I've copied your post over....
It's great that you got some time for yourself this morning. It sounds like you have symbolically put on a "new you". I know that at our age we typically do some coloring (wink, wink), but choosing this morning to do so is interesting. It's making a change, with yourself while you are making one outside of yourself. And showering for a long time can be shedding off the old you in favor of your new freedom- a clean start.
I think if your attorney knows the whole story, it makes it easier for him to make more informed suggestions for you. Hopefully, the next stage will get Dave out of the home and moving on. Are you interested in shared custody with him? I imagine that with the abuse, it will be tricky to decide what to do. Also, do you feel you will need a restraining order? So far, you have not mentioned Dave acting out so that is a good sign. But if he does actually have to leave the home, he may resort to violence to try and force you to let him stay.
It is interesting too that Dave is ignoring the letter. I am curious to see if that ends up being his response to it. A kind of "If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist" reaction, which would fit his past actions. If he does choose to ignore it, what do you feel your next action might be? Do you feel telling him a date that he has to be out by might work? Or do you feel that is too dangerous? Part of this is going to be to plan for any possible violence. He may be thinking that there is no way you can force him out. And if he is going down that path, you may need to plan for it with your attorney.
This all has probably taken a big toll on you emotionally and physically. Just your last week alone was a lot! Downtime is the prescription. Get as much as you can. Sleep, eat well and relax. You deserve it!
Talk with you later,
My rests do not freshen my mind, or my body, I wonder if someday they might. I lay quietly listening to K's hypnotherapy recording this afternoon, it calmed me and made me feel secure for a while. I don't know how I could have told her 'No More' last week, but I know how incredibly hurt I was by some things she said, and I just felt like I was getting it all wrong, and she would be frustrated with me if I didn't take control. I think that's why I suddenly decided to give him the letter, even though I had already told K I couldn't work with her anymore, I thought I have nothing to lose, everything is going wrong anyway.
Yes, colouring ;), I think the state of my hair might reflect my state of mind, and I had always said I wouldn't colour my hair bc it looks so awful when it grows out! My colouring is quite close to my natural colour so it wasn't toooo terrible, (Poppy started me on it, wouldn't have without her encouragement!) but I feel so much more together now it's all one colour. I know I haven't been taking much care over my appearance of late, too much effort feeling as I do, so today, like you say, can mark a new beginning. I like that symbolic link, and the shower- interesting!! I have been looking to the future today, I haven't before. I am amazed at the difference in my thoughts now I have given D the letter, there is hope, and smiles, and maybe a few days away with the kids.
I have been thinking about D's room, when he's gone, I don't want to move back in there to the big bed, but I will paint it and change the curtains, and move the furniture around so it can be a guest room, (not that anyone comes to stay with ME, but I suppose they might. Poppy and Sam usually have friends' bodies staying on the sofas at the weekends) and somewhere to put the airer and the ironing board. Poppy and I are going to be doing the 'changeovers' in the holiday cottage next door, and I'll be doing the laundry, so it will be useful to be able to keep the ironing board in there, and have space to iron KINGSIZE (groan) duvet covers. That will be my fourth job, so I should have a little spare cash to offer D for his rent if I have to (would certainly prefer not to!)
I am feeling that D's tactic is to ignore and hope it goes away, like it did
on 2 previous occasions. I'm glad I wrote to the lawyer about proceedings. I also told him about the evening he was so abusive to K, and the rock, and that he is so controlling that it caused my therapeutic relationship to end (which isn't strictly true, but that's what I told D). I'm certain that it will take another step to get D out, and he will become increasingly upset and angry with every move I make. I wonder if mediation will come next, at least it will be a chance for us to talk, which is almost impossible to do, but then the divorce papers could be started at the same time. This is so big for me, the thin king of me, but I am also doing it for the kids, though they may not see it that way for a while. I will be collecting Poppy from her bf's shortly, I hope to have a chance to talk to her on the way home.
I think the children will have the choice of when they see dad, how often, or whether they see him at all. I wouldn't wish for them to have to spend overnight stays with him, they would only want to be in their own home. I would be open for him to come by anytime he wanted, so long as his behaviour is acceptable, to see the kids, the dogs. But if there is any sign of aggression, abuse or violence towards property he will be served with a non-molestation (or restraining) order. I think D is taking the letter seriously when it says that he should not show me any malice as a result of him getting the letter, as he knows there will be consequences. I am surprised that he hasn't countered ANY of the letter's content, no comment whatsoever.
I must be off to pick Poppy up now, D has just offered to, but I'd like a chat with her.