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You did not get anything wrong with the situation with K and getting Dave out of the home. You had it in you (obviously now that you have done it ;) ) you just were working your way towards it. What happened to you as a child was getting in the way. But your strength is there, and you were working towards it. Being down on yourself only serves to keep you thinking you are not worthy. And you are Rose, very much so.
It's great to hear that things are feeling better for you! More smiles and happiness. There is more in store for you and the kids once Dave is gone. He was hurting you all more than was apparent to you. It is common that when you are experiencing the trauma that you do not realize how bad it is until you are out of it. That is what happens when someone has PTSD for example. The effect happens after the abuse/trauma because the mind has time to process the incident. While you are in it, however, you are on survival mode. And that is where I think you have been for many years. Now you are almost out and already feeling better.
And you are making plans for Dave's room! Wow, Rose, you are on a roll! Good for you. It's so nice to hear. I am excited for you and your future.
Making plans to address any abuse from Dave is a good idea. Along with keeping your attorney informed, having a back up plan is important. As you progress and Dave has to face that this is real and he does have to leave, he may become more and more aggressive. As we talked about before, he is going to realize that you are taking away his free ride and he will have to grow up quickly. He probably will fight that with all he has, because it may make him angry or frustrate him. And since you are the one initiating this, he will naturally try to come after you. Making plans on how to handle it will help you react right away instead of having to think it through.
I hope all goes well when you talk with Poppy. She is already somewhat prepared for it since you have kept her informed most of the way. Hopefully, she will be ok with it.
Dexy's Midnight Runners- that is before her time, isn't it? Now I have Eileen going through my head! Ugh ;)
Good night, Rose. I see that beautiful butterfly beginning to emerge!
Rose, you do have the strength to fight this. He is turning on all the charm, thinking he can manipulate you back into keeping him on. It's what abusers do:
The first statement on the second link gives you an indication that this is another ploy by Dave to get his own way. Where was all this charm, willingness to help you, promises for a better marriage, etc when you were hurting so bad? Where was this Dave when he was stomping on Sam's foot, yelling at Poppy, sleeping all day instead of working? He wasn't there because he didn't need to be. It was you hurting instead of him. That does not concern him. It's only important to fix things when he is hurting.
What counts here is recognizing that Dave will do what it takes only when he benefits from it. As long as he feels safe, he will abuse, hurt, manipulate, take advantage of and cause chaos. But when that safety is threatened, suddenly he cleans up, makes promises and treats you nicely.
That is what you should focus on, not listening to his words. Because he will tell you exactly what you want to hear. He will become the man you have always wanted so you will say yes and keep him in the home. Then you can watch that man disappear and the old Dave return.
What you said makes perfect sense- you have given him many chances and he has never taken you up on them. What makes now any different? It's because he knows you are serious this time.
Plus he is still making excuses:
"I am just a man"- I'm not sure what that means but if he is a man, why doesn't he stop abusing you and the kids and start being responsible for himself?
"It's your fibro"- another excuse, that ignores what he is doing to the family and blaming it all on you.
"It's my childhood"- he has had ample time to address that himself and not take it out on you and the kids.
"Little differences"- what little differences? He is an abuser and will not acknowledge it or do something about it.
All of these are warning signs that he has not changed and doesn't have any insight into his own problems. He needs help and won't get it.
I know you might have expected this Rose, but it doesn't make it any easier. You are doing a great job handing this all. I am awed by your strength.