Your quote is divine, thank you little bear, you make me feel safe :)
Your last post is below to make it easier for me to write.......
Rose, you do have the strength to fight this. He is turning on all the charm, thinking he can manipulate you back into keeping him on. It's what abusers do:
The first statement on the second link gives you an indication that this is another ploy by Dave to get his own way. Where was all this charm, willingness to help you, promises for a better marriage, etc when you were hurting so bad? Where was this Dave when he was stomping on Sam's foot, yelling at Poppy, sleeping
all day instead of working? He wasn't there because he didn't need to be. It was you hurting instead of him. That does not concern him. It's only important to fix things when he is hurting.
What counts here is recognizing that Dave will do what it takes only when he benefits from it. As long as he feels safe, he will abuse, hurt, manipulate, take advantage of and cause chaos. But when that safety is threatened, suddenly he cleans up, makes promises and treats you nicely.
That is what you should focus on, not listening to his words. Because he will tell you exactly what you want to hear. He will become the man you have always wanted so you will say yes and keep him in the home. Then you can watch that man disappear and the old Dave return.
What you said makes perfect sense- you have given him many chances and he has never taken you up on them. What makes now any different? It's because he knows you are serious this time.
Plus he is still making excuses:
"I am just a man"- I'm not sure what that means but if he is a man, why doesn't he stop abusing you and the kids and start being responsible for himself?
"It's your fibro"- another excuse, that ignores what he is doing to the family and blaming it all on you.
"It's my childhood"- he has had ample time to address that himself and not take it out on you and the kids.
"Little differences"- what little differences? He is an abuser and will not acknowledge it or do something about it.
All of these are warning signs that he has not changed and doesn't have any insight into his own problems. He needs help and won't get it.
I know you might have expected this Rose, but it doesn't make it any easier. You are doing a great job handing this all. I am awed by your strength.
Thank you for the abuse links (darn the cycle!). Yes I see where I'm at, I wonder how long I'll be sat here. He thinks he's won, that I won't push it further bc he's written me a sorry letter and he knows I'm soft. But I know I simply cannot spend any more time with him. He says he loves me, I dislike him intensely, their if nothing there to rekindle, even if I tried and tried.
I agree, it's a ploy. He said the letter came as a big shock. So he's saying the other 2 times I tried to tell him I wanted him out (last one only 4 weeks ago, very short term memory) I was joking! or he misunderstood! I think the shock is that I have had the nerve to go to a lawyer and start the process for REAL, he thought I wouldn't dare.
I haven't thanked him for the flowers (I feel bad about that, I have put them in a vase in my room, they are pretty, but they are tainted), and I haven't mentioned the letter. He has tried to be as involved as possible with conversation, even if it's been from the other room (making Sam cross), and thanked me for supper, touching my arm as he said so.
I don't know Kate, I am so exhausted, I wish it flowed nicely for a change, but there are too many bends to navigate. I so hope I get there soon. I was out in the field with Lola in the wind and rain earlier, just felt like lying down in the wet grass and staying there, no matter how cold and painful it was, no matter what became of me, I just didn't care.
I shall say goodnight now, a busy day tomorrow, and I'm anxious about talking to K tomorrow evening. So much has happened in the last week, so many emotions.
goodnight little bear