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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I am a grandmother caring for a 4 month old since 2 1/2 months

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I am a grandmother caring for a 4 month old since 2 1/2 months father announced he is out of marriage and is in and out while he is arranging leaving home. turmoil for the mother who works full time. mon to fri i see the baby and after school get the 6 year old till mom comes home. i dont see them at all on weekends. i feel im nothing more than baby sitter father has limited interest in any of them mother is trying to be strong but has no parents she is 30s but a very timid weak person who forgets and not as nurturing as she has so many troubles finds it hard to do all. i asked if they would want to move in. but she says no. the husband comes and goes and is leaving soon as he finds a place. i feel very unhealthy for the 6 year old im in tears and for the baby he does not know whats going on. accept that i would like to know how i should feel im so close to the 6 year old and i feel the baby is looking at me like his protector and mother but on weekens i dont see them till monday? how should i feel and is this harming those children ..im 62 and i want to bel close but feel i wont live forever and hate them to hurt im giving them all the love and attention like parents do. my husband is retired so he is attached to them too. but is it normal to feel so close/and will it hurt us? or will it hurt them. there lives are so turmoiled and i cant take it my heart is broken. how can a man leave his baby s and wife. who is a quite abused woman with a very controlling husband who is never satified with life has problems but wont seek help. blames every person place or thing on his wants and needs in life and that is to relive his younger free days with no reponsablities and guidance from good roll models. we try to talk with him but he says he dont want no want talking and trying to change his mind. he has a 42 year old woman a neighbor who i dont know if there is a friend relationship or a physical one she is a woman who is 2 x home wrecker always was jealous of my daughter inlaw and looked to make problems between them. he is always there and denies anything more than friendship she was never married has 2 children 18 and 8 and as you know now that man is my son. we cannot and never could guide him with all the support we gave him he dislikes me and has always caused problems. thank God i was able to keep him out of trouble all his life but was always on top of him.his father is a mild mannered man who just wanted peace growing up so he let him be and that is where we had troubles in discipline issues. i tried and did the best i could but its killing me that he is hurting his children and throwing from what i see a good woman.? he says to people she never does anything he does it all. he is very agreesive she is very passive. loves him todeath does not ask for much actually she allowedd him to walk all over her. and i would try and tell her thru the years she has to stand up for herself. but he hated me for getting her to respect herself /and he never liked me for not allowing him to do that to me as a mother. but his father did. and never corrected his behavior he feels sorry for the father that all these woman are no good and he has to do his own thing and all that he wants in life. what advice can you give me for the children. and for this situation
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Good Morning! I am very sorry to hear that your family is experiencing such turmoil right now. It is a tough place to be for you, no doubt. If your son is rejecting your advice or opinions,sadly he is going to have to figure things out for himself. I am sure you feel frustrated just watching this happen and the children have to go through such stress at their young age.

Heidi LPC :

The fact that the grandchildren have you and your husband for some stability and support will be huge for them. Loving them is probably the best thing you can do for this family right now, and I am sure they are a great joy to you.

Heidi LPC :

Watching your son choose to be self-centered and not follow through on his responsibility to his children is hard. Hopefully, he is at least supporting them financially. And, the fact that his wife has tolerated his behavior is distressing, yet she probably has her own issues to sort out as you mentioned. It sounds like your only choices are to help with the children... or not. You have very limited control over the actions of their parents, and hopefully this story takes a positive turn in the near future for them. Sometimes, people just have to make their own mistakes & suffer the consequences in order to learn life's lessons for themselves. For you, although it is tough, offering support and guidance to the children will be the greatest gift you can give. And take good care of yourself in the meantime; get some fresh air and sunshine, a little exercise (which I am sure you get plenty with the little ones!) try to eat well and sleep well while you endure this stressful period. As they say, this too shall pass... and your grandchildren are very lucky to have you!!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

