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Reply4/30/2012 at 11:59 PM (2 hours and 24 minutes and 12 seconds later)Kate- I forgot to respond about what you said about how I was in court this morning. I guess it could be any of those things. I don't know. I think it is partially because I was/am really tired. Maybe, too, because I've been and am so frustrated but this was something I could kind of do something about. And although it likely irritated the judge, it was more socially acceptable than sitting at my desk in tears or yelling at people that aren't here or hiring random things. And it turned out to be effective, although that's not the kind of attorney I want to be. I was thinking that maybe it was because I need to take control of what I can. I was pretty impatient at the office today too. But it occurs to me that how I was acting wasn't on control - it was out of control. Why do you think?? Oh - and I meant to tell you, when I was telling you I spoke to my parents - they called me again yesterday. My mom was telling me thaty cousin decided where to go to get her doctorate (she's 22 and brilliant - getting her Phd in some kind of micro-engineering). My mom was telling me that their family was taking a week to settle her in. I commented that that was nice, considering my mom didn't even come to take me to undergrad, let alone either of them help meivw to law school, and my dad didn't even stay for any of the parents stuff for undergrad. She said "yes I did". I had to get my dad to back me up on it. She said "wow. I wasn't being a very good mother.". I thought that was interesting. Also- I sent Lp's wife an email telling her thanks for being play with me coming back. She never responded. But she did send me a bday card. That's something, isn't it? I can deal if she goes back to her old ways. But it would be so much nicer to get at least a honeymoon period with her. Okay ... I'm sorry I'm babbling. I guess I just wanted to talk. A little nervous about going to bed. But I guess I better try. I can't afford another night with little sleep. So. Goodnight. :)
It sounds like what happened in court is in direct response to how you are feeling about what you are going through. You mentioned a number of times how you felt your feelings were out of your control and that you wanted to find a way to manage what you were feeling, or even shut off your feelings for a while (If I recall, you didn't say that directly, but indirectly). Add to that your anticipation of the therapy session last night and you may have been looking for a way to find some kind of control. And like you said, you did not want to sit in your office and feel upset. So this was an alternative- controlling your environment and winning your case. It's nothing to worry about. You won't start becoming a tyrant in the court room! It is most likely just a temporary way to cope with all the overwhelming feelings you had.
That is very interesting about what your mother said! Good for you for pointing it out to her. She needs to know that your feelings about your childhood are quite different than hers. And it is also good that she admitted to it, even though it took your father backing you up, it still shows she will admit when she did something wrong.
I sure hope LP's wife is not going to pick up where she left off. But you sound like you know how to handle it if she does!
I understand that it would be hard to start your therapy session. It's not an easy topic to just launch into. It would take some time to find your footing. I'm glad that you told Linda you wanted to work on your feelings at the same time you told your story. To have to go through it twice is only going to traumatize you again. And if you are doing well with your feelings, then going through this once is going to be enough because you will be able to add your feelings as you go.
Does Linda understand what you were saying about your defenses and her helping you to confront them? She may not. Although any defenses you have would be natural, you are aware that you could push Linda away or use other defenses that would hinder your progress. Hopefully, she would spot them and help you to recognize them and work through them.
It sounds like Linda helped you a lot during your session to keep you from feeling too overwhelmed and upset. That is great. I know you were concerned about everything feeling too overwhelming and being a repeat of the EMDR experience.
I never thought about the two guys being brothers either. Was there anything about them that made you think that?
I hope you had a good night!
You have mentioned a few times in the past that Linda doesn't tend to push you when you put up defenses. I was not sure if that means she doesn't want to push, or that she doesn't recognize that you are putting up defenses. If she doesn't want to push, it could be part of her personality to not confront others. Or it could be that the type of therapy she practices she doesn't think pushing helps. Not recognizing the defenses, though, is a whole other issue. It depends very much on her training and experience as to what she knows about defenses. But I cannot imagine that she is not familiar with them. It is standard that therapists all study the different theories of psychology, and defenses are part of Freud's theory. A therapist who has not studied Freud is like a car mechanic that does not know where the engine is!
You can ask Linda to be sure to check in with you about your feelings as you work through your story. She should already be asking you what you feel at different times to keep you in touch with your emotions. When I work with someone, I ask several times during the session what they are feeling, especially if they are talking about something intense or painful. It helps the person recognize what affects them and their reaction to it. And it helps them learn to cope with their emotions in a safe environment. You could ask Linda tonight and see how she plans on making sure you are aware of how you feel during your sessions.
If you push her away, she should be responding in some way. Shutting off is not going to help you. You may want to ask about this and tell her that you tend to defend yourself by pushing back and need to know how you both can address this in therapy. And tell her what you need. It's ok to say "When I get upset about how I feel, I push away emotionally. I need you to ......." Then fill in what you think will work. Again, this is something she should be picking up on herself but for whatever reason you don't feel it's there (which is good that you recognize!). So talking about it and settling what is needed now will prevent you from missing key parts of therapy.
I'm glad that you sleep well and that you are not as anxious about tonight. The sleep will help you cope better.