Dear dear Kate,
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX times. I have thought about your post all morning. The kids are both out. I asked D if he had talked to Barry, his musician friend, about the letter. He said no, he hadn't talked to anyone about it, but he had said to him that things were not good at home. I said maybe he should, Barry might be able to offer him a roof, or have some ideas for him. He said NO, no, I'm not going, I've talked to the kids, and they don't understand what your problem is, they say it's fine living with him. What did
he expect them to say if he asked them?
He's just come in my room. He says he has set himself targets, looking around our home, of things that he wants to do, to make this place perfect, for him, me, us, I just want to be happy, make you happy, This place is one in a million, millions of people don't have a place like this, We are so lucky. I want to get the stable sorted so that I can play the drums out there, practice, I don't play them in the house, I've got nowhere to play.
You will kill me if you make me go, we can make this right, you will feel better, then you will feel differently, you will love me again, I am changing, I won't drink anymore, no more getting drunk, I'm sorry I have done this to you, messed up your head, I'll go to counselling with you, we can make this better. I said I have been unhappy for years and years and years, but I have just hidden it, tucked it away, pretended I'm OK, happy, he said why didn't you tell me? I said bc that's how I lived my childhood, keeping my unhappiness to myself, not making others feel unhappy bc I am, keeping secrets, not knowing how to express my unhappiness. I told him that it goes way way back. I said that day he knocked on my door with his backpack after travelling hundreds of miles on the train, spending his last few pounds on the train fare, and expecting me to take him in, care for him, that I'd gone with the flow, was swept along with what I had done for him, the time and energy that I'd invested in helping him to get his life back on track, and I think I wish I'd been strong enough back then to stop it form going any further.
He said as he was half asleep the other night he felt his mum come to him in a half dream, and told him to stop being a fool, and get things sorted out. And that's what he says he wants to do, everything and anything to make it work for us all. I'm saying no D, I don't want to be married to you anymore, I want to find happiness, I have a choice, I don't have to be married to you for the rest of my life. He says but I want this place, this is my dream, what I want for ever, if you go I won't be able to afford to buy you out. It will be lost, the kids won't have it for their future. I said they'll both be gone in 4 years time, they will be here til they go. Yes, but they won't be able to bring their grandchildren here. I said you can't see yourself living anywhere else then? No, no way, this is my dream, I built this, it is a part of me, I saw it, you wouldn't be here without me (ditto!). Is said don't you think I worked hard for this home too, I put as much time and effort into it as you did... I know, i know.
He said If I have to go I won't be able to stay around here. why not? bc of the shame. I said don't be silly, families break up all the time. No, I just won't be able to stay. I split with Jay's mum after seeing him everyday for 5 years, and that almost killed me. If I go, it will kill me. I said I've been very close to being dead D, I was in the very depths of depression, so far down that I could very easily have been dead, bc I couldn't see my way out, I had no fight back then, I had my plans. And all this time he had no idea, but since then I have found K, learnt to talk again, I have written and talked and worked hard and got stronger, and now I'm fighting to get out. I have a right to get out, to be happy.
But you CAN be happy again, when you feel better from your depression, you will smile, laugh, you just need to lighten up. I said do you want me to live the rest of my life in my little room? No, I want you to come back to our room. I said I can't do that, I won't be able to come back to you again. Why not? Bc I don't have you in my heart D, there is nothing in my heart or my head for you anymore. Why? Is there someone else? No D, why do you always think there is someone else? Would it make it easier if there WAS someone else? No, not at all, I get very jealous. I said D, I don't remember when I loved you. He said, but we have 2 kids, you wanted kids, we have had 20 years together, you can't throw it all away. He said you HAVE told me you loved me, during passionate times, but those words haven't been said for years. They were said to make him feel better, whether I meant them or not.
He wants to know why I haven't told him, this is all news to him, a volcano erupting. There have been many times when I've tried talking to him, but he hasn't been receptive, and many more times when he has been abusive. There was one evening, after drinking, that he was in a rage bc I was doing things out in the field, fencing etc, and he was angry with me bc I was being self sufficient, cutting down stinging nettles etc, and not asking for his help, angry angry that I wasn't talking about things with him, that I'd chosen to talk to K instead. He'd got a scythe and went to cut them down himself, I'd left him to it, but he was angry, came at me waving the scythe, right up menacingly in my face, shouting about talking to K (this was last summer). I guess I am to blame in a big way for the breakdown in communication, afraid to speak about how I felt bc I didn't want to make him upset, or turn the anger on. SIGH.
I'm feeling stuck again, going nowhere.
Kate, I'm worrying that I'm boring you, I am so tedious, more of the same, same, thoughts, feelings, in a jam. I don't know where to go in my head today, I feel I'm being unfair, haven't given him a fair chance.
I have to go to a concert in the church in a short while, it is a charity concert with local people singing and playing. D and his 'band' are doing a couple of numbers. I need to support, but so don't want to socialise. My parents will be there, I'll sit with them, and go as soon as it is over.