can I just ask one more question. how do I get my photo off that page where my question shows up........? also people are saying I should not enable my son to have the best of both worlds a woman who is good to the children and dont ask for much accept what she is entitled too. (he financially is giving her a hard time which is discusting wont give her 1.00 more than he has to. and she is working but not a job to support 2 children a home and life for herself car and expenses and believe me she was a good wife that did not ask for anything. like some of the new generation. wants gifts and jewelry and princess like treatment she was very plain pretty and old fashioned. something my son liked as he could never handle glamour and glizy and flirty woman he was very jealous. and his wife is a very pretty and mothers choice for their sons. so he says he is not in love with her ?I have seen the controlling abuse so I dont have to think its not true. i am so upset as his father was mild mannered and i never wanted for anything for me or the children we came first. and my son for some reason thinks that was a controlling act on my part. Never my husband and I worked together as a team. and was happy, accept with the interference of our sons discipline thru the years. he is a hard worker and never asked for money from us or sponged on us. he just would not listen and defied anything we or * I had to tell him he could not separate coolness and being bright and smart which he was. but would never work hard wanted immediate gradifications for everything in life. could not wait to study thru school so he went into computers has a decent job, and does work on the side can do repairs and carpentry and well jack of all trades he is very smart but never built up on one good occupation. no patience to continue education past high school. but went far on his own abilities and hard work on his own. we wanted to be proud of him this is something we cant understand. had everything love affection attention and guidance offered to him and nothing was ever good enough.??? He is making a mistake

and I think someone is filling his head. he listens to the wrong people.

he complains when he goes out his wife asks where he is going that is one of his reasons lol..........that s ridiculous and says i lied to him ask him why he says when he was young i put vegtables in his food mixed and lied and said there was none. ??? i thought by now having his own children he would understand that issue is what all parents do to help a child sometimes accept the right nutrition.??? also he will tell his 6 year old things that are not true about his mom and about me and he tells him he dont need to sit in a car seat in the rear just bend down if a acop comes.??? disobeys the rules and is not a good roll model cause if the mother or anyone says about his serious smoking around the kids or pulling the kids ear he will make it worse and im upset that challenging him makes him act out worse. and it sickens me to see the kids or his wife be the victim of these. he say s he dont have to listen to anyone and will do what he wants ...he does not even want to go to court for this wants to have her sign his rules and just take what he gives her and keep quiet or else she will have more problems....she had to go to a lawyer and pay and dont even have enough for everything she needs now. and we are both on social sec disablity now as we both are ill and retired we had very good jobs and lifestyle till my husband got ill at 58 lost his job also which had a lot to do with his heart attack stress and diabetes and depression and loss of value and finances while waiting to go back to work he used his 401k and pension to survive and pay medical so we have no savings and are living on the edge. all we have is a home we barely have money for anything and have a mortgage and a lein now for 60,000 besides from the irs and they are eating out any euity we had fast. so soon we will not have a house give or take a year or so. have no way of paying for rent of selling the house and profit after all the expenses. so we are here buying our time. all this is just too much to bare we hoped that he was ok and could give him our home we coculd live together and maybe financially he would be ok but im just so sick reached out to this site but would like confidentiality and i didnt like seeing that photo on the question....??? so any more input would be appreciated. that will be it and I will send an acceptance to you. I did post a deposit..doesnt that pay you when I accept. its asking for 3$ i dont understand that. I posted more than that.???

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

The point that you made about the wife enabling his behavior is very true. If his wife allows him to treat her this way, he has no reason to stop. You all have every right to put down a boundary for what is acceptable treatment from him, however, my fear is that the children would be used as pawns, which is not a good option. That is why my answer was simply to keep the children safe and cared for, while making it perfectly clear that you feel that his behavior is unacceptable, and that unless he comes to his senses and starts behaving as a responsible adult, you will choose to have very little to do with him. Encouraging his wife to stand on her feet strongly is probably helpful to her; a great quote is that "you're only a doormat as long as you lay there."... yet it is impossible to change anyone but yourself, and so it may be that she has to finally get tired of the treatment and stand up for herself. Keep taking care of yourself and your husband; and know that the children will someday be grateful for your care!

 

As for the photo; I don't see your photo on my page. I only see mine... and yes, once you click the accept button, I am then compensated for my time. I am not sure about the $3... if you'd like, I can try to find out? Thank you for using the site, and be well, my friend!

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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