Amen to that quote.
I'm heading over to your question to work on an answer. See you in a few.
Up already. I'm usually up pretty early but I am running around like a chicken without a head!
Happy Birthday, Poppy!! I hope she has a great day.
I will share my special day with you...very soon.
Ugh, sorry you had to deal with Mark. It's a stress you do not need.
See you later!
What do you feel caused you to feel down? You mentioned that Dave is dragging his feet about leaving (if I interpreted that correctly). You also sound lonely :(
You haven't heard from the attorney or the domestic worker- is that part of the cause of how you feel?
It sounds like you feel a bit lost. I'm here to help if I can. Things will get better. You are bound to feel up some days and down others. It's ok to have that happen.
Let me know if you want to talk,
Oh Rose, I'm sorry. It sounds like you are feeling a lot of pain. If you feel up to it, let's spend some time talking about how you feel. I want to be here for you.
Why do you feel that you could not tell Adele about what happened?
I'll look for your post. I have to get the kids and do some other things soon so I'll check back as often as possible.
Rose, my heart breaks for you. This is one of those times that I want to be there, giving a long hug (with your permission, of course!) and just sitting with you, together.
You have had to be so strong in the past few weeks. And to be that strong, you have to push the sensitive part of you down, repressing and ignoring your own needs. As a person who is naturally in tune with others, full of compassion, it is even more difficult to do what you did. What you did to be in control was necessary, but it comes at a high cost. You are in pain from it, and some of the unmet needs you have are coming through. There has not been any comfort for you for a long time.
The soft rabbit is a sign of the comfort you need. The pain seems so deep that the soft rabbit and hugs from the kids are only scratching the surface of meeting your needs. You feel alone, which means you feel different than those around you, stuck in a situation that few can understand. You mentioned that there are people who are aware of your cutting but that you either don't want to tell or who aren't paying attention. That means that you feel isolated and alone in your pain, set away from others.
You also mentioned that others in your life need you (Cathy) or are ignoring your needs (attorney and outreach worker). Either way, you are not getting your needs met. No one is there for you, helping you through your difficult time.
Your needs should have attention. The cutting is a sign that you have internalized your pain and have no other way to cope with it. You may feel trapped or too fearful of telling others in your life what you need. You have handled Dave and the marriage issues, but now that things have been addressed as far as you can take it for now, people have abandoned you or you have withdrawn from them. The important thing is to find out why. Do you feel that no one will be able to help? Or do you feel that telling them would not help you? Or is it fear that stops you?
It's ok to reach out and ask for help. Contact the attorney and tell him what you need from him. There is not much you can do about the outreach worker except be the squeaky wheel and make yourself annoying so they pay attention. If you feel you can share with K, email her. Tell her about your pain and cutting. It is ok that you feel embarrassed, but there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are in pain. It's no different than anything else people do to cope with their pain. Share as much as you feel comfortable with your parents. Ask for advice if you feel you need it. Take breaks and most of all, express your pain. Getting this out will help you to avoid cutting. Here are some ideas to help you when you talk to others:
Focus on your feelings. Instead of sharing sensational details of your self-harm behavior—what specifically you do to hurt yourself—focus on the feelings or situations that lead to it. This can help the person you’re confiding in better understand where you’re coming from. It also helps to let the person know why you’re telling them. Do you want help or advice from them? Do you simply want another person to know so you can let go of the secret?
Communicate in whatever way you feel most comfortable. If you’re too nervous to talk in person, consider starting off the conversation with an email or letter (although it’s important to eventually follow-up with a face-to-face conversation). Don’t feel pressured into sharing things you’re not ready to talk about. You don’t have to show the person your injuries or answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable answering.
Give the person time to process what you tell them. As difficult as it is for you to open up, it may also be difficult for the person you tell—especially if it’s a close friend or family member. Sometimes, you may not like the way the person reacts. Try to remember that reactions such as shock, anger, and fear come out of concern for you. It may help to print out this article for the people you choose to tell. The better they understand self-harm, the better able they’ll be to support you.
Talking about self-harm can be very stressful and bring up a lot of emotions. Don’t be discouraged if the situation feels worse for a short time right after sharing your secret. It’s uncomfortable to confront and change long-standing habits. But once you get past these initial challenges, you’ll start to feel better.
And if you feel it would help, try some of the techniques we talked about to help yourself from cutting.
Also, self nurturing can help. Here is a very helpful site I found for you:
I am here for you, Rose. I am sorry that you feel so down and alone. Keep in mind, this will pass. And try to accept that you are a wonderful person. Kind, compassionate, smart and resourceful. That is you. Remember that.
