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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My gf of 4 years was recently diagnoised with MS and is angry

Resolved Question:

My gf of 4 years was recently diagnoised with MS and is angry at life. She told me she feels cheated and didn't know what the next 5 years will bring. She told me that when we started dating she was not sick and that I did not sign up for the MS battle. I told her the day she was told, that I would be there for her no matter what, we had been dating for 3.5 years by then. I told her she was depressed and should seek help, she went to a theripist and after a session, the theripist told her that she seemed to already know what to do and asked what would happen if she continued dating me, she said she would end up hating me and didn't want that. She told me that she wanted to get out and start to find out what will make her happy. I dont get it. I had no clue. No fights nothing. I know she was mad at having MS, but I told her I was there for her and meant it. I do love her with all my heart and she had told me that she has never been in love like this before in the past. So ????
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

This is extremely sad to hear and so painful for you

CoachJenK :

This is common unfortunately...where a major diagnosis throws one into a terrible state of depression, anger and questions of why me.

Customer:

I know

CoachJenK :

Is she still seeing her therapist hopefully?

CoachJenK :

She is dealing with so much now and is scared and feels like being alone is better and feeling like she doesnt want to put you through all that comes with MS

CoachJenK :

and even though you have shown her you will be there for her no matter what she is not able to take that in as of yet

Customer:

Only the one time, she's on methadone for the pain. Her routine is work Sun-Thur, Avonix shot on Friday night, sick all day saturday and back to work on Sunday. She told me that this isn't the lifestyle she wanted and is pissed off at everything and everybody.

Customer:

She told me that she wants to be alone to see if she can find happiness, I thought we were happy I had no clue

CoachJenK :

and that is an unbelievable load to bear...

Customer:

yes it is. but I was and am willing to stand by her side and help anyway I can. What should I do.

CoachJenK :

she is grieving right now and needs the space to go through that grieving process..does that make sense?

CoachJenK :

yes and she knows that and that, believe it or not make her feel worse because she doesnt want you to ahve to go through it

CoachJenK :

so what to do...give her the space she needs but letting her know that you are not giving up and you are with her....you validate all of her feelings and desires but you love her and are with her.

CoachJenK :

to me it sounds like she just needs some time on her own to recover from this earth shattering news

Customer:

kinda, but only 2 weeks ago we discussed getting married and a future. I know around x-mas time one of her family members is planning a wedding in the near future (1 month) and she was was upset because she didn't think the MS would allow her that.

CoachJenK :

she is scared and so are you

CoachJenK :

because she knows that it is a debilitating illness and from one day to the next things can be unpredictable

CoachJenK :

she is trying to protect you even though you dont want that

Customer:

Very, she was everything to me. I cared and still do very deeply about her. Is she pushing me away because of the MS and why would she tell the theropist that if she stayed with me she would hate me and didn

Customer:

''t want that.

CoachJenK :

so you need to get the support too.

CoachJenK :

this may sound odd but because she might feel jealous of you being healthy

CoachJenK :

does that make sense?

Customer:

Do I just give her the space and leave the communication lines open. She told me that she is getting a new cell phone and will give me the number as soon as she gets it.

CoachJenK :

kind of like why do you get to be healthy and why did she get this illness

Customer:

I thought that also.

CoachJenK :

I am sure you have done a ton of research but also wanted to give you this resource which is very extensive.http://www.msif.org/en/resources/msif_resources/msif_publications/ms_in_focus/issue_3_family/what_is_it_about.html

Customer:

Her family told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her even with out age differences. All of our friends could tell we were deeply in love.

CoachJenK :

so she needs time to work though her feelings and her process and it is devastating for you and it is unclear where she will end up

CoachJenK :

and she is which is why she may be doing this

Customer:

is she writing me off to protect me?

CoachJenK :

it sounds like that is a very strong possibility

CoachJenK :

and right now her anger over the illness doesnt allow her to take in anything else

Customer:

Is it fixable

CoachJenK :

hard to know at this point...I am being as honest as possible. It depends on how she is able to work through her feelings and how she copes living with this illness. REassurance from you could be helpful

CoachJenK :

but at the same time you need to be taking care of you.

CoachJenK :

you have both suffered a loss here

Customer:

I've told her that, I told her she is the one with the diagnois, but I also suffer with her MS. I have always been there for her and will continue to do so. I'm giving her space, and she told me that she wants to find out if "I" really make her happy. I think she feels she's is missing or gonna be missing "fun". She wants to go out and drink with friends, hang out and do stuff. She told me that she doesn't want to date, just wants to get out and forget.

Customer:

Does that make sense?

CoachJenK :

it makes perfect sense and if you can tolerate that desire in her and let her do it then it might help.

CoachJenK :

If you cant and you need to take care of yourself and leave the relationship then we can talk about that.

Customer:

I can, I have never told her she couldn't do that stuff, I only wanted to make sure she didn't get hurt by drinking and driving. I'm an ex-cop and have seen the worst.

CoachJenK :

you sound like a lovely gentleman

Customer:

thank you

CoachJenK :

so let her know you support her in what she needs to do, you are there for her, want to be with her and love her.

CoachJenK :

and then let it be for a bit but get yourself some support by reading up on the illness to. Start with the link I gave above

Customer:

I've told her that when she said she was angry. I told her that I support her in whatever she does, and if she needed the space I'd give it. I told her that her happiness was what mattered and that I would be there for her no matter what.

Customer:

I will

CoachJenK :

and you are doing all that you can

CoachJenK :

and time will tell where she ends up with things

CoachJenK :

she might just need to act out a bit and get it out of her system to come back and realize that she wants you as her support system

Customer:

Ok, I know she is the one making the decision once she figures things out.

CoachJenK :

and that is also hard for you because you feel out of control and that is an awful feeling

CoachJenK :

but that is how she feels now with this diagnosis

Customer:

Is the MS responsible for her feeling that she cannot find happiness no matter what?

CoachJenK :

it may be getting this diagnosis for sure that makes her question everything in her life...the world and her body as she knew it is not what it was

CoachJenK :

that is life altering

CoachJenK :

for both of you

CoachJenK :

ms affects all involved

CoachJenK :

if you feel you could benefit from therapy around this i would suggest that too

Customer:

that is true. I think she just wants to hash life out and figure where she is gonna be in the next five years. that seems to be the "majic" number she quotes me all the time.

CoachJenK :

this site is for caregivers and although she has ended things for now you are still a caregiver http://www.mslifelines.com/pages/wellness-and-ms/caregivers

CoachJenK :

I think you have a great understanding of things...doesnt make it any less painful.

Customer:

ok, I know her and know that she truly loves me as I her.l She knows that and told me that the separation hurts, but she had to breakup to find out what she wanted to do and if I was going to be a part of her life. I think she was worried that if she depended on me that I'd bail as so many other people in her family have let her down. I assured her I wasn't quitting on her and would give her the space and time to sort things out.

CoachJenK :

That is perfect and you are very insightful about it all. you can come here anytime and request me to talk again.

CoachJenK :

If you have found me to be helpful please click accept

Customer:

ok, thanks this has been very helpful. I was hurting and loosing my mind, I was worried sick about her. Now I will just give her the space she has requested and see what life throws our way.

CoachJenK :

I am so glad you feel stronger

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime

Customer:

Will do. Bye.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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