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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I get angry when I interpret something my husband says as meaning

Resolved Question:

I get angry when I interpret something my husband says as meaning I am not as worthy of a wife as I should be. In particular I tend to go back to when I met him and he was mourning and lamenting the breakup of his marriage three yrs prior. I find myself easily triggered and angry, thinking he still wishes he had his family back, including ex wife. I would like for him to acknowledge and understand how much he cried in front of me about losing his ex, how she did no wrong, etc. anyway, when he comments that I should be doing this or that, I interpret it to mean I don't measure up to his last wife. Can you help me?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 4 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Customer: Tis is very convenient
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am here to support y.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have been facing these painful feelings.

Customer: So what's your suggestion on how to stop doing something you think is stupid and childish?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been married and how long ago did you start feeling this way?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First I just to make sure I understand your situation in the right way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are stating that this is not about your husband being too judgmental or pushy, criticizing you all the time and comparing you to his ex-wife but more a subjective experience associating everything to yoru fears about his past marriage and family, right?

Customer: Married three and a half years, always felt this way. Better now, though. Still I get triggered. When I first met him he was still crying over his ex, even though he was divorced three years. Maybe it was the loss of his family that made him cry the most. Yet he was still angry about the loss. Even meeting and falling in love with me wasn't enough to make him forget about the past.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then what you are depicting here talks a bout a sensitive man who truly attached to his family, fuled high expectations about it and was having a very hard time grieving and coming to terms with the fact it ended.

Customer: I used to scream, "why don't you go back to her?". And he would say, "Because she doesn't love me.". Mostly I'm over it. But I still get very angry when he suggests I'm not doing enough as his wife.
Customer: Right, you are right, he is sensitive.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does he say things like that often and do you see he is being to demanding and pushy about you , expecting too much from you?

Customer: Honestly, no. He is very good and kind and committed and loving. It's me easily triggered suddenly over a simple comment.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, thank you.

Customer: Like if I do a lot then he might say something like I forgot to pick up my shoes, just an example.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it seems that indeed this is a very subjective experience based also on a very sensitive area in you, getting easily triggered and overreacting to simple no-malicious comments or statements he does.

Customer: I feel I carry most of the weight around the house. I earn six times his salary. I hate it being suggested that I don't do enough. Then I feel extremely insecure, like I will never be good enough.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Oh, then besides that it is also true that he could be expecting too much or not acknowledging everything you do and how much effort you put on things, what fueld your frustration and fears.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does he works as much and as hard as you do or even more?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Apparently it is both, your fears and insecurities base don his high attachment to his past marriage and family and his lack of satisfaction and demanding more attitude what feeds this issue.

Customer: If he is critical in the least, I revert back to " he never had a single complaint about his previous wife. I guess I will never measure up.". Now, as I write this, I think it's really ridiculous and I cannot figure out why I do this, except that he cried about his ex, and also that I never felt worthy as a wife since I was 13 yrs old. So where do I begin to get rid of this delusion?
Customer: No, in my experience men generally do not work as hard as women.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your words here and the feelings they express, I would say that you need to work on yourself and core fears behind this behaviors in order to be able to eradicate them and improve the way you feel and share in your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Professional individual counselings the best resource for people to work at this level.

Customer: Yep. Also, I think you are right that he had a high attachment to his previous marriage.
Customer: Ok, thank you. I was hoping it was. Ore instantaneous.
Customer: Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX been helpful and direct. Much appreciated!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe it is the presence of both group of issues what lead to present situation, that's why it is wise to consider individual counseling to work on the personal level and then marriage counseling to promote further closeness, openness, intimacy and understanding in mutual ways between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

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