I am glad you feel me there, Rose. I want to support you and help you feel better.
Taking some actions tomorrow will help. But keep in mind that it is very hard for anyone to stay so strong all the time. You need to nurture yourself and take care to pamper yourself. The softer side of you has to have that kind of attention or it will find a way to get out and get attention. Then it will no longer be a choice.
All those negative words are not who you are. They come from your past and the abuse you suffered as a child and with Dave. They were told to you. Never in a million years would I describe you as selfish, mean or horrible. I think you need to be more selfish if anything. But taking care of yourself and setting boundaries is not being selfish. It is respecting yourself and seeing that your needs are just as important as others around you, sometimes more important. You know when you fly and they tell you to put your oxygen on first before you help anyone around you, even your kids? Well, you don't put your oxygen mask on ever. Then you end up going down before anyone else and you can't help them or yourself. Think about putting that mask on first, Rose. It will make a world of difference.
Let me know how tomorrow goes, if you get a chance. I know you are so busy so only if you have time. I'll be thinking of you.
Good night, Rose
You're very welcome, Rose! It's good to know that you benefit from our talks. Anyway I can help you, I will.
It's ok if you stop for a while in the situation and maintain. It's hard because Dave is keeping at you. But from your description of how you handled his behavior, you did a wonderful job! You stayed focused and repeated what you wanted, even when you felt upset and shaken by what he was saying and doing. He is trying to manipulate you back into the relationship by making you feel guilty for how he feels. It may help to tell yourself that this is not your doing. Part of being abused is getting stuck in the guilt game- as long as you cooperate, then everything is "fine". But as soon as you want to get away from the abuse and be your own person, then everything goes haywire and it's all your fault. You are expected to keep the "status quo", just the way the abuser wants it. In other words, as long as the abuser has his way, everyone should be happy. But you are strong and won't allow that. You refuse to accept that Dave's happiness is enough for you. You deserve to be happy too.
You have the right to tell Dave that he is not invited to Poppy's birthday shopping trip. Just because he wants to go (and ruin it) doesn't mean he gets to go. You have the right to say to him that this is a girl's only trip. And stand your ground. If he makes it awful for you, pick another time and don't tell him about it. Then go when he is out or not paying attention.
Right now, you have little choice but to wait for others in your situation to make the next move. You have contacted the attorney and have done what you can with getting the outreach worker situation moving forward. Now they have to take action. As long as the attorney knows you are ready for the next step, then hopefully he is working on it.
As far as I can tell, the outreach worker will help you get all the assistance that you are allowed to have through the mental health system. If I understand UK's system, it is much like a case manager here in the US. They work to ensure that the person they are working with has all the services they need. In your case, it may mean that they hook you up with financial and support services, if any are available for you. You already have a therapist so that won't be an issue. They usually assess your situation during the first visit then offer what they can to help. Not too intense but rather supportive and helpful.
I bet your hair looks lovely! You sound so happy about having a chance to care for yourself. It is so nice to see! Enjoy those lemon cupcakes, and have one for me. I love hearing about all the wonderful treats you have. It gives me inspiration :)
Adele is very resourceful with her examples! Lot's wife was the one that looked back and was changed into a pillar of salt. The angels had told her not to look back but she didn't listen. Not quite your situation, but it gives a good example of the temptation of looking back or going back into the old behaviors. Adele just wants to encourage you to keep looking forward, no matter how tempting it is to go back to the old ways. Even if you were miserable in the past, where you are now requires that you fight an exhausting fight. That makes it appealing to just give up. Adele wants to encourage you to keep looking ahead as do I.
I'll talk with you soon, Rose. I hope your day is going well.
A bubble bath! I think that is wonderful. And decaf and cake. It all sounds so delightful :) Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.
Dave is up to his usual stuff it sounds like. You are right, it is not fair to make the kids pick a parent. It's very traumatizing psychologically to them. If you think it might help, let the kids know that they do not have to pick a side or even respond to Dave. Tell them to hang in there and let you handle the tough stuff.
Have fun on your three day weekend! I hope there are more wonderful treats and much pampering in your future :)
You sound so snuggled in and cozy! All those lovely bubbles and wonderful treats, and no Dave. You are really living it up, aren't you? ;)
I liked that support group thread as well. I could no help but think that it sounded so much like what you are going through. If you do end up signing on, let me know what you think.
My Friday night was very busy. I bought some plants and a peach tree for my yard (just a small dwarf tree, not enough room for more) and a few flowers for hanging baskets. Trying to get some of the spring planting done before it's summer already!
I hope you are having a wonderful rest right now. Sleep well. Sweet dreams!