Smart man ;)
Rose, you are never boring to me, ever! And being in a jam is normal in your situation, as it is in many situations. It's part of growing and moving forward with what you are going through. Recovering and changing your life is not like a freight train, just one track and a speeding locomotive. It's full of stops and starts, and some backwards motions. All very normal. Plus, I just enjoy talking with you. You are a great person, interesting and thoughtful, open and compassionate. I could not imagine not being here for you.
It is very interesting that Dave is suddenly open to talking with you. He now wants to do what he has not done for so long, pay attention to someone besides himself. He wants to step up and do the things he was supposed to do all along. But yet even as he expresses those feelings, he still finds ways to blame you. For one, you are at fault for not bringing this all up before. But when you did, he abused you. So what were you supposed to do? And now the home is his dream, one that he shows no interest in taking care of or paying for. It sounds like it may be his dream, as long as he has you to pay for everything and fix everything. In other words, you have to take full responsibility while he enjoys his "dream".
Even more interesting- he tells you to "lighten up" and blames this on your depression. But what he doesn't seem to notice is that his behavior causes you to feel as you do and now you want to do something about it. It's like he sees only what he wants to see. And doesn't want to take responsibility for the things that are actually his fault. It's a sign that he is not ready to really address what is happening.
Did he ever tell you why he left his previous relationship? Was it the same reasons as in your relationship or something else?
It sounds like you are very aware of your feelings and are being open with Dave about them. You know that you don't love him anymore and that any feelings you might have had were taken away by his actions. He has not encouraged any feelings you could have had for him either. He has done all he could to get rid of any possible love between the two of you. And if he does love you, it's a self centered kind of love. More of what you can do for him rather than a selfless love like you deserve.
Do you have to go to the concert today? If not, maybe you could stay home. You are in the middle of your marriage breaking up and no one should expect you to be in the same place as Dave more than you have to during this difficult time.
I'm sorry, Rose. This is a tough thing to work through. I can hear in your voice how heavy this is weighing on you and I admire how strong you are to keep at it. Your determination is something to see!
The Pooh picture is perfect! I think from now on it's going to be an image I always associate with us. It makes me smile.
I could not agree more with your feelings about your marriage and your hopes and dreams. What about you, indeed. In all the time you and I have known each other, I have never thought you a selfish person. All the actions you have taken, the things you have gone through, and the worries and concerns, all of your actions have been about caring for others. Your aunt, your jobs, your parents and the kids. You base everything on what others need. And the biggest concern you have had is Dave. Making sure he gets what he needs and that he is happy. And he is. Totally, in his own little world. No responsibilities, no worries. You pay the bills, do the work and watch out for the kids. He plays, sleeps and drinks. And when you want your own happiness, he calls you selfish. That is some transference he has going on there!
You are absolutely right, Rose. You have gained too much insight, you know too much to go back to how things were before. The Rose that accepted her lot in life and made everyone happy at the cost of her own health no longer exists. You have moved too far ahead to go back. Going back now would be like being at the ocean and ignoring the water. It's just not possible.
Rose, I am so so sorry that you had to go through such horrible experiences with Dave. He should have never treated you so badly during sex or blamed your reaction on you afterwards. You were hurting physically and emotionally because of how he treated you. And it was rape. You had been assaulted. All he had to do instead was be understanding. Of course if he was, you would have never felt that way in the first place. No wonder you feel as you do about him.
You are realizing more and more each day and this will be your strength in the coming days. Your insight is amazing and it keeps growing. It's layer after layer being added each day. This is why you will not go back or falter.
I hope you sleep better tonight. I wish you did have the melatonin available to you. You may want to try beer hoppes. They don't have any alcohol in them. Aspirin may help temporarily (soothes the sympathic nervous system) and cinnamon can help too. You may know these things but if not, you may want to try them. I'll keep searching for more ideas and if I find any I'll pass them on.
I'm here for anytime, Rose. I say that all time, but I mean it. I am glad to be here to offer support and be a part of this transformation in your life. And I'm honored that you share it with me.
Good night, dear Rose. I hope your night is peaceful and without worries.