You are in an abusive relationship and you need the support so you can feel strength in any decision you make

CoachJenK :

would you consider counseling for yourself?

Customer:

Yes

CoachJenK :

could you stay with your son for a weekend to see how it feels?

CoachJenK :

ok so where in Australia are you located? i can try and help yu look for someone. you need this support and deserve it.

Customer:

Yes I think so, but I know what will happen, he will say he cannot manage on his own for more than a few hours

Customer:

I am in Loxton South Australia

CoachJenK :

then have your son set up some care for him while you take a break?

CoachJenK :

Ok, let me look for a moment. I am still here in the chat with you while I look

CoachJenK :

Is this close to you? http://westleedervillecounselling.com.au/

Customer:

I dont know

CoachJenK :

can you look at the site while we arei the chat and see if it is close enough to you?

Customer:

There is a carer support system in Loxton they may have a councillor Yes I will look it up

CoachJenK :

Ok that is a good place for you to start but you need more than career support as you need the support of someone who works with relationships, abuse, etc.

CoachJenK :

I want you to feel as strong as possible...it is impossible to make any kind of decision when you are not feeling strong and that is why i suggest the extra support

CoachJenK :

but to take a day or two for yourself while getting him care may also be a well deserved break for you in the short term

Customer:

OK, thankyou I will do what you say. It is good to talk to someone who is understanding

CoachJenK :

I am here to support you and I want you to feel good in the world and am saddened by how tough things have been for you.

CoachJenK :

Its not an easy or fast decision

CoachJenK :

and you need to be clear on whatever decision feels right for you

CoachJenK :

rely on your son for support...come back and request me anytime.

CoachJenK :

please call the cousneling center because even if they arent close they can refer you to someone close by

CoachJenK :

you eed it

Customer:

Thankyou I will

CoachJenK :

need it

CoachJenK :

please click accept if I have been helpful

CoachJenK :

please take care of yourself

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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