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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5420
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer Question

Hey Kate###################
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Your heart is leading you to good places, Rose.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I hope my heart can sustain the fight, and avoid the obstacles along the way...

Hi Kate,

thank you for all your understanding, it means so much to me. He will never know how he really made me feel, I can't tell him any more. He makes me feel bad, but I can't be honest about all my feelings, he doesn't need to know for me to push forth. He wants marriage counselling. What should I do? Tell him if he wants it to arrange it, and we'll go (I doubt he'll make the call himself), or should I be seen to be making an effort. Will a MGC try to fix us, or will he/she see that things are irreparable, and help it go the other way more easily? Maybe I could give a background before we go so that I don't struggle too much. It would be terrible if it went the same way as the SW visit, and it was all put back onto me and fms.

Oh, I don't think I told you. When the SW had spoken to D in the morning she did some online research, and when she spoke to Sam, gave him a web address for the Fms UK site, and the number of a local support group. D had convinced her that I needed fms support. I wasn't best pleased that she thought a)that was the problem, period, and b) that she didn't give me credit for having done any research myself.

As I was talking to D yesterday, telling him I'd like a divorce, he told me I didn't need to be like my sisters, getting married, then moving on. I agree, my sister Helen has been married and divorced twice, the second time a big mistake (a Ghanaian who used and abused her), but the first was sad. My other sister has 'lived' with someone, years ago, and left him bc they were not compatible , but what is the problem there? Thinking about this statement of his later I thought about his mother, 3 different fathers for her 5 children, and divorced from D's father before marrying for the last time. I told him it had taken a lot of hard headwork to come to this point, it's not something I'm taking lightly.

it's Bank Holiday Monday (Spring BH) today. D is working!!!! Sam had gone to help him. Poppy is with her bf, I'm home alone. My parents came for coffee. I showed them the letter that my attorney had sent to D, and I told them everything that has happened since the letter was presented to him. They are concerned about the property again, how much value I should have vs D. I wish we didn't live here sometimes, it is making it all too complicated. I will need to please everyone here, when all I want to do is be free. My parents were saying maybe we could sell the paddock when we no longer have the ponies, so I guess that will be a step in the right direction. Maybe I could get a valuer out to tell us what we have here.

I said I wouldn't, but I just want it wound up quickly- I have done D's accounts except for the current invoices. All the receipts are now in order, and the invoices that he hadn't done a year ago (but had been paid) I've just run off on the computer (made them up!! The accountant won't care, so long as they tally with the books. The less interaction with D the better!) I've been thinking about removing my name from his accounts now so that I CAN'T do anything more for him. And, while he's still here, which may be some time yet (in fact I can see him becoming a lodger :( groan), I will ask for a weekly contribution to the household bills. I'll tell him later. I need some strength for that....

I am blessed to have your support and attention. You will never really know the difference you have made to me, but I'm glad you can see the changes that you have helped to bring about. :)

Back in a while

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are very welcome Rose! It's a privilege to be here for you.

 

You will be able to sustain this fight and all it takes. You are very different now and have great insight. It is too hard to go back from that. You may falter some, but not for long. And you have so many people around you, helping you fight this fight. You are not alone. Lean on all of us when you feel it's too hard. That is what I'm here for.

 

It's really up to you if you feel you can work through all the past with Dave through Marriage Counseling. If you get a good therapist, they will see the dynamic between you and Dave. And they will work on whatever you and Dave wish. If you go in saying you want to fix the marriage, that is what they will do. It depends very much on the motivation you have and Dave has as to whether or not you should go, though. From what you have told me, you feel there is little to no chance that you want to ever be with Dave again. And if he is not even motivated enough to make the phone call to get help, that is not a good sign right there. Making you do it for him, even though it's his idea and he is the one who needs help is just perpetuating the same abusive cycle as always. He wants, you provide.

 

I don't want to discourage you, though. If you feel in any way that this is what you want, then it's worth it. But if Dave is the only one who wants it, then it's not going to work. And why does Dave want it? So he can say he tried and you are the problem? Or so he can tell the counselor you have issues and he can be supported as the victim here? Or is he truly willing to see he has issues and wants to change? Motivation can make a big difference.

 

And what you saw Dave do with the social worker might be exactly what he does with the marriage therapist. It's all your fault and you need fixed. He is perfect and does nothing wrong.

 

Dave pointing out that you don't want to be like your sister's is a way to try to make you feel guilty. How about his past relationship? He separated and moved on, leaving a child behind. All he is trying to do here is make you feel bad so he doesn't lose what he has. You may want to try to ignore those types of comments from now on. If you can, walk away when he starts to try to make you feel bad. If he tries to stop you, tell him you don't want to hear it. Keep it simple and quick. You have just as much right to not hear it as Dave has to say it.

 

Taking your name off Dave's accounts is a great idea! It separates you even more and makes your point clearer to him.

 

I really hope you do not have to have him stay in the home with you. Do you feel selling the whole thing will help? Maybe you could live somewhere temporarily until the kids are done with school. Then you can move on to where you want to be. Just a thought.

