I hope my heart can sustain the fight, and avoid the obstacles along the way...
thank you for all your understanding, it means so much to me. He will never know how he really made me feel, I can't tell him any more. He makes me feel bad, but I can't be honest about all my feelings, he doesn't need to know for me to push forth. He wants marriage counselling. What should I do? Tell him if he wants it to arrange it, and we'll go (I doubt he'll make the call himself), or should I be seen to be making an effort. Will a MGC try to fix us, or will he/she see that things are irreparable, and help it go the other way more easily? Maybe I could give a background before we go so that I don't struggle too much. It would be terrible if it went the same way as the SW visit, and it was all put back onto me and fms.
Oh, I don't think I told you. When the SW had spoken to D in the morning she did
some online research, and when she spoke to Sam, gave him a web address for the Fms UK site, and the number of a local support group. D had convinced her that I needed fms support. I wasn't best pleased that she thought a)that was the problem, period, and b) that she didn't give me credit for having done any research myself.
As I was talking to D yesterday, telling him I'd like a divorce, he told me I didn't need to be like my sisters, getting married, then moving on. I agree, my sister Helen has been married and divorced twice, the second time a big mistake (a Ghanaian who used and abused her), but the first was sad
. My other sister has 'lived' with someone, years ago, and left him bc they were not compatible , but what is the problem there? Thinking about this statement of his later I thought about his mother, 3 different fathers for her 5 children, and divorced from D's father before marrying for the last time. I told him it had taken a lot of hard headwork to come to this point, it's not something I'm taking lightly.
it's Bank Holiday Monday (Spring BH) today. D is working!!!! Sam had gone to help him. Poppy is with her bf, I'm home alone. My parents came for coffee. I showed them the letter that my attorney had sent to D, and I told them everything that has happened since the letter was presented to him. They are concerned about the property again, how much value I should have vs D. I wish we didn't live here sometimes, it is making it all too complicated. I will need to please everyone here, when all I want to do is be free. My parents were saying maybe we could sell the paddock when we no longer have the ponies, so I guess that will be a step in the right direction. Maybe I could get a valuer out to tell us what we have here.
I said I wouldn't, but I just want it wound up quickly- I have done D's accounts except for the current invoices. All the receipts are now in order, and the invoices that he hadn't done a year ago (but had been paid) I've just run off on the computer (made them up!! The accountant won't care, so long as they tally with the books. The less interaction with D the better!) I've been thinking about removing my name from his accounts now so that I CAN'T do anything more for him. And, while he's still here, which may be some time yet (in fact I can see him becoming a lodger :( groan), I will ask for a weekly contribution to the household bills. I'll tell him later. I need some strength for that....
I am blessed to have your support and attention. You will never really know the difference you have made to me, but I'm glad you can see the changes that you have helped to bring about. :)
Back in a while