I have punished myself for my lack of control, I wanted to read your response, write, talk, share, it was really hard but I needed to be cross with myself for not coping, messing me up.
For several nights, lying awake, I have yearned for a small soft rabbit that I gave to Poppy a while ago. The night before last I got up and rummaged in the cupboard where I remember last seeing it, my wardrobe, put away bc Lola likes it. I felt desperate to find it, but had to give up and go to bed alone. Then last night after cutting, I needed it , I had been thinking about it since the night before, but had forgotten to look for it when I had the chance. I looked and looked in my cupboard again, turning it upside down, certain it was there. I was very upset when I couldn't find it, but decided I would have to find something else. I looked in a box under Poppy's bed which had her old soft toys in it, and it was there. I was so relieved. Today I took it with me to see Adele, I was going to leave it in my bag, but when I went to get my tissues I took it out and tucked it between my bent up leg and my chest. I spent the whole session stroking it, Adele didn't comment, neither did
I, I have it with me now, I feel I am regressing, asking the kids for hugs, I want the dogs to cuddle up close, no matter how uncomfortable I am.
I am feeling lonely. But I am avoiding. My parents and sister yesterday. And lovely Kitty, working away. She doesn't know anything about my situation, but she does know I have depression, and I'm sure she can pick up on my state of mind. Sam and Poppy were happy with their friends after school. I had been waiting, hoping for contact from the outreach worker, they said Tuesday. I don't even have a contact number, they were going to text me something, I'm not sure what, but nothing has arrived. And my lawyer. I'm disappointed, I still haven't rung him, hoping that he would get in touch, respond to my email. Cathy texted me yesterday, would I visit her daughter Alice bc she was at home with glandular fever, and feeling sad
. I didn't really see how I'd be able to bc I was busy with bits and pieces throughout the day, which I said, but I sadi I would try anyway. I felt bad at the end of the day when I remembered her text, and I hadn't gone.
Dave appears to be of the impression that he has won again, I have said nothing of the situation, he has just taken it for granted that I won't pursue it. Last evening I listened to a recording I made on my netbook the evening he threatened to OD on insulin. It's a 45 minute recording of an almost monologue, AFTER the OD episode, where he is sounding like a madman. I wish I could play it to someone, but it's so loooong. Nobody has heard any of it except for my sister Helen who couldn't bear more than 5 mins. Every time I have a little bit of hope, it seems to be so short lived, and makes me feel a whole lot worse when it is taken away from me. He doesn't even want to know how I feel about anything, I might tell him, but his feelings are more important than mine.
Kate, I have never voiced my cutting. K refers to it frequently, but she doesn't ask me to talk about it, anymore. I was cutting when I first met her, but I only wrote about it, and she was the first person I'd told. After I told K, she encouraged me to tell my Dr, not Dr H, another young Dr, but only bc she asked me the previous week, and I'd denied it, so I wrote it in a letter and gave it to her just as I was about to leave. She didn't want me to go til she'd read my letter, and I felt terrible, terrible that she knew and could see me, she wanted to talk about it, but i couldn't. K asked me about it one day, we were part way through a session, and it was a kind of 'just for the record' type question, bc she knows I get so undone talking about it. I was dumbstruck, and I was unable to get past it, so we had to close the session with some hypnotherapy.
I talked with Adele, about feeling hopeless, stuck again, alone, lost, she does know I cut, but we haven't gone there yet. How do I talk about something that is so self centred? What would I say? It's so foolish, uncontrolled, stupid. I know people have looked at the cuts on my arm, but only my chiropractor has asked me about them. She knows how they got there, I lie to the family, they don't think I would ever cut myself.
I needed to cut with meaning last night, I have wanted to write words before, but haven't. They are for my eyes only.