 

See you in a bit!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5420
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

I am feeling very down beat this evening. I haven't hurt this much in a long while, and my energy levels are zero. I've had a quiet day with no-one here, but now i am really really struggling.

Sam had a good day working with D laboring, and has earned some pocket money. He is hoping D will be able to give him a day or two each week during the summer holiday. That will be good for them both.

I told D that I'd like him to contribute financially to the house, and asked for £100 per week. He went off to his room, and came back with £520 cash for me. I thanked him. I said are you watching your bank accounts, don't you think you need to pay them some attention. I reminded him that I am having nothing to do with them anymore, they are totally his responsibility, he needs to check his bank statements, and pay the bills (2 of which are long overdue, and his builder's merchants credit will be frozen if he doesn't pay up. The letter will arrive any day now.)

I asked D again tonight if he had looked for anywhere to live, he said no of course not, it's ridiculous, I'm not going anywhere. All that money will be wasted on rent. And I like seeing the dogs everyday, I love our animals. As he was telling me this he was waggling his head about to give emphasis to what he was saying. I thought he looked silly, I couldn't help myself, I don't mimic people ever, but I did this moment. He said your mad, look at you, I couldn't leave the children with you when you're mad. I said what do you want to stay with me for when I'm mad? He said we need to get you better.

I told him I had recorded him one night when he was really drunk, I could show him what he sounds like when he's been drinking. He was NOT happy that I had recorded him, said it was sly and underhand. I said no-one else has heard it, I just needed it to remind myself of what he is like. He said that person has gone, has been exorcised, he will not come back. I said those words make no difference, I need you to go. He left the room, we haven't spoken since.

I couldn't bear MGC, it won't be real, and there are lots of feelings (intimate, as I described yesterday for example) that I wouldn't want D to know about, bc it would hurt him too much, especially in front of a therapist. I find individual therapy difficult enough, I think MGC would be terrifying, and almost impossible for me to take part in. D will see a very different side to me, and he will be even firmer in his belief that I am crazy.

I collected Poppy from her bf's this evening. She asked me on our way home if Dad had found anywhere to live yet. I told her everything that I was happy for her to hear that has gone on between us this weekend, and that he is still refusing to go. She said, but I thought the letter said he HAD to go? I said it does. She said What happens next then, if he won't go? I said there is a court order that will make him leave, but that is very expensive. She said, of course he doesn't want to go, but he has to, what will you do now. I said I'll speak to my lawyer again; that I have told him I don't want to be married to him anymore, that I want to get a divorce. Poppy was totally accepting of everything I was telling her, and held my hand when I offered it to her. She told me there was a house in the town where her bf lives, it would be cool if he was to live there, she'd like to visit him there!!

Time for sleep. I don't like this jam i'm wading in. I bet your peach jam would do me better.

Goodnight my friend,

Rosex


Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Feeling bad, real bad, sick, stuck, not in control. How will I cope, how will I get through, it's too hard, I keep seeing myself falling down, never feeling better, always in depression, not able to lighten up, bc he makes it so dark for me, just his presence in the house, shut away in his room watching You Tube. I'm messed up. Not.In.Control. :"( The kids, doing as they please, too late to bed, I have no energy to keep rules, he doesn't care, no order in this house, maybe he is right, maybe I am not fit to keep the kids.

Sorry. Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Sleep. Got my rabbit.

Talk tomorrow. Don't like Tuesdays. R
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It sounds like Dave is trying to manipulate you. He is playing the "I'm perfect, you are the one that is crazy" card. This is very typical of an abuser and how they try to blame the healthy person in the situation with being "crazy" because they cannot accept that they are really the ones who are to blame. Plus, he is refusing to leave, which may be causing you to feel as you do right now.

 

Listening to him is only going to make it worse. He knows he still can manipulate you because you respond to him. When you argue with him and give him the response he is looking for, he thinks he is winning. That is not to say you are to blame. You are not, in any way. This is all because of him. But when you respond, he gets what he wants. He gets to know that he is getting to you and knows how to push your buttons.

 

The next time he tries to say anything personally about you, walk away. If you can't get away, say "I've heard this before". Keep repeating it until he stops. By doing this, you will gain power back in the situation. Right now, he is trying to take the power away from you by refusing to leave and calling you crazy. But keeping yourself from getting emotionally upset by him, he loses his power.

 

The back and forth between you will only make you feel worse. There is no way to win with Dave. He is too good at manipulation and hurting you. The only way to gain back ground for yourself is to stick with business only. Only speak to him when you have to and only about necessary arrangements.

 

Since he refuses to leave, you may have to do as Poppy suggested and get legal assistance to remove him. Or if he does go off again, you can get the police to remove him. Either way, getting him out is a priority. Because as long as he stays, he will try to make you miserable. And he will keep rubbing it in your face that he does not have to leave. By taking action, you can help yourself feel better.

 

Try to not take in what Dave says. It is not true. You are not crazy, mad or too sick. That is just his way of getting the attention off how you want him out and back on to blaming you. He is sick, not you. Remember, he is the abuser. You are not.

 

I hope you have a good night, Rose. You will feel better. Hang in there.

 

You are in my thoughts,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5420